Smiles And Sunshine

Which 4 Ratchets Should Advance To The Elite 8 In The Chudstuffer And Trap Queen Regions?


Voting is completed in the Ratchet Madness Elite 8 Cheesehog and Fupasloth regions, and there were 2 very close matchups. Here’s who has advanced:

Juicin Jeremy was losing at 10 PM last night, but the Manchester polls closed late so he got the surge at the end. Greg Bates also barely survived, setting up two classic matchups to see who advances to the Final 4.

Onto the final 2 regions. For the Trap Queen and Chudstuffer brackets we will give you the ratchet resumes and relevant links to blogs on your contestants. As usual, you get to cast your vote at the end. You have 24 hours to make your voice heard.


1. Michael Cadena

  • Illegally kidnapped his child from Illinois and ran to Weymouth where he played the victim when law enforcement did what a judge ordered them to do
  • Hired a PR team to repeatedly use his child as a prop in a heated child custody battle, likely scarring the child for life
  • Completely made up allegations of child abuse in order to smear his child’s mother, not caring about the long term effects this would have on the child when he sees it all
  • Chose to go to jail in Massachusetts for 6 months rather than travel to Illinois to fight for his son in court
  • Built a cult of gullible, stupid women from across the country, who we scammed into donating over $50,000 so he could hire lawyers (who he never hired) to fight a legal battle he had no intention of actually fighting
  • Repeatedly disregarded judge’s orders to refrain from talking about the case publicly
  • Conned a bunch of dumb people in Weymouth into dragging their kids out for a protest where they walked into traffic and solicited money that all went to him
  • Had his PR team make his son cry on demand so they could tape it and pretend like the son was crying because he didn’t want to see his allegedly abusive mother
  • Failed to mention his long and documented history of drug dealing, drug abuse, and violence, to the women he conned into thinking was a respectable father
  • Once plead guilty to attempted murder


12. Gina Clark

  • Started a charity meant to help grieving families for the sole purpose of ripping them off at their most vulnerable time
  • Waited for kids to die in tragic scenarios, befriended the families, promised to raise money for them, raised lots of money, and then kept almost all of it claiming that they didn’t make much
  • Spent the money for grieving families on herself so she could live a ghettofabulous lifestyle on Cape Cod
  • Dragged the families through years of legal battles before finally getting sentenced to a couple years in jail
  • Once she got out of prison she was forced to do community service and pay back the families, neither of which she ever did, claiming that she’s too injured to work
  • Still walks around Cape Cod in fancy clothing, pimping jewelry with zero self-awareness about what a piece of shit she is




2. Rian Waters

  • Has never paid a dime in child support to his special needs daughter who he abandoned
  • Moved to California with his baby momma and daughter initially, promising them great things, but they ended up becoming homeless so she moved back to Palmer area
  • Visited home when his daughter was 2 years old, assaulted his baby momma in front of her by punching her in the face, and then kicked the dog so hard in front of the child that the dog had to be put down
  • Scared his baby momma not to testify by threatening to make up allegations of drug abuse on her part when he called the DEA and DCF
  • Filed an actual lawsuit against DCF
  • Filed an actual lawsuit against Turtleboy Sports for blogging about his public domestic abuse allegation
  • Sued the woman who he assaulted and scared into testifying against him, and who he owes unGodly amounts of child support to
  • Believes he has been found not guilty in a court of law because he intimidated a witness into not testifying, thus leading to the charges being dropped
  • Pretends to be a wealthy and overly arrogant poker player on Facebook, despite being wildly unsuccessful and rocking a hideous pubestache
  • Started a GoFundMe for his lawsuit against Turtleboy on the basis that Turtleboy calls children crotch fruits
  • Teamed up with Milky Mike Gaffney who wrote him an afidavit and wrote his complaint for him after losing to Uncle Turtleboy in court
  • Dropped his lawsuit against his baby momma after several turtle riders showed up to show their support for her at court
  • Once was caught attempting to smuggle drugs across an international border and made a break for it before being caught in the woods
  • Attempted to extort Uncle Turtleboy in order to not file a losing lawsuit against him


11. Failure Swift

  • Frequently pretends to be sick in order to have extended stays in the hospital and receive medication she doesn’t need
  • Got kicked out of Kent Hospital, refused to leave, made a scene, forced her slave husband named Metro to film her crying so she could go viral and get sympathy
  • Previously failed miserably in hilarious attempt to become a pop star, leaving her cringe worthy tryout videos on YouTube for us to enjoy
  • Claims to be a small business owner but really is just as the bottom of an elaborate pyramid scheme
  • Pretended to have cancer and started a GoFundMe so that she could get holistic medical care to treat it
  • Often writes pity party Facebook posts that go on for days and no one reads except her



8. Slumdog Chillionaire Mom

  • Allows 9 year old son to smoke blunts like a chimney, throw gang signs, yell profanities and broadcast it on various social media platforms
  • Mom is too busy partying with her girls in cheap Lowell motel rooms drinking copious amounts of Henny to watch her crotch fruit
  • Mom appears to be in her mid 30’s and is a grandmother, making her the oldest grandmother in Lowell


4. Bobbin for Boners

  • Sabotaged her own candidacy for State Rep by blowing everyone in Rockland who had any sort of political influence
  • Cheated on her husband to begin romantic relationship with morbidly obese Eddie Porkchops
  • When Eddie Porkchops wife found out she got revenge on him and her by getting drunk with the town manager, bringing him back to town hall under the auspices of going to tinkle, and then blowing the him in town hall and telling him she “just wanted some cock”
  • When town administrator suggested he wanted to leave she begged him to stay and blocked him from leaving until her need for cream of mushroom tip soup was satisfied
  • Her cuckholded husband announced that he was running for her vacant seat after she resigned in disgrace
  • Initially pretended to be the victim of sexual assault and claims she was too drunk to remember anything, until the tapes were released showing she was the aggressor
  • Winked at the town administrator during a televised meeting, thinking no one would see, 2 weeks after blowing him


2. New Bedford Bukkake Poundcake

  • Took her crotch fruits to the park when she was high out of her mind and passed out in front of the trash can she just tipped over in broad daylight
  • Kids try multiple times to wake her up, but are not successful until the cops arrive
  • Claimed her behavior was normal because “People pass out all the time from the heat”
  • Says she’s a good Mom but often posts at 3 AM on Facebook, looking for someone to party with, but later claimed she was going out to get coffee
  • Went insane by using super long sentagraphs threatening turtle riders who were mocking her public display of debauchery
  • Said she got a lawyer for deformation lawsuit
  • Posted what she believed to be my address, but was really the address of the Turtleboy statue in downtown Worcester
  • Teamed up with former Turtleboy ratchet the Bellingham Porridge Receptacle to take us down after she was blogged about
  • Got pumped and dumped by ex-boyfriend so she celebrated by going to the ocean and throwing all the worthless crap he got for her over the years into the sea, not realizing the amount of trash this created

3. Jackoff Sauce

  • Aspiring rapper who fed his underaged girl alcohol, put her on a leash, and forced her to walk around the neighborhood like a dog so he could post it on social media
  • Forced her to have “property of Mack Sauce” written on her ass cheeks
  • Has copious amounts of Google trophies
  • When the police came to investigate him he decided to fight them and end up in jail
  • Ended up going to prison for kiddie porn because he uploaded video of himself banging her onto the Internet
  • Got an additional charge for witness intimidation when he called the victim (his “gf”) from prison




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12 Comment(s)
  • Sir Wilfred Death
    April 26, 2019 at 12:22 pm

    As evil as Rian is, I’m sticking with my prediction of the final: Bates v. Boners. Boners slight favorite. Bates has shaken down a lot of small businesses which is particularly heinous given how hard they have it in this fucked up state, but Boners destroyed her children, her cuck husband, a couple of marriages, jeopardized a poor town’s finances with upcoming lawsuits, and spread disease throughout an entire community. Boners for the win.

  • Alyssa Lungarini
    April 25, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    Omg! Bates over Fleestone? What an upset. This year , I just want to vote for ALL of them.. !

  • Well, No Shit
    April 25, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    The picture of Failure Swift fake crying makes me fucking violent. I really want to bash her in the face with a bat. Miserable, ugly skank.

  • Rockets Redglare
    April 25, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    It pains me Fleestone Light didn’t make it. Go Gina go! No one finer to represent the Cape…

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      April 25, 2019 at 2:06 pm

      Me, too.

  • Michelle Olson
    Lounge Lizard
    April 25, 2019 at 11:30 am

    Condena for sure!!! He’s raised over $125,000 by now and is apparently getting ready to serve his 6 month sentence in Illinois by the end of the month.

    There’s a page dedicated to debunking his Help Us Save Mikey called
    “Help Us Keep Mikey Safe”
    We own his fucking mind!!!

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    April 25, 2019 at 10:59 am

    I predicted old Winky Bobbin for Boners would go the distance with Failure Swift.

    Don’t let me down now, gals.

  • The Name Game
    April 25, 2019 at 10:31 am

    1) I bet Crazy Eyes Mike will advance, but I STILL need to go with Gina “orange patina” Clark, screwing over grieving people.
    2) Failure Swift needs to whimper into the sunset. Go, Rian, go, you can BET on it (since you think you’re such a great gambler)!
    3) Dat Byuteefull Blunt-babe Black Bunwich be better than Boner Bobber, bruh.
    4) Wow! Difficult. Smack Sauce sure deserves it, but, again, for the kids, gotta go with someone who has to actually LABEL her Toilet. Pound THAT cake, bee-itch. Just don’t “pass out from the heat.”

  • Marshall mc’jizzy rizzy fo shizzy
    April 25, 2019 at 10:30 am

    His name is randy.
    Dude is randy
    At age 5 got caught sniffing moms panties
    Now he gobbles down manmilk like it be candy

  • Illhans inbred kid fathered by bio bro
    April 25, 2019 at 10:10 am

    Zum peeple did zumthing? Randall?

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    April 25, 2019 at 9:48 am

    I voted for the white ones.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      April 25, 2019 at 11:00 am

      Off you fuck, sweetcheeks.

      The grown-ups are talking.

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