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WELL POLISH MY TITS AND SERVE ME A MILKSHAKE! Check out this hairy assflap from Woburn/Lowell/Wilmington/wherever he couch crashes like a slob:
Justin Schuurman is a dude who just can’t seem to stop robbing sandwich shops, gas stations and any other place that will cough over money to feed his addiction. He’s not into knocking over banks or anything. He just needs enough money to get him high and oblivious to the fact that he resembles the Statue Of David with herpes (although thankfully Michelangelo didn’t include a shitty, kitchen tattoo of an iron cross on his masterpiece.)
You can scope his Facebook page here. It’s no surprise that his Facebook “ID” is “ShermDad420”.
Justin has been hard at work lately. By “work” I mean pulling numerous unarmed robberies in and around the Tewksbury/Lowell/Wilmington area and he isn’t even good at it. Sad!
Here’s a Turtle-Tip: If you’re going to roll up on a Subway and snatch money from the drawer you should disguise the fact that you look like Sheldon from Garfield & Friends. It’s a dead give away.
Also: You probably shouldn’t take off in a car with identifiable plates and multiple witnesses.
Check out the Schuurminator:
The only thing he took from the Speedway was a carton of butts (you guys can converse over which brand he’s into. I’m going to go with Marlboro 100’s) but he’s hit up multiple locations, his latest being the Yankee Candle shop on 114 in North Andover.
Yankee! Candle! If I waltzed into Y.K. to rob the place you bet your ass I’d be hurling 22 oz. “Autumn Wreath” jar candles into the trunk of my car and peddling those motherfuckers to every basic white chick in the Valley. They charge $22.00 a pop for those bad boys! You grab yourself a case or two and you can line your pockets with enough cash to go on a killer bender at Gemstones. Ca-ching!
But alas, Justin got himself caught.
Dude didn’t get a dime. Womp wompppp.
Check out his other commendable acts of moral valor:
Winner winner fentanyl dinner! The best part of it isn’t that he openly admitted his thievery was to feed his habit:
In all honesty he could have said the money was going towards starting an all-boy, Broadway musical adaptation of Legally Blonde and I’d have cut him some slack but “I’m a junkie”? Boooo-fucking-hooo)
The BEST part is that he openly joked about it on social media:
Oh Justin. Everyone knows you aren’t famous until you’re Turtleboy famous. You may have started celebrating a couple of days early but it’s time! Grab your most festive hat and get ready to cha-cha into notoriety, queeferino!
(Spoiler alert: He wasn’t done.)
There’s that “work” word again.
Hey Turtlegang! Let’s all feel bad for Justin because he can’t get high or do anything self deprecating! UNFAIR!
What a sick, cruel world we live in where we can’t rob people, feed illegal drug use and have unlimited freedom to keep doing shitty things! The horror! The outrage!
He turned himself in… “ISH”…
Oh and in case the ladies were wondering, he’s a certified Romeo. Sharpen up those #2 pencils and get ready to throw some Ramen towards the Shirley Pen canteen because he steals hearts, too :
He listens! He dances! He smiles!
He also jokes about how lucky he is that he isn’t in prison yet:
Speaking of anus:
Don’t think for one second that a 70’s wrap around grundlebush will deter anyone serving time from sliding up in there like a stick of warm butter.
“Holy shit”… Like it’s a surprise to him that prison is what happens when you steal. Justin should be thankful that we don’t live in a country where they cut your hands off for snagging an apple like the street-rats in Aladdin. Sooner or later you’ve gotta face the music and realize that Subway is where you go to eat fresh and is not, in fact, your personal piggy bank. I’d say jail time will do him good but I’m guessing he’ll dodge that bullet and be back in the news for jacking an old lady working at the Dunks on Bridge Street by next Monday. Kids? Integrity? Nah. Sewer sows like Justin are a dime a dozen.
Justin if you’re reading this PLEASE come on Turtleboy LIVE, Sunday @10 p.m.! Send us a message. We’d love to hear from you. Until then we’ll give you an unimpressive round of applause for being this weeks buttmunch of the MV.
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