All-Star Criminals

Haverhill White Trash Bonnie And Clyde Knock Over Amesbury Mini-Mart And Make The Worst Getaway Ever

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Daniel Valenti and Courtney Loycano may in fact be the crappiest robbers in the Merrimack Valley.


These two ride or die lovebirds decided to rob an Amesbury mini-mart/gas station at 5 a.m. last Friday morning but didn’t even make it out of town before getting bagged by the fuzz. Amesbury PD were called to the Felco Mini Mart & Irving Oil gas station after an armed man strolled in with a SUPER elaborate bandana/baseball hat disguise and demanded money from the register. Stickyfingers Valenti then took off in a gray Kia Rio with a loud exhaust which the clerk easily described to police.

Rule #1: If you’re going to pull a half-ass robbery before most people slam down their first cup of coffee, you shouldn’t use a car that attracts attention like, oh I dunno, a Kia Rio that sounds like a juiced up weed whacker. How much do you want to bet that he has some subs in the trunk that rattle the entire neighborhood when he bumps Ridin’ Dirty on his way to pick up Bae from night school at NECCO? You know how many people in Massachusetts drive a 2001 Kia Rio? 7. Bad odds, Danny boy.

So Dan and Courtney make off with some dough and don’t even make it out of town before they’re spotted by a police officer LESS THAN 2 MILES from the store. We’re talking about Amesbury here people. It isn’t Lawrence or Lowell where you can pull some side street shenanigans and stealth your way out of town. This cop gets on the radio and has backup from Amesbury, Merrimac and MA State Police in record time because there is nothing going on at 5 a.m. in Amesbury. Ever.

I imagine this is the exact same expression of surprise Dan had on his face when he got pulled over.



Police arrest these two noobs and what do they find in the car? A baseball hat and a pile of money sitting on the floor. I find it funny that he ditched everything else but held onto the hat. Must’ve been a fresh 59fifty Bulls flat brim.

The rest of the clothes and the gun used during the robbery were found a little ways back dumped in the woods. ALSO found in his possession was a bag of blow and a pair of brass knuckles. Of course. I think it’s pretty much standard protocol to have a teenth and a knife (or in this case, knuckles) on you at all times if you’re white trash from the Haverhill/Plaistow area. If you creep through Dan’s Facebook profile you’ll get a better idea of the type of guy we’re working with here. Danny is a grade A, “only god can judge me” upper-middle trash.


(Yes, that back alley, stunning work of body art says “D-Money”)


Ah, a rare sighting of Caucasian debris in it’s natural habitat. Notice the primitive hand gestures used as communication, signaling the need for more Jagerbombs and Nickelback.



Kevin Federline called. He wants his T-shirt back.


Anyway, Dan also had a warrant out for conspiracy to violate drug laws, distribution of a Class A drug and possession of Class E drug. This is a result of poor choices like selling drugs in broad daylight on High Street in Haverhill.

Oh, and these past minor infractions..


september 2009


june 2013


september 2014






Who else scored the same arrest on High Street in Haverhill?

Mingya Valley mom of the year: Courtney Loycano


This girls got a whole lot of bae-polar, ratchet goodness going on.

classyvajayhathief100cheatnut nut2

Courtney is one of those dime-a-dozen ghetto chicks who feels the need to post numerous quotes and memes to social media pertaining to her relationship woes in hopes that people will pay attention to her. It seems that Courtney and Dan are on and off again more than the G-strings and dental dams at Kittens.

Listen up! Whoever is trying to sabotage their fairytale romance can get those hands. 100%.

handsdict idiot

No excuses. Don’t drink and drive…But robbing stores and early morning bumps of blow are totally fine. No? Well she’s an addict with a disease so..

What pisses me off (besides drug dealing, theft and being an all-around dirtbag criminal) is the fact that Courtney has 2 kids. Last time I checked robbing gas stations and blowing lines at 5 a.m. with your douche boyfriend wasn’t in the mommy & me handbook.



Just another example of selfish breeders who have zero priorities. You know what’s badass? Being a fucking good mom. Maybe instead of focusing those 3 remaining brain cells on some chode with a chinstrap you should be holding it down at home.


You know what that’s called? Prison.


Thankfully the DA decided to hold them in custody until their probable cause hearings in early May.

Remember kids, drugs are bad.



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21 Comment(s)
  • Diane cheney
    April 15, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    It isn’t called High street for any other reason!! Drug infested, white trash invested!!

  • September 3, 2017 at 6:41 pm

    Thanks for a marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you happen to be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your blog and will often come back later in life.
    I want to encourage one to continue your great posts, have a nice weekend!

  • Chip Striker
    April 15, 2017 at 1:00 am

    True All-Star we have here.

    I’d love to start a suicide encouragement hot line and prey he calls.

  • Will Z
    April 14, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    I hope these two find the spiritual solution to their addiction. The free one that helped me recover from an IV drug habit that would have scared the likes of Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. I pray their kids are safe and don’t suffer any long term consequence of their parents sickness. And… I hope the list of innocent victims in their wake ceases to grow.

    • Melissa
      April 14, 2017 at 11:09 pm

      Karma is a bitch.. I grew up with Courtney and Daniel is my ex. I realized what a loser he was and moved to Oregon. Not even one day later my so called best friend of many years was dating Danny. Both a disgrace her kids don’t deserve her luckily they have a good father.

  • Flat Brim Turtleboy
    April 14, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Vague-Booking looking for help from the masses………..Ah, the best way to make good life choices!!
    High crime areas like Amesbury need more police!! But first, they need more crime………………….
    FREE MY BOI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Johnwango
    April 14, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    Hope this scumbag and his Bitch like jail food hahaha suck on goat balls .

  • Jessica
    April 14, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    These stories make my days worth while. I love reading them, I love the humor. You have a wonderful style of writing my friend!

  • John
    April 14, 2017 at 9:43 am

    Low-Life doing their everyday activity.

  • whatevuh
    April 14, 2017 at 8:19 am

    Begs the question, where were her kids at 5:30AM ?

    • Bertha Von Nation
      April 14, 2017 at 10:21 am

      Foster care, hopefully.

    • Kelly
      April 15, 2017 at 12:09 am

      The father took custody of her kids 5 years ago.

  • Independent Thinker
    April 14, 2017 at 7:30 am

    In other states, a lot of store keepers keep a loaded shotgun under the counter. In this state, we are supposed to hand everything over and run like cowards because the “leaders” don’t like it when people stand up for themselves and assert themselves.

    Kind of like Dr. Dao stood up for himself. Now UAL and the City of Chicago will be facing a multi-million dollar lawsuit when all of this could have been prevented by simply offering enough money to convince four people to give up their seats.

    • Ted
      April 14, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      What nursing home you in.

  • Social Justice Ultimate Warrior
    April 14, 2017 at 7:14 am

    When people share memes on Facebook that are vague regarding their relationship I get douche chills every time. I can visualize the person constantly refreshing the page to see if anyone liked the post or asked the age old question…”Are you alright?” That is of course followed up by the obligatory, “I’m here for you girl.” The scum of the earth couldn’t be less original from the flat brimmed Bulls hats and Jordan sneakers on the guys to the nose rings, cubic zirconium face freckles and visible bra straps under tank tops on the females. It’s like a car crash I can’t look away from. If you’d excuse me I have to get my ritualistic Friday lineup that resembles a Lego hair helmet while everyone works to support my “disease.”

    • Kerri Bishop
      April 14, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      Who are you sjuw and why are you writing comments and not articles?

      • Social Justice Ultimate Warrior
        April 14, 2017 at 3:15 pm

        I have felt this way for years but never knew of the Turtle as an outlet. I’ve worked hard since I was 11 to have what I want and I love that this group exposes those that refuse to do the same. I’d love to be a writer on here one day…the cause is so noble and what’s better than laughing at these sewer rats?????

        • Social Justice Ultimate Warrior
          April 14, 2017 at 10:35 pm

          Since I’m having so much fun commenting and people seem to enjoy it, check out my Facebook page @SocialJusticeUltimateWarrior for some more pieces.

    • Sean "Irish Express" Fitzgerald
      April 26, 2017 at 5:39 pm

      I’m white trash too. My dream is to someday be a black dude

      • Gotta lotasarcasm
        August 2, 2017 at 10:41 am

        Get paint

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