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Daniel Valenti and Courtney Loycano may in fact be the crappiest robbers in the Merrimack Valley.
These two ride or die lovebirds decided to rob an Amesbury mini-mart/gas station at 5 a.m. last Friday morning but didn’t even make it out of town before getting bagged by the fuzz. Amesbury PD were called to the Felco Mini Mart & Irving Oil gas station after an armed man strolled in with a SUPER elaborate bandana/baseball hat disguise and demanded money from the register. Stickyfingers Valenti then took off in a gray Kia Rio with a loud exhaust which the clerk easily described to police.
Rule #1: If you’re going to pull a half-ass robbery before most people slam down their first cup of coffee, you shouldn’t use a car that attracts attention like, oh I dunno, a Kia Rio that sounds like a juiced up weed whacker. How much do you want to bet that he has some subs in the trunk that rattle the entire neighborhood when he bumps Ridin’ Dirty on his way to pick up Bae from night school at NECCO? You know how many people in Massachusetts drive a 2001 Kia Rio? 7. Bad odds, Danny boy.
So Dan and Courtney make off with some dough and don’t even make it out of town before they’re spotted by a police officer LESS THAN 2 MILES from the store. We’re talking about Amesbury here people. It isn’t Lawrence or Lowell where you can pull some side street shenanigans and stealth your way out of town. This cop gets on the radio and has backup from Amesbury, Merrimac and MA State Police in record time because there is nothing going on at 5 a.m. in Amesbury. Ever.
I imagine this is the exact same expression of surprise Dan had on his face when he got pulled over.
Police arrest these two noobs and what do they find in the car? A baseball hat and a pile of money sitting on the floor. I find it funny that he ditched everything else but held onto the hat. Must’ve been a fresh 59fifty Bulls flat brim.
The rest of the clothes and the gun used during the robbery were found a little ways back dumped in the woods. ALSO found in his possession was a bag of blow and a pair of brass knuckles. Of course. I think it’s pretty much standard protocol to have a teenth and a knife (or in this case, knuckles) on you at all times if you’re white trash from the Haverhill/Plaistow area. If you creep through Dan’s Facebook profile you’ll get a better idea of the type of guy we’re working with here. Danny is a grade A, “only god can judge me” upper-middle trash.
(Yes, that back alley, stunning work of body art says “D-Money”)
Ah, a rare sighting of Caucasian debris in it’s natural habitat. Notice the primitive hand gestures used as communication, signaling the need for more Jagerbombs and Nickelback.
Kevin Federline called. He wants his T-shirt back.
Anyway, Dan also had a warrant out for conspiracy to violate drug laws, distribution of a Class A drug and possession of Class E drug. This is a result of poor choices like selling drugs in broad daylight on High Street in Haverhill.
Oh, and these past minor infractions..
Who else scored the same arrest on High Street in Haverhill?
This girls got a whole lot of bae-polar, ratchet goodness going on.
Courtney is one of those dime-a-dozen ghetto chicks who feels the need to post numerous quotes and memes to social media pertaining to her relationship woes in hopes that people will pay attention to her. It seems that Courtney and Dan are on and off again more than the G-strings and dental dams at Kittens.
Listen up! Whoever is trying to sabotage their fairytale romance can get those hands. 100%.
No excuses. Don’t drink and drive…But robbing stores and early morning bumps of blow are totally fine. No? Well she’s an addict with a disease so..
What pisses me off (besides drug dealing, theft and being an all-around dirtbag criminal) is the fact that Courtney has 2 kids. Last time I checked robbing gas stations and blowing lines at 5 a.m. with your douche boyfriend wasn’t in the mommy & me handbook.
Just another example of selfish breeders who have zero priorities. You know what’s badass? Being a fucking good mom. Maybe instead of focusing those 3 remaining brain cells on some chode with a chinstrap you should be holding it down at home.
You know what that’s called? Prison.
Thankfully the DA decided to hold them in custody until their probable cause hearings in early May.
Remember kids, drugs are bad.
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