All-Star Criminals

Jared The Jet Ski Junkie Robbed A Convenience Store, Stole A $4 Million Scratch Ticket, Cost The Store $50K, Plymouth Ding-Dongs Say We Owe Him An Apology



I’m still laughing at all the idiots in the Plymouth Facebook group that blindly believed Limp Dick Larry’s story that he didn’t abandon a 19 year old woman after recklessly crashing a jet ski she was on over the weekend.

Jared Sherman is a well known scumbag with a bad case of the “disease” that makes him rob people and act like a general scrotum stain. Of course he’s going to tell the media he dindu nuffin. That’s what junkies do – they lie about everything.

Turns out this is nothing new for Limp Dick Larry, and his path of destruction has been going on since he was a teenager.

This dumb shit mother fucker robbed a convenience store by throwing a rock through the window, but instead of taking money, booze, cigarettes, or anything with actual value, he chose to take fahhh numbag fives, three numbah eights, and fifteen numbah twelves. Obviously this is so stupid because one of two things would happen:

  1. The scratch tickets are mostly duds, which means he wasted a perfectly good robbery to get nothing out of it.
  2. The scratch tickets contained big winners, which he would not be able to redeem since the lottery commission tracks tickets and can identify ones that were stolen.

And OF COURSE this piece of shit had to steal a $4 million ticket, which was worth jack shit because he stole it! The store lost out on $50,000 they would’ve made for selling the ticket, and some poor schmuck who blows half his paycheck on scratch tickets missed out on his only chance to ever become a millionaire, so he could then blow all that money on more scratch tickets.

But please, keep defending this human waste receptacle. He nearly got a girl killed, all of her teeth are gone, he blamed her on Facebook, he repeatedly lied to the media, and all these jackwagons in Plymouth rushed to believe him because they were THAT DESPERATE to prove that Turtleboy got something wrong. That’s literally the only reason that any rational person would believe him – because they wanted to prove that Turtleboy is fake news. And as usual, they failed in spectacular fashion. If you see Tammy around town feel free to remind her that Turtleboy is real news.

Also, I guess this chick is hangry too.

Cassandra: “I don’t read Turtleboy.”

Also Cassandra: “I just read that Turtleboy blog and I didn’t like it because my stupid quote was in it. I also have strong opinions about a blog I’ve never read.”

Cassandra: “Turtleboy is fake news.”

Turtle Rider: “Here’s a couple blogs they did exposing corruption in the state police.”

Cassandra: “That’s just two blogs.”

Yea guys, you should spend all day cataloging the hundreds of stories we’ve published that have produced actual results in order to win a pissing match with a woman who claims she doesn’t read Turtleboy in the first place.

I do want address this for a moment.

Back when we had the Facebook page with over 100,000 followers our inbox was flooded on a daily basis, which is why we needed Abi so badly. But I have a job and a life, and so do other bloggers, so we probably only get to 10-20% of the stories that people send us. And the ones that we do are usually the ones where people provide us with evidence and links that we can use to put a story together.

Cassandra and a couple other people did message many times about the death of Marcus Osborne by a hit and run driver in August 2017. They accused an unnamed nurse of hitting him, and accused the hospital of covering it up. I remember specifically asking them if they could back any of this up, since it’s a juicy story that normally we’d love to blog about. But she had nothing, so we couldn’t print something we couldn’t back up. Evidently she’s still salty about that, so perhaps Uncle Turtleboy owes her a taped apology on the next live show.

Cassandra: “Turtleboy shames for trash clicks. They literally ruin people’s lives. That’s not helping the community.”

Yes, we do shame people who deserve to be shamed. Guilty as charged. We don’t ruin people’s lives though – they ruin their own lives and we document it. And yes, it is indeed helping the community. For instance, yesterday the Northbridge Police were looking for some chode who stole an air conditioner. Not only did we identify him within hours, we also pointed out that he had recently gotten out of prison for burning a missing woman’s house down in order to destroy evidence for the guy who likely murdered her. And look who gave us a shoutout.

Happy to bring a scumbag to justice. Sorry for ruining this upstanding individual’s life. His own shitty choices had nothing to do with that.

This is what we do at Turtleboy Sports and we don’t apologize for it – we shame the dregs of society, and in doing so we make the world a better place. We don’t do it for clicks, because typically a blog like that doesn’t make us much money. We do it because we love making the world a better place.


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28 Comment(s)
  • Survivor030406
    August 21, 2019 at 2:57 am

    10/10. would bang. relentlessly.

  • Fucker of the fatties and flatties
    July 26, 2019 at 10:26 pm

    Would absolutely dump loads in Tammy cheekbones and Cassandra the cunt. That is all

  • Rudy
    July 25, 2019 at 11:34 am

    What happened to the jet ski victim’s teeth??

  • Snowflake
    July 24, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Send him back where he came from

    • Fantesticles
      July 24, 2019 at 8:50 pm

      I really don’t think his mom would appreciate that take it back policy… y’know unless they’re from alabama.

  • whatevuh
    July 24, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    good looking, but lacking in the boob dept . . .

    • Cereal
      July 25, 2019 at 1:12 pm

      “”tits are for kids!!”

  • Holy cat fight
    July 24, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    Honestly Tutleboy this is why having only female writers on your staff can be a problem. I don’t know if you only have female writers because you’re intimidated by men or because men just don’t have time to troll Facebook for ratchet articles.
    Today’s articles are about what dishes are on sale at Macy’s and how some catty Facebook moms are angry at other catty Facebook moms comments.
    This is probably why you keep losing your hetero male fan base.
    Example: This title should be ‘Slightly damaged Jet ski possibly going up for sale cheap in Plymouth’.
    At the end of the day nobody gives a fuck about what the Facebook chitter chatter is but everyones interested in a good buy?

    • Pulitzer Prize
      July 24, 2019 at 6:11 pm

      Thank you Edward R. Murrow.
      Your insightfulness knows no bounds. Thank Christ,
      You have figured shit out.

  • Derp
    July 24, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    I’d bang Cassandra a time or two.

  • Seed bag
    July 24, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    I love the smell of burning street cheetahs in the morning…

  • Batman
    July 24, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    I think Cassandra should be tied down to one of those diabolical murder machines the joker would always rig for me. Naked of course. Get to work Cassie, promise to untie you if you’re a good girl.

  • CrispyC
    July 24, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    Ahahaha the police gave you a shoutout. Terrific job. Eat shit Cassandra.

  • Ray Torical
    July 24, 2019 at 4:27 pm

    Does this website make oneself feel better about themselves?
    It absolutely should. There are too many fucking half twits running around being cretins 24/7, 52, 365. You could be a blind person and still smell the losers from a mile away. It is, and will continue to be a societal shitshow. Thank you TB for exposing “ratchetness”.
    It’s everyday, all day.

  • Tongue Punch in the Fartbox
    July 24, 2019 at 4:25 pm

    So where are those other witness statements? Because one of the TB Daily News blogs says that you spoke to witnesses “other than her mother”. Her mom’s not even a witness, she blatantly points out that she was not there when it occurred. So…where’s the damning evidence? A 14 year-old crime? Seriously? THAT’S what you have?!

    Nobody wants to clear the guy of all wrongdoing with the exception of a few SJW whinebags. All I keep seeing in comments is how much is left unanswered. I’m sure everyone would gladly grab their torch and pitchfork if you had indisputable evidence of him willingly putting this girl in harm’s way and intentionally leaving her to die. I’d happily get in line to punch that loser in the face if so.

    Instead you cry about people saying words again and bring up an unrelated incident as a way to substantiate your claim. Cringe.

    • Ray Torical
      July 24, 2019 at 4:44 pm

      Are you from Wareham/Plymouth?

    • WeRFucked
      July 24, 2019 at 6:48 pm

      Is that Cassandra in the second picture too? Holy Fuck. I want to make her vagina wet and then slowly insert all 5″.

      I am not buying Jared left this girl to die. I have too much faith in humanity, even if I am a fan of TBS, which often makes me question that faith. Jared is a perfect example. You’ve proven he’s a shitbag. His pictures alone scream “flaming closeted faggot.”

      Nothing has shown me he left this girl screaming “every man for himself.” The jury can not convict. I’m not convinced beyond a reasonable doubt.

      • WeRFucked
        July 24, 2019 at 6:50 pm

        I mean the blonde in the dress, not Tammy.

  • Huh?
    July 24, 2019 at 4:25 pm

    I’m not sure what stealing scratch tickets has to do with jet ski accidents but, yeah that’s good enough for me!
    I’m not sure why this story is such a big deal anyways, people get hurt in car accidents everyday.
    As for the girl who needs facial surgery, listen i saw her pic and she really wasn’t all that much to look at to begin with. Plastic surgery is probably going to be the best thing to ever happen to her.

  • bigdaddy
    July 24, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    You are not fake news but those do look like fake tits though

    • Cassandra
      July 24, 2019 at 4:21 pm

      Quick…….take a picture of me smiling looking off to my left, it’s my good side. I look AWESOME (except for my roots) and sooooo happy. Everybody will LOVE it.
      BTW……..these barely B’s are 100% real and they’re fabulous.

  • Gash Basher
    July 24, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    Hey Cassandra, if you every want to get that gash bashed in by an average sized penis hit me up

    • Elmer the Bull
      July 24, 2019 at 5:14 pm

      Can I motorboat those udders at the same time, then get sloppy seconds?

  • Vigil Ante
    July 24, 2019 at 3:14 pm

    Cassandra: Turtleboy is fake news and doesn’t verify any facts. He ruins people’s lives

    Also Cassandra: Hi Turtleboy, can you write a blog about a topic I have no verifiable facts for to ruin someone’s life?

    • Bret
      July 28, 2019 at 12:30 pm

      I hate that folks here all have fake names, because it’s cowardly, but you sir/ma’am/zhe/they are 100% accurately describing this situation.

  • Hartford
    July 24, 2019 at 3:05 pm

    Dude she is missing the whole point of TB. Watching the pond scum of society crawl from the ooze and fuck up their own lives, puke it on social media and think that they are somehow bigger, badder, cooler and safer than they are is a hoot. Being able to comment on what fucking losers they are, kick digital sand in their faces, is a gift. That many of them read the comments (and some fight back) is the cream on the cake. Losing losers lose, get shit on and have to go back to their shitty lives. I thank my lucky stars every day that I am not one of these ugly, dirty, amphibians.

  • Mr. Slather
    July 24, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    I wanna slather that blonde bitch’s eyes shut with my man paste, not let her clean it up, and put her out in public still wearing it

  • Howard
    July 24, 2019 at 2:50 pm

    Kinda confused. Which chick is which? What the dillio?

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