All-Star Criminals

Legendary Springfield Stripper Princeza Aponte Arrested Again (With Pants On This Time) For Driving With Cocaine, Laughing At State Troopers, Trying To Drive Away

Princeza, the legendary Springfield stripper, was arrested AGAIN this week, and as usual the arrest report was filled with hilarity.

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You’ll never guess who’s back in the news…..

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Yup, that’s right – everyone’s favorite Springfield meatwagon, Princeza the Magic Lantern stripper!!!


This woman, who is obviously taking her clothes off for money in order to finance her way through law school, was arrested last year after getting busted in a heroin distribution ring. But because she only had a possession charge, and they were after the people she was with, she was lucky enough to have the charges dropped.

Then a year later (last week) the Springfield PD saw her sitting in a parked car, in a lot that has been the site of several recent break ins. Naturally when they approached the car they found her with no pants on, sitting next to an open bottle of whiskey. And since she’s a Springfield trap queen she obviously refused to come out of the car, kicked a cop when they tried to remove her, and ended up being tased into submission. Perfectly normal.


Well check out what she did this time:

Exotic dancer Princeza Aponte is facing cocaine, marijuana and motor vehicle charges following her second arrest in two weeks. Aponte, 25, of Springfield, pleaded not guilty Tuesday in Springfield District Courtto driving under the influence of drugs, possession of cocaine, having an open container of marijuana in a vehicle, negligent operation and failing to use a turn signal. 

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On Tuesday, after being pulled over on Frank B. Murray St., Aponte’s mood was more mellow, that report said. “She appeared lethargic and very relaxed and continuously laughed at all my questions,” Massachusetts State Trooper Joel Daoust wrote. At one point, she denied taking any medication or using legal or illegal drugs, the report said.

“What about marijuana?” the trooper asked.

“Oh well, you didn’t mention that (laugh),” she replied, according to the report.

Later, after finding a clump of white powder rolled up in a $5 bill, the trooper asked what it was.

“Cocaine. … I forgot it was there,” she answered, still laughing, the report said.

Aponte, a dancer at the Magic Lantern strip bar in Monson, appeared subdued and had no lawyer during her Tuesday court appearance. Judge William Boyle, citing her income as a dancer, said she did not qualify for a public defender.

The latest case began when a state trooper reported seeing Aponte driving erratically on Liberty Street around 2 a.m. Tuesday. After the trooper activated his flashing lights, Aponte eventually pulled over and told the trooper she was returning home after visiting a friend, the arrest report said. She appeared “dazed and confused” and had a “greenish/whitish film” on her tongue — a sign of marijuana use, the trooper wrote. When he asked if she knew where she was, she responded no, the trooper said.


“I told Aponte to wait where she was and that I would be right back. While walking back to my cruiser, I glanced back at Aponte’s car and noticed she had begun to drive away,” the trooper wrote. “I immediately yelled, ‘Hey, stop,’ and the car came to a stop after traveling approximately 3-4 car lengths,” the report said.

After performing poorly on a field sobriety test, Aponte was arrested and placed in the cruiser. At state police headquarters, she continued to laugh throughout the booking process, even after learning she was being charged with operating under the influence of drugs, the report said. “But I didn’t have anything to drink,” she replied.


There is no one, and I repeat, NO ONE in the 413, who has less fucks to give than our girl Princeza. Like, she fears absolutely nothing. Which is weird because she obviously has a lot to lose, and I’m sure the Magic Lantern has a morals clause once you start working there. The cops pulled her over and could tell immediately she was all fucked up. And what does she do? Laughs at them because they didn’t explicitly ask if she just blazed a fatty, and then she’s like, “oh yea, forgot about all that cocaine right there.”

First of all, what kind of savage smokes pot and does coke at the same time? What’s the point? They do the exact opposite thing. I can understand if she was doing a whole bunch of blow because she wanted to numb her magic lantern but still be alert in preparation for the inevitable 3 AM gang bang. But then what’s the point of burning one down after that? Seems counterproductive. Then again, Princeza has never been one to follow conventional wisdom…..or laws.

Then after the cop goes back to his car she tries driving away. But only for 25 feet. Because Princeza just had to let the trooper know that she is always in control, and sometimes it’s just fun to fuck with State Troopers like that. YOLO!!

I think we can all agree that the most surprising part about this story is the fact that she had pants on. Must’ve been a special occasion. Baby steps people. Baby steps. Anyway, hope Princeza keeps getting low bail so we can keep chronicling the adventures of Springfield’s most legendary ratchet. Just try not to hurt anyone, because that wouldn’t be very funny at all.


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25 Comment(s)
  • Sir Wilfred Death
    March 6, 2021 at 1:17 pm

    Princeza was a choice piece of ass. I wonder how she’s holding up. Hottest chick ever seen on Turtleboy. A where is she now story would be interesting.


  • Wabbitt
    January 24, 2017 at 6:25 am

    I’d spank her and make her call me papi. Then she could wrap those big fat thighs around my head. Aye Mami!

  • Buck Futts
    January 23, 2017 at 10:11 am

    On the tail of the women’s march, as it relates to this story, I’d like to share with you a memory of when some old army buddies and I would go to this no-contact go-go bar near base. It was dark, dirty & and some of the ugliest trailer park queens we had ever seen on display. We would sit for hours drinking pitchers of cheap draft while spitting on the floor in front of us. Eventually, we would pay a girl like Princeza to show us her moves upon the freshly lubed floor. To this day, I’m not sure if they didn’t know? Or just didn’t care.
    Good times.

  • Paul Larson
    January 23, 2017 at 10:05 am

    Pants are for suckers! Woodrow Wilson (progressive communist bastard) invented modern pants to imprison testicles and cause excessive overheating of the dangling sack in an attempt to engineer a master race. He also invented the nut cradle cooler. It sits under and around the testicular sack and cools the contained sperm to a comfortable 85 degrees. If you’ve never heard of it, you are the target of his eugenic experiment. Mussolini helped to fund the device. He is a great admirer. Hitler said “heating the fun bag and chemical castration is essentially the same”. Stalin agrees. Pol Pot dissented. Chairman Mao outlawed pants. The VC wore pajamas in the woods and the best of them had bigger ears. I have VC ears on a necklace. I long for the day I can add Woodrow Wilson’s ears to it. He has remarkable ears. My ears are small.

    Paul Larson

    • Paul Larson
      January 23, 2017 at 1:10 pm

      I didn’t wright the above post. The larger the ears, the larger the kidneys, and the braver the person. The smaller the ears the more cowardly the person. Whoever wrote the above post is a coward who can’t rebut my argument. These SJWs can only call me names. Shows how little they know about history.

      Paul Larson

      • Paul Larson
        January 23, 2017 at 1:22 pm

        I didn’t write that! It’s not the size of the kidneys, that makes you brave it’s the size of the stones. I have small ears, big hands, a long nose and pointy eye brows. It’s a good thing I’m packing 9+ inches in the trouser department, cause I’m pretty much a goofy bastard. The snowflake that wrote the above comment needs to grow up. My first Dan, Dan Marino, taught me how to make passes to men. My second Dan, Dan Fouts, taught me for 3 days then quit and sent the third Dan to me, then I learned the kata of the loon. My fourth Dan was Dan Rather, but I’d rather not. The fifth Dan (the love of my life) and the Dan I’m still with today is Danny Wood, NKOTB dude… He rocks my socks while I lick his rocks.

        The Real Paul Larson

        • Paul Larson
          January 23, 2017 at 1:25 pm

          Coward! You can’t use your real name? You don’t know history like I do. I was there when fire was invented. I was in Greece when “The Greek Way” was invented. I wrote the Sura of the Sword. When Muhammad first fucked the underaged goat, I was the shepherd! I taught Charles Lindbergh to fly. I sold Charles Manson his first tab of acid. Forrest Gump was based on my life.

          Paul Larson

          • Paul Larson
            January 24, 2017 at 2:13 pm

            I didn’t write the 2 above posts. The ears relate in Chinese medicine to the kidneys which are associated with the adrenal glands (kidneys and adrenal glands get massaged together in QiGung). Courage comes from the adrenal glands and kidneys, not from the gonads. Just to let you know!

            Paul Larson

  • Mr Butthurt
    January 23, 2017 at 9:25 am

    She is nasty.

    • Sasha The Fire Gypsy
      January 23, 2017 at 10:15 am

      So if she and I wanted to do one of those menage-a-trios with you, you’d turn it down?

      • COB
        January 23, 2017 at 6:12 pm

        I’d tongue-punch both of your fart boxes! 🙂 🙂 🙂

      • Mr Butthurt
        January 24, 2017 at 11:54 am


  • Pay up
    January 23, 2017 at 8:14 am

    It’s the stupid Hollywood tabloid T.V. effect…………(Stupid gay reporters) today Kim K was pulled over by police with cocaine and no panties….. Oh My Lord someone has a snow kitty (fake laugh track). Society does what ever they see the rich and famous do on t.v. Here’s a tip, you’re not rich or famous just stupid and most of that shit is a fake publicity stunt.

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 22, 2017 at 8:47 pm

    WTF is up with those eyelashes in that booking photo? She looks like she has a little black dorito in the corner of each eye.

  • Dunk
    January 22, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    I would hit it! Anyone that says they won’t is full of shit

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 22, 2017 at 8:49 pm

      Or a homo.

    • ChrisInShrewsbury
      January 22, 2017 at 11:06 pm

      She is just plain gross. I rather JO with razorblades. People pay money to be in the same room? Yuk. In 2 years, she has to turn sideways navigate doorways.

  • Phong
    January 22, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    That girl should be put in chains.
    Such disrespect for law enforcement is the main problem with our younger generation.
    Put her in chains. (Maybe a little spanking too, Naughty girl.)

  • COB
    January 22, 2017 at 7:25 pm

    OH MY GOD… the fun you could have with this bitch and a pile of booger-sugar! I would seriously pound this slut’s ham wallet all night long!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 22, 2017 at 8:51 pm

      Her moose knuckle is lopsided…maybe you knock that shit back in alignment.

  • Dick Dover
    January 22, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    Party party party, Then let the taxpayers clean up the mess. Nice Guest eh?

  • S pj
    January 22, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    Your a try hard that just ain’t funny !!!dork

    • Officer BobnMic
      January 22, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      You better respect me!! I was the best detective in the department. I also have TWO purple hearts, thank you very much!!! Only an SJW would lack respect for a man of my caliber.

  • Officer BobnMic
    January 22, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    I was the arresting officer. I’m always first at the scene of any crime. It’s what owning a cape can do. It’s detachable from my shirt using velcro, like the kid shirts you find at Target.

    I raced there on my bicycle, vroom, vroom… HANDS UP PRINCEZA!! You’re under arrest! Squad cars got there too late, I had already put her in cuffs. I bought them from Amazon. They also sell them with fuzzy fur options but those don’t qualify for prime.

    I’m glad I could save the day again. It’s misty out, I may need to wash my uniform. This time I hope my mommy doesn’t forget to unpin my felt badge before washing.


    Protect & Serve

  • Burning the candle at both ends
    January 22, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    She’ll look 60 in a few years, if not before that.

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