All-Star Criminals

Nashua Nut Vacuum Arrested For Jewelry Heist Defends Her Honor On Facebook Despite Losing Free Range Crotch Fruit In Laundry Chute


This is Melissa Pendlebury from Nashua.

She’s the bearer of five crotch fruits, one of whom she has custody. According to neighbors her free range ovary nuggets run up and down her street barefoot and unsupervised, and one of them is special needs and constantly wanders into people’s fire escapes.

Eight years ago she made headlines when one of her semen demons fell down a laundry shoot. And according to ratchet law the child’s name must rhyme with Aidan.

Cayden Leger’s parents woke up Thanksgiving morning to the terrified screams of their 2-year-old son. It sounded like he was inside the walls.

Cayden, Jayden, Rayden, Kaiden, Hayden, Braden, Ninja Gayden – if you name your kid something that rhymes with Aidan, you are a full blown ratchet. That’s just science.

Of course she slept through it all.

“I woke up to him screaming so, so loud,’’ said Melissa Pendlebury, Cayden’s mother. “Everybody was running around trying to figure out where he was.’’ The young boy, who only suffered minor injuries, slid down an old laundry chute on the second floor of the home and got tangled in wires, suspended in the dark, Pendlebury said.

“We’ve lived here for three and a half years,’’ Pendlebury, 34, said. “They’ve thrown a few toys down there.’’ But she never thought any of her four children would ever try to slide down the chute.

Anyway, she’s back in the news.

Union Leader:  A 41-year-old Nashua woman faces a felony charge after police said she stole “a significant amount of cash and jewelry.” Police charged Melissa Pendlebury of 35 B Harvard St. Friday with burglary. The theft goes back to March 15, police said in a news release. “Information was later received that Pendlebury was involved,” the news release states. Detectives of the Criminal Investigation Division investigated and an arrest warrant was issued for Pendlebury. The Hudson Police Department also had an active arrest warrant for Pendlebury, charging her with abandoning a vehicle, a violation-level offense. A Class A felony is punishable by up to 15 years imprisonment. Pendlebury was released on personal recognizance bail with an arraignment date to be determined.

This Nashua Nut Vacuum almost got away with it too. That’s an 8 month investigation, so I’m guessing she stole a lot of jewelry. Shortly after the heist she was posting about Karma on Facebook.

Well now you’re on Turtleboy, so it looks like you’re finally a gangster now.

She also showed up on a post about her arrest on the Info NH Facebook page and decided to defend her honor, which is always a high percentage move.

Listen Nuv Vacuum, the only shocker at the end of this is gonna be the one Big Wanda gives you in D block in exchange for your Ho-Ho’s.

She also had an outstanding warrant for abandoning her vehicle in Hudson, which gives her plenty of time to wander aimlessly through the neighborhood looking for the poon polyps the state forcefully took from her.

If she’s still looking for Cayden, Shaden, and Zaden then maybe she should check the laundry chute again.

Anyway, Melissa seems like she wants to clear her good name and is in the mood for some talking, so feel free to hit me up girl and I’ll have you on the live show this weekend. Message Clarence Woods Emerson on Facebook or email


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30 Comment(s)
  • Failure to launch
    November 13, 2020 at 10:47 pm

    Too bad. She started life with a much better deck of cards than most, but blew it. Where are the baby daddies? Her children got badly shortchanged.

  • Fat Girl Titties
    November 13, 2020 at 2:34 pm

    Hahaha. Look at those filthy fingernails on that poor kid. The pic in the hospital bed. Grimy little crumb snatcher. Fuck that mom.

  • Aidan
    November 12, 2020 at 12:02 pm

    “And according to ratchet law the child’s name must rhyme with Aidan.

    Know what else rhymes with Aidan? “Gay men.” As in” “Aidan lusts after gay men.” Explains a lot.

    • John Donne
      November 13, 2020 at 2:43 am

      Sure, that rhymes. You must be a teacher.

  • repeater
    November 12, 2020 at 11:59 am

    The dude who runs this blog must have some serious inadequacies to be so obsessed with other people. Can you imagine what his empty, miserable days must be like? Wake up, measure the tiny dick to see if it’s grown at all, argue with the bitch wife. Rinse, Repeat.

    • Uncooked Vagina
      November 13, 2020 at 2:47 am

      Muh dick! Solid rhetorical skills and an A+ argument. Take another dildo out of petty cash.

  • Amanda Sawyer
    November 12, 2020 at 11:42 am

    She Cray-Cray

  • george costanza
    The angry taint
    November 12, 2020 at 9:02 am

    It appears Richard Belzer’s transition went well.

  • Metros Empty Nutsack
    November 12, 2020 at 2:15 am

    Looks better than the jellyfish I woke up next to an hour ago.

  • She looks like:
    November 11, 2020 at 8:43 pm

    Craigslist hooker.

  • Dr. Bombay
    November 11, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    Maybe…if the face too

  • Joe
    November 11, 2020 at 6:16 pm

    She really never recovered after the Jeff Gulloly divorce.

  • Guinea Geisha
    November 11, 2020 at 5:44 pm

    I was really expecting to see a dark load pop out of her laundry shoot.

  • Boston Irish
    Gov Charlie Parker
    November 11, 2020 at 5:29 pm

    Nashua is the Brockton of NH

  • Moose Knuckles
    November 11, 2020 at 5:13 pm

    The shocker here is that she’s only 41.

    • Hugh G. Rection
      November 11, 2020 at 8:41 pm


    • Hugh G. Rection
      November 11, 2020 at 8:42 pm

      Nashua aka Lowell North

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    November 11, 2020 at 5:04 pm

    She looks like Kelly Bundy present day if she continued getting dicked down by bikers in exchange for meth

    • VP Spiro T Cheney
      November 11, 2020 at 6:21 pm

      “if she continued getting dicked down by bikers in exchange for meth”

      Hands down the best quote of the day.

  • Done with this shit
    November 11, 2020 at 5:03 pm

    This two year old had more injuries than that unlicensed loser from providence with the gofundme trying to sue the police for his boo boos when he resisted arrest. Wuss

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    November 11, 2020 at 5:03 pm

    This is to all the naysayers and election deniers out there! We have won fair and square! After harvesting all the ballots and culling all the illegal Trump votes, we have been declared victors by the media! You losers need to move on and embrace the coming new version of America!

  • Orion
    November 11, 2020 at 4:42 pm

    After having a million kids she didn’t think a fucking TODDLER would try to go down a laundry chute? I only have one kid and have considered tying him to something with a lead so he can’t kill himself when I blink.

  • Calm WhiteDad
    AngryWhiteDad (Thy/Thoust)
    November 11, 2020 at 4:37 pm

    What’s the over/under on the number of half breeds this pig has pushed out? 4?

  • Judge dread
    November 11, 2020 at 4:34 pm

    I think I went to high school with this creature. The name kinda rings a bell.

    I know the area she lives in, it is actually surrounded by some nice houses but Harvard St is kinda the “dumpy” street in the neighborhood. Probably a section 8 apartment… She is probably getting a shit load of welfare due to the 5 crotch fruits.

    The nice thing about constitutional carry states is everyone is very polite… and there isn’t very much violent crime in Nashua, if you try to rob a bank, you turn around and 5 citizens are pointing guns at you.

    Constitutional carry keeps citizens honest and polite.

  • Calm WhiteDad
    AngryWhiteDad (Thy/Thoust)
    November 11, 2020 at 4:34 pm

    Sure, they’ll literally force my well behaved children to inject poison in to their bodies because of basic flu, but this cum dumpster undoubtedly living off tax payers isn’t forced to get her nignog infused tubes tied. Trash whore.

    • hartf811
      URA moron
      November 11, 2020 at 6:53 pm

      Stop the pearl clutching.
      Nobody is going to make you give your kids unsafe vaccinations.
      Do you let your little monsters lick wall outlets?

  • Hunter 'ashes' Biden
    November 11, 2020 at 4:32 pm

    Yuppers. Would too.

  • Yep
    November 11, 2020 at 4:20 pm

    Joe Biden’s America

  • Yep
    November 11, 2020 at 4:16 pm


    • hartf811
      November 11, 2020 at 5:25 pm

      If you boiled the meat off of her ,the bones would still be too dirty to fuck.

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