Pro Tip: Don’t poke the turtle. Chances are, someone out there doesn’t like you very much and they will bring us the scoop on you… then we’re pretty much obligated to report on it.
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The other day, we wrote a piece on a 38-year-old nudnik named Michael Espinola who creamed himself and nearly took out 4 other people, including a 12-year-old girl, while racing his old ass 3-Series BMW. Brief update on that one: A source from the Massachusetts State Police let us know that the car was NOT Michael’s, but, his father’s. Also, they found cocaine and pills in the car, which is probably what fueled his egocentric behavior that fateful evening.
Anyway, within a few hours of the blog being up, his bros descended upon us and hilarity ensued.
Here we have Patrick O’Hara
Welder and weapons master – quite the diverse resume, Pat. I’m shaking in my Uggs.
Pat dropped into the comments, eulogizing his dearly departed:
Paddy is clearly a super sleuth. He found a picture he truly believed was Uncle Turtleboy and started spamming it in the comments. Sorry, Paddy P.I. – that man is not Uncle Turtleboy, he’s merely a Turtlerider, and if you’d bothered to read the byline, you would see that the blog was written by North Shore TurtleBABE; I’m pretty sure I don’t have a dick. Or a “Don’t Poke the Turtle” mug (I need to get on that one.)
Loyal Turtleriders Barb and Lynda tried to fill Pat in so he didn’t continue to make an ass out of himself. But yet, he persisted. Resist!
Hm, what’s that, Pat? That wasn’t you? Also, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘libel’ buddy. You’ve been arrested for knocking someone in your household around… The police logs don’t lie. Wonder who it was? And it apparently happened not once, but TWICE in the same damn week:
Boy likes to smack around his own MAMA. Jeezum crow! They dropped his ass off at Lahey for a mental eval because clearly, he lost his damn mind behaving like that with his own friggin’ mother.
And just in case, since Patrick O’Hara is like the John Smith of the Irish, here is some confirmation that this is indeed Patrick O’Hara of Reynolds Road in Peabody:
Next, we have Grecian God beefcake, Kosta Panousos, talking about neighborhoods and fences in Peabody (?)
Sorry it’s almost illegible, but unfortunately Kosta deleted his comment, so we’re stuck with the shoddy screenshot. It reads:
“Im gonna do my neighborhood friends a favor and keep them out of jail …please if you happen to be one of the morons that support this fat turtle boy choochs’ page IF YOU VALUE YOUR TEETH MOST LIKELY YOUR ENTIRE UPPER FENCE DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT WEAR ONE OF THOSE SHIRTS AROUND PEABODY… FACT”
Good job offering to take one for the team, Kosta!
This is what we imagine good ol’ Sly Stallone might look like if he had an aneurysm or ten.
Kosta scares me a bit honestly, I mean, he has his own YouTube channel with videos highlighting his benching prowess:
315lbs! That’s like three North Shore Turtlebabes – yikes.
I guess when you have a bid at Club Fed hanging over your head it’s easy to offer to keep your friends out of trouble. What’s another year or two of your life lost to friends? Amirite? You see, Kosta has pending federal charges for obstructing justice related to a huge tax evasion investigation at the pizza/sandwich joint he co-owns with his mama, Dora: Giovanni’s Roast Beef in Peabody. Not very wise on his part to spout off on the internet and threaten innocent people with losing their teeth over wearing a particular T-shirt.
We let Kosta know not to poke, but he couldn’t help himself. When will these gummybrained bastards learn? If you have shit in the closet, keep your mouth shut. We got a nice inbox about this guy regarding some other shady shit, too, so he may be his own headline soon enough.
We did get an apology from Kosta, though, so maybe we’ll refrain. Depends on what else comes to light on this nudnik.
Party on, party sandwich.
Then swoops in Michael Barreira blicka-head, Portuguese tow truck driver and amateur photog extraordinaire
There’s just too much going on in this picture. I can’t even handle it. Fodas.
Not getting the response he wanted on his own comments, he took to the inbox, harassing poor Deskie:
Abi always asking the hard-hitting questions. Why DO you have different last names, Mike? Furthermore, who names two of their kids Michael? Could it be that you’re *not* actually brothers?
He keeps going in on poor Deskie who is only trying to help, and I think this fuckknuckle actually hurt her feelings as she stopped responding. Either that or she had to go kick the brown clown out of the one ringed circus – it was about that time.
Undeterred, Michael soldiered on in other comments:
One quick look at this chucklefuck’s page and we were kind of confused. You see, Mike’s a tow truck driver and LOVES to take photos of smashed up cars where people have likely been seriously injured and/or died as a result of their accident and post them publicly on Facebook.
So let’s get this straight: we report on his friend who killed himself and almost killed a little girl and 3 other people in the process, and then Michael threatens, demonizes us, and threatens some more. But here’s Hypocritical Harry doing worse and documenting himself at the scene of others’ tragedies. Hm. Interesting.
He doesn’t like being called out on his hypocrisy I guess and tagged his friend to come to his defense. Poor Mikey, Kevin never came. ☹
Now, here at Turtleboy, we don’t like picking on kids. But, if you’re going to threaten someone and act like a hard ass and you’re ‘of a certain age’ then, you’re fair game.
Here’s Alec Olsen screaming that his step dad “din do nuffin” (typical) on the news the other night.
Dopey here also took to the comments section on Facebook to let us know we’re gonna get got:
- I’m not going to come fight you. I might come and shave the pube ‘stache off your grill though, it’s distracting to look at
- Unemployed I am not
- Unfortunately there isn’t a Mrs. North Shore Turtlebabe, much to the disappointment of some Turtleriders
- I don’t have a police record, period, especially not for being a predator (although the Biebz was making it hard for me at one point, tbh)
- If I met you, I’d have you crying. Then I’d feel bad and I’d have to console you, because as Uncle Turtleboy put it on last night’s Turtleboy Live, I’m kinda motherly like that. Then I’d slap you for being an idiot
These Peabody chuds have since banded together in an attempt to “out” Turtleboy, spamming our Facebook page and any public page who has mentioned us, with an article from the turtlegram published in 2015, along with a commercial address in Worcester and a Western Mass phone number. Like no one’s ever dug up THAT before… these guys have the combined brain power of a turkey drowning in a puddle. They really feel proud of themselves and their accomplishments, too!
Like good ol’ Bobby Zee here:
Oh Bobby. Don’t you know this is fake news?
Bobby is a genius, though, like the rest of his Peabody bros. He likes to beg for help publicly on Facebook and stuff.
I know we’re a week late, but, maybe he still needs a hand. And since Turtleriders are the most awesome, strongest, most organized and attractive EVER, we know some of you will call Bobby and offer to give that mofo a helping hand with a couch or two.
Remember, don’t poke the turtle, kids. We poke back harder.
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