All-Star Criminals

Ramen Noodle-Noggin Arrested For DWI/Drug Posession After High Speed Chase

Ramen Noodle-Noggin Arrested For DWI/Drug Posession After High Speed Chase

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Joshua Burney had one hell of a Monday night after fleeing from the Merrimack N.H. police and crossing into Bedford in a high speed chase with the fuzz because, drugs.2

Josh was chilling all by his bad-self and acting sketchy enough to have the cops called on him by a local business owner. When the police showed up, Slim Shady wasn’t having it and took off in his Audi, crossed over the town line into Bedford, realized he was being a Goddamn moron, pulled over and was given some snazzy, metal bracelets.

Now the police report didn’t specify what the “quantities” of drugs were that they found in his vehicle but something tells me he wasn’t smoking the devil’s lettuce. He rolled into the Merrimack police station and was booked on charges including for OUIL, OUIL Aggravated, Possession of drugs in a motor vehicle (misdemeanor level offenses) and Possession of Drugs (Felony level offense). I’m pretty impressed that all of this happened at 9:30 on a weeknight but when you’re 38 years old you just don’t have the moxie to rage all night. Lord knows when Merrimack Valley Turtle Bae has more than 2 whiskeys before 7 p.m. nothing good is going to happen from there on out. My husband can confirm.

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Here’s Josh back in 2010 before his methamorphosis into evil Captain Peroxide.


It seems as though he had a good thing going for a while. He was given a state-funded tuition grant to help him with his education back in 2008 and went on to have a decent job at New Hampshire Hospital. Unfortunately he was canned in 2012 for taking too many sick days and his appeal was snubbed.docket

That’s the thing about having a job. You kind of have to show up.

Now before you all go ass-over-teakettle and think I’m a mean, horrible person (I am though) I want to clarify why I opted to rip poor Josh a new one. It’s not that I don’t understand addiction because I’m very well versed. Trust me when I tell you that Turtle Bae’s family members have fallen off the wagon so many times you’d think Xhibit pimped it out with top of the line hydraulics. It’s difficult. It can happen to anyone. I get that. But the thing is YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET FUCKED UP AND DRIVE RECKLESSLY WHEN THERE ARE INNOCENT PEOPLE ON THE ROAD. Period. You all know damn well if this chode slammed into a minivan full of folk singing nuns and toddlers from St. Jude’s I wouldn’t seem so bad after all.

Here’s the lineup of spaghetti-heads arrests:

First on the agenda, driving like a tool in 2012. Not the end of the world, right?


BUT SWEET SASSY MOLASSY LOOK WHAT WE HAVE NEXT! I read this over and over again because I found it beyond belief that a police report could contain the word “blankie”. Apparently Burney’s house guest found hiccups to be so disagreeable that it caused an early morning domestic in 2013.


This might explain it.



Ambien is one of those pills that you have to be careful with. On the off chance you end up sleepwalking and trying to baste a turkey at 3 a.m. while singing the pledge of allegiance, you want someone with you that will have your back, not a dude who mule kicks you off the side of your Sealy Posturepedic for having the hiccups.

Josh stayed salty for a while afterwards… And ironic.



So that sucks but eventually he figured out the 2 key elements to life-long happiness. Man-buns and flat-brimmed hats.




Josh looks like he got a great idea and then immediately forgot what it was.



Round of applause for Jesse Pinkman over here. If you scroll through Josh’s Facebook page you’ll see that he has a good amount of friends and family members actively involved in his life. If he has the support system then someone man up and get this guy some goddamn help before he kills someone on his next road adventure with booze and crank in his system. You’re either enabling or ignoring this type of behavior and I call bullshit. Stop giving these assholes a slap on the ass while they waltz out of the courtroom and back to their dealers.






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5 Comment(s)
  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    April 5, 2017 at 3:52 am

    I can only imagine what that sissy fight over the hiccups and blankie must have looked like…

  • Wabbitt
    April 4, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    Justin Timberlake called – he wants his N*Sync era hair back.

  • ZephyrCat
    April 4, 2017 at 11:26 am

    I’m starting to think there are more people high and/or drunk and/or mentally disturbed than people that are not. Throw in all the people who are over medicated on psyche drugs and you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who’s fucked up.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Jesse Pinkman
    April 4, 2017 at 11:13 am

    1st BITCH!

    • Lightbulb
      April 4, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      That’s right, you are the first bitch.

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