Voting in the second round of the Cheesehog Region of Ratchet Madness is over, and there really weren’t any surprises this time around…..
Maude the Fraud barely survives and advances, but we may find out a few months later that she cheated. The Hyannis Hog Gobbler was very underrated. I voted for her, and personally think she should’ve been seeded higher. But alas, Juicin Jeremy has to be the favorite in this bracket now. He’s straight up murdering people. No pun intended.
Onto the Chudstuffer Region…..
We give you links to each of the 8 ratchets left in this bracket, along with their ratchet resume. You vote for who you think should advance to the Sweet 16 at the end of each matchup. You have 24 hours to vote.
1. Michael Cadena vs. 9. Pimple Dick Hockey Dads
- Illegally kidnapped his child from Illinois and ran to Weymouth where he played the victim when law enforcement did what a judge ordered them to do
- Hired a PR team to repeatedly use his child as a prop in a heated child custody battle, likely scarring the child for life
- Completely made up allegations of child abuse in order to smear his child’s mother, not caring about the long term effects this would have on the child when he sees it all
- Chose to go to jail in Massachusetts for 6 months rather than travel to Illinois to fight for his son in court
- Built a cult of gullible, stupid women from across the country, who we scammed into donating over $50,000 so he could hire lawyers (who he never hired) to fight a legal battle he had no intention of actually fighting
- Repeatedly disregarded judge’s orders to refrain from talking about the case publicly
- Conned a bunch of dumb people in Weymouth into dragging their kids out for a protest where they walked into traffic and solicited money that all went to him
- Had his PR team make his son cry on demand so they could tape it and pretend like the son was crying because he didn’t want to see his allegedly abusive mother
- Failed to mention his long and documented history of drug dealing, drug abuse, and violence, to the women he conned into thinking was a respectable father
- Once plead guilty to attempted murder
- Berated and threatened to assault a hockey referee because they didn’t like the way they were making calls in a children’s sporting event
- Ruined the game for everyone by forcing the referees to call it early
- Assaulted a woman recording it on her phone
- Went back home to Connecticut where they masquerade as successful, respected businessmen and fathers
4. Vanilla Lice vs. 12. Gina Clark
4. Vanilla Lice
- Used his sick girlfriend as a prop to raise money by seeking out the media, and then never gave her any of the money after she dumped him
- Blamed it on his ex-girlfriend’s brother for pointing out what a loser he is
- Is a grown man with a chinstrap, and then threatened to fight him
- Poses with bottles of Hennessy whenever possible
- Doesn’t have a job and seemingly deals in cash only, making it obvious what he does for a living
- Has a plethora of Google trophies, including some for assaulting a cop and attempted murder
- Threatened to fight several turtle riders before Bristol called him out and agreed to meet up with him at an agreed upon location to fight, but did not show up, proving he is scared of a girl
- Came on Turtleboy, admitted he’s on Mass Health and admitted he collects food stamps, admitted to collecting money for his ex-gf that he never distributed to her
- Had his brother contact us who then left us a threatening message, during the podcast we replayed that clip several times and he mistakingly thought it was his brother live on the show with us and urged his brother to stop talking
- Had his mother show up on our Facebook page and badmouthed his sick ex-girlfriend
12. Gina Clark
- Started a charity meant to help grieving families for the sole purpose of ripping them off at their most vulnerable time
- Waited for kids to die in tragic scenarios, befriended the families, promised to raise money for them, raised lots of money, and then kept almost all of it claiming that they didn’t make much
- Spent the money for grieving families on herself so she could live a ghettofabulous lifestyle on Cape Cod
- Dragged the families through years of legal battles before finally getting sentenced to a couple years in jail
- Once she got out of prison she was forced to do community service and pay back the families, neither of which she ever did, claiming that she’s too injured to work
- Still walks around Cape Cod in fancy clothing, pimping jewelry with zero self-awareness about what a piece of shit she is
3. Foxy Lady Strippers vs. 11. Failure Swift
- Single handedly got Providence’s most notorious strip club shut down by the State for offering $300 blowies to undercover Providence cops
- One of the ratchets once left her baby daughter in a car when it was 20 degrees outside so she could go into a sex store and buy lube and implements of penetration with the guy who was currently defiling her
- One of the ratchets was blacklisted from every strip club so she went full on Instaslampig hooker
- Got a Boston cop to agree to bang her and her ratchet friend for $2,500 before tricking him into stealing his gun, which they gave to one of their other ratchet friends
- Even after these incidents this ratchet stripper agreed to give Uncle Turtleboy standard missionary sex for $500 in an IG DM
11. Failure Swift
- Frequently pretends to be sick in order to have extended stays in the hospital and receive medication she doesn’t need
- Got kicked out of Kent Hospital, refused to leave, made a scene, forced her slave husband named Metro to film her crying so she could go viral and get sympathy
- Previously failed miserably in hilarious attempt to become a pop star, leaving her cringe worthy tryout videos on YouTube for us to enjoy
- Claims to be a small business owner but really is just as the bottom of an elaborate pyramid scheme
- Pretended to have cancer and started a GoFundMe so that she could get holistic medical care to treat it
- Often writes pity party Facebook posts that go on for days and no one reads except her
2. Rian Waters vs. 10. Shannon Dibartolomeo
2. Rian Waters
- Has never paid a dime in child support to his special needs daughter who he abandoned
- Moved to California with his baby momma and daughter initially, promising them great things, but they ended up becoming homeless so she moved back to Palmer area
- Visited home when his daughter was 2 years old, assaulted his baby momma in front of her by punching her in the face, and then kicked the dog so hard in front of the child that the dog had to be put down
- Scared his baby momma not to testify by threatening to make up allegations of drug abuse on her part when he called the DEA and DCF
- Filed an actual lawsuit against DCF
- Filed an actual lawsuit against Turtleboy Sports for blogging about his public domestic abuse allegation
- Sued the woman who he assaulted and scared into testifying against him, and who he owes unGodly amounts of child support to
- Believes he has been found not guilty in a court of law because he intimidated a witness into not testifying, thus leading to the charges being dropped
- Pretends to be a wealthy and overly arrogant poker player on Facebook, despite being wildly unsuccessful and rocking a hideous pubestache
- Started a GoFundMe for his lawsuit against Turtleboy on the basis that Turtleboy calls children crotch fruits
- Teamed up with Milky Mike Gaffney who wrote him an afidavit and wrote his complaint for him after losing to Uncle Turtleboy in court
- Dropped his lawsuit against his baby momma after several turtle riders showed up to show their support for her at court
- Once was caught attempting to smuggle drugs across an international border and made a break for it before being caught in the woods
- Attempted to extort Uncle Turtleboy in order to not file a losing lawsuit against him
10. Shannon “Pink Pangolin” Dibartolomeo
- Got in a vicious fight on meth mile in 2017 over drugs and/or scissoring rights
- Sent her mother after our Facebook page, threatening us and turtle riders in long winded sentagraphs
- Mom threatened to sue us before filling out the form for Desk Girl Abigail Horowitz
- Has dozens of arrests for shoplifting and larceny
- Raided her ex-boyfriend’s house with her mother, kicked down his door, threw urine on him, and assaulted both him and his mother
- Was arrested by Marshfield Police for shoplifting, but posted on Facebook that they took her Christmas gifts and demanded a blood sample
- Got blood on the police officer, prompting him to freak out because it’s quite likely she has AIDS
- Attempted to prove her innocence and demanded the police return all the stuff she had just stolen by producing a crumpled up receipt from Marshall’s that someone else had thrown in the trash
- Has multiple crotch fruits, all of which were kidnapped by DCF
- Her Mom openly threatened the caring paternal grandparents raising her crotch fruit, prompting Shannon to tell her to “chill Mom, not on Facebook”
- Ended up getting stabbed by butch girlfriend in the leg after openly accusing her of infidelity on Facebook
- Frequently posts about Jesus and finding God in order to give the illusion that she’s a reformed junkie instead of a current junkie
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I feel sorry for anyone who has to face Rian Waters. He’s a ratchet juggernaut.
Did I mention that I recently attended a lecture by the country’s foremost canine forensic pathologist on animal cruelty? Guess who was mentioned by name? Plus acknowledgment of TBS for exposing the little shit stain.
Rian is Joe Louis but Gregg Bates is Muhammed Ali. Deirdre Hall is Tyson. It’s on.
Social Media is Cancer
What really???? I can’t believe someone mentioned that in a lecture!!! I would have loved to hear that
1) Dads are douches, but not worthy of Mike’s trophies. Mike Cadena HANDS DOWN. I think he’ll falter in later rounds, but deserves to advance.
2) Hmm, I need Scopolamine after reading about Lousy Tommy Boy Scopa, but I have to go with VaGina Clark. Preying on grieving parents is beyond despicable, and she exhibits no remorse… plus, any woman wearing that leather two-piece defines ratchet.
3) Sigh, Foxy Lady Strippers are another definition of pure ratchet, but their life circumstances are contributing factors. I ended up going with Failure Swift based solely on revisiting the very entertaining “singing” video; need a wire bottle brush for my ears after that.
4) Shannon Dibarfonmeo is yet another, but so is her mother (I love re-reading theses nomination spreads: Jill writing “… lost my sin Frome an overdosed lastarch…”). I sympathize with loss of a child, but. really. BUT… there’s a special place in Hell for woman beaters and puppy kickers. Before he gets his just reward for a wasted life, he needs to AT LEAST advance to the next round. Maybe I can submit an image of his smirky pic that I’ve made into a target. What a way to strive for a bull’s-eye!
Gawd, I love Ratchet Madness!
The Failure Swift video is so goddamn funny, can’t stop watching it
They really should add the videos of her using some fake British accent, saying Tur-tuh-boy over and over, and referring “to her fans” but always in the third person. That is my favorite video of her.
Go Team Failure!!!
Rian Waters is a colossal cunt, but he was quite shrewd about his legal dealings.
If only his mother had been as shrewd with her use of contraception and her spelling of Ryan.
Foxy strippers FTW!!
1. Michael Cadena. 2. Gina Clark (go Cape Cod!). 3, Failure Swift. 4. Rian Waters