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Alright, Turtle Folk, listen here, I’m actively passing a kidney stone without the aid of narcotics so from here on out shit’s gonna be salty. No apologies. Now, usually, I would give our next contestant on the game show that has no winners a pass but this graffiti “artist” out of Rochester, NH A.K.A where dreams go to die, affected me so much that I shit a brick of astonishment over how much Dylan Williams of Rochester, NH just sucks at life.
Bro, are you fucking serious!? You worked your way up from KFC to Dollar Tree to manual labor and then McDonald’s only to get pinched for worst spray paint abortions I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing?
I think the police might be wrong here, obviously, Dillhole Dylan was attempting to portray what a testicle would look like if spontaneously erupted and subsequently caught fire. There’s no way on God’s green marble of fuckery that guy was going for “an eye with ‘vandal’ underneath it”, there’s just no fucking way. Nope, not in my reality.
I might be too old to understand how street art has gone downhill since my vandal heyday, but this is just unacceptable. I have seen murals that took my breath away, kids with sketchbooks who made their own tips for spray cans, people who risked life and limb avoiding trains in tunnels just to create something they cherished. It’s illegal, can typically be an eyesore and can be downright un-fucking-belivably dangerous but these hoodlums had standards. Just what the shit is this!?
NO. You stop it, you stop it right now sir! Not on my, nor the Rochester Police’s watch. Fuck outta here!
Of course, this pissant Picasso procreated despite having the first job most of us held at 14. Because when you spray without a ventilation mask that has the rating required to not fry every brain cell you have or will ever own, you become so numb in the head that you make everyone who has ever loved you realize they were wrong. And then you get a chick pregnant. Science.
I don’t think I missed the mark when I ventured the guess that this kid isn’t too bright. Screenshots speak for themselves and let me tell you, I hear poetry in motion.
Fuck, I don’t know man. It’s a big world filled with so much to see that the imagination tends to run wild. But then again, we all live on the Internet and you just got arrested, genius.
Seems pretty gosh darned specific to you, my man. The Rochester police seem pretty cut and dry, no two ways about it in their statement. Seems like God wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth. I defy you to justify whatever the hell this is.
Ya can’t. In fact, He saw that tag right there, and sweet baby Jesus himself wept. Dylan, you need to get right with The Lord, I’m talking extra church for the next few months, pal. Your “art” is officially the 8th deadly sin. It goes Pride, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Wrath, Sloth and “Vandal” now. Got that? Your biggest accomplishment to date is creating a new sin, which is so very much further than anyone ever thought you would go in life. Congratulations.
This kid’s face looks like what every STD doctor knows simply as “patient zero”.
Like if Macklemore never got sober. Someone, please tell me dude lives with his momma, just so we can round out the stereotype. And for the record, “Vandal” is the most redundant, unimaginative, just plain fucking stupid, sorry ass excuse for a tag name in the history of ever. Just give me one single redeemable quality, please. Everything about you can’t possibly suck this much.
Ugh, not even close. If you believe that signing something you saw in between weed and THOT memes is going to impeach a president then you’re not worth the fucking dynamite it would take to blow you straight to hell. ‘Cause that’s clearly your spiritual trajectory, buddy. Seriously, apologize to Jesus when you’re praying for a bigger dick and job that you don’t leave smelling like Ronald McDonald’s special sauce, you mental hobo.
Got a tip, gripe, coupons for cranberry juice I can use? Get at me: