All-Star Criminals

Rochester Hack Graffitti “Artist” Arrested After Rash Of Visual Gonorrhea

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Alright, Turtle Folk, listen here, I’m actively passing a kidney stone without the aid of narcotics so from here on out shit’s gonna be salty. No apologies. Now, usually, I would give our next contestant on the game show that has no winners a pass but this graffiti “artist” out of Rochester, NH A.K.A where dreams go to die, affected me so much that I shit a brick of astonishment over how much Dylan Williams of Rochester, NH just sucks at life.

Bro, are you fucking serious!? You worked your way up from KFC to Dollar Tree to manual labor and then McDonald’s only to get pinched for worst spray paint abortions I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing?

I think the police might be wrong here, obviously, Dillhole Dylan was attempting to portray what a testicle would look like if spontaneously erupted and subsequently caught fire. There’s no way on God’s green marble of fuckery that guy was going for “an eye with ‘vandal’ underneath it”, there’s just no fucking way. Nope, not in my reality.

I might be too old to understand how street art has gone downhill since my vandal heyday, but this is just unacceptable. I have seen murals that took my breath away, kids with sketchbooks who made their own tips for spray cans, people who risked life and limb avoiding trains in tunnels just to create something they cherished. It’s illegal, can typically be an eyesore and can be downright un-fucking-belivably dangerous but these hoodlums had standards. Just what the shit is this!?

NO. You stop it, you stop it right now sir! Not on my, nor the Rochester Police’s watch. Fuck outta here!

Of course, this pissant Picasso procreated despite having the first job most of us held at 14. Because when you spray without a ventilation mask that has the rating required to not fry every brain cell you have or will ever own, you become so numb in the head that you make everyone who has ever loved you realize they were wrong. And then you get a chick pregnant. Science.

I don’t think I missed the mark when I ventured the guess that this kid isn’t too bright. Screenshots speak for themselves and let me tell you, I hear poetry in motion.

Fuck, I don’t know man. It’s a big world filled with so much to see that the imagination tends to run wild. But then again, we all live on the Internet and you just got arrested, genius.

Seems pretty gosh darned specific to you, my man. The Rochester police seem pretty cut and dry, no two ways about it in their statement. Seems like God wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth. I defy you to justify whatever the hell this is.

Ya can’t. In fact, He saw that tag right there, and sweet baby Jesus himself wept. Dylan, you need to get right with The Lord, I’m talking extra church for the next few months, pal. Your “art” is officially the 8th deadly sin. It goes Pride, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Wrath, Sloth and “Vandal” now. Got that? Your biggest accomplishment to date is creating a new sin, which is so very much further than anyone ever thought you would go in life. Congratulations.

This kid’s face looks like what every STD doctor knows simply as “patient zero”.

Like if Macklemore never got sober. Someone, please tell me dude lives with his momma, just so we can round out the stereotype. And for the record, “Vandal” is the most redundant, unimaginative, just plain fucking stupid, sorry ass excuse for a tag name in the history of ever. Just give me one single redeemable quality, please. Everything about you can’t possibly suck this much.

Ugh, not even close. If you believe that signing something you saw in between weed and THOT memes is going to impeach a president then you’re not worth the fucking dynamite it would take to blow you straight to hell. ‘Cause that’s clearly your spiritual trajectory, buddy. Seriously, apologize to Jesus when you’re praying for a bigger dick and job that you don’t leave smelling like Ronald McDonald’s special sauce, you mental hobo.

“Damn it, Dylan…”

Got a tip, gripe, coupons for cranberry juice I can use? Get at me:

13 Comment(s)
  • ElJefe72
    April 26, 2018 at 2:30 pm

    Why are these “artist” always placing their “art” on other people’s property or on public property. Why is it never on their own house, car, eyes, etc.?

    In my opinion, I think it’s because it has nothing to do with art or expressing themselves. It has to do with the small thrill of breaking the law and getting away with it. When the list of your jobs include McDonald’s, Dollar Tree, and KFC, there’s probably not much worthwhile going on in you life.

  • #beentheredonethat
    April 25, 2018 at 11:19 am

    No comment on the ding a ling, but to your medical ailments. Hit up a walgreens or CVS and grab some cranberry pills, any kind, it keeps your urinary system flushed of any bacteria being able to stick to the walls of your pipes.  

  • It’s hug a brown bear day! #bearsarepeopletoo #
    April 24, 2018 at 10:21 pm

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Great writer. Jesus clearly loves you I’d like to invite this Artiste du Monde ’vandal’ to my first EVER “Hug a brown bear day to impeach Trump.” Workshop.
    No weapons of war, just weapons of love…understanding, common ground…..animal/human fluidity and impeachment.
    It’s groundbreaking. Much like the exploding, flaming testicles.

  • Rick Shaw
    Rick Shaw
    April 24, 2018 at 4:31 pm

    This moron looks like he was conceived in a test tube. If his fuck trophy procreates, we would be reversing evolution. If his fuck trophies fuck trophy reproduces they will have something less than a Chimpanzee but if McDonald’s is still around, at least it could get a job.

    • Jinxie
      April 24, 2018 at 5:05 pm

      Evolution officially reversed. Fucknut reproduced.

  • Stoner
    April 24, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    I sympathize with you! Currently trying to move my stone along with out any intervention. Currently stuck in same place. Good Luck to you!!

  • Real_Finn
    April 24, 2018 at 2:35 pm


    Banksy wanted me to sent you a virtual kick in the nuts.

    You are the Billy Baggz of graffiti.

    Get Fucked,

    • Jinxie
      April 24, 2018 at 3:26 pm


      Your comments are the highlight of my day.

      I Hope You Get Fucked Daily By The Hottest Person You Know,

      • Real_Finn
        April 24, 2018 at 7:46 pm

        “I Hope You Get Fucked Daily By The Hottest Person You Know”

        thanks! 🙂

  • citypoint
    April 24, 2018 at 2:08 pm

    Dylan is really burning it down with that resume.

    • Michael Hunt
      Mike Hunt
      April 24, 2018 at 2:39 pm

      I GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR AT LEAST MAKING THE EFFORT TO HAVE A JOB (shit caplocks was on, ain’t retyping)

      • Real_Finn
        April 24, 2018 at 2:59 pm

        Mike Hunt,


        [nods sagely]

        Agreed. I don’t care if a person shovels shit for a living – as long as they’re not selling drugs, begging for $ on social media, hustling scams, etc.., I don’t judge a person’s occupation.

        But he’s a world class dink for ruining shit that isn’t his. I hate (most) graffiti artists – they have zero respect for property owners in their weak attempt to make their community look ghetto. Fuck him.


        • juror seven esq.
          April 24, 2018 at 6:00 pm

          To the point Finn. There is nothing that will ever make graffiti acceptable. Unfortunately, the courts all too often do not come down hard enough of the perpetrators. Also the backward city of Worcester puts the responsibility for cleaning this stuff up on the property owner.

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