All-Star Criminals

Springfield Chudstuffer Who Brags About Selling Drugs On Facebook Arrested For B&E After Leaving Footprint Trail In Snow, Ghettofab Free My Boi Commentary Follows On SPD Facebook Page

Springfield Chudstuffer Who Brags About Selling Drugs On Facebook Arrested For B&E After Leaving Footprint Trail In Snow, Ghettofab Free My Boi Commentary Follows On SPD Facebook Page

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What would you expect to find on the Facebook page of a kid that creeps around the neighborhood late at night, steals a motion sensor light from someone’s house and then runs away leaving footprints in the snow leading the police directly to him? A Facebook page full of big naked booties, guns, rolled up blunts and “free my boy (insert ghetto name here) deadass 100”, of course. Meet Bobby Guzman.

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Cute… if you’re into the Neanderthals from the Geico commercials.

It’s one of those Facebook pages you are afraid to peep at work – just tons of degenerate gobbledygook that screams, “I will never get a real job.” I encourage you to take a look. Not that he really needs a job, since he’s busy living off the government and earning a tax-free paycheck as a local drug dealer.

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But, anywho. I usually wouldn’t bother with a story on a stupid teenager who tries and fails at an attempted break-in, but the Springfield PD Facebook page just would not let me off the hook. What I found there was nothing short of discovering the golden ticket for Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory. It led to so many open doors and steered me directly into the Golden Gates of Ratchetville – and Mya Guzman is the Mayor.

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Bobby’s sister, Mya, claims that he was “set up” by his “baby moms.” Naturally, I went on a hunt for the dumpsterslug that was impregnated by this dipshit. Enter Zhamira Hernandez. Nothing too interesting here, and no “Free My Boi Bobby” coming from her. She was simply showing up to the party to make it known that she had nothing to do with this supposed set up.

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But while I was creeping on her page, I couldn’t help but notice this:

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Doesn’t look like much until you start doing some basic math. According to her DOB, she’s 29 years old. Baby boy Bobby is a fresh 18. If they have a baby together, it’s safe to assume he was under the age of 18 when he first knocked her up. Looks a little rapey if you ask me. Just sayin.

With his sister as the Mayor, plenty of other Ratchetvillians got Bobby’s back. Just take a look at the comments section. I swear, every ghettomuppet has the same vocab, the same fucktarded spelling skills and the same box of rocks fuckery of logic and intellect. Here’s a little taste of what you will find in the comments section of the SPD page:

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Ms. Kassandra Rosario, Big Bob’s cousin, is a special one. She commented on every single thread because she don’t care if he broke the law, that’s her cuz, yo! And no cuz of hers should be locked up under any circumstance.

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Oh good, she’s a home health aide. Would you want this skagbag taking care of your frail, aging grandparents? Me neither. I could stop here, because you won’t find anything out of the typical “You don’t know the story, stfu” nonsense, but I just can’t. She’s one of those people that seriously needs to be put back into her place, which I presume is a gutter somewhere in Springfield’s Atwater Park section. You know when people say things like “that’s a face only a mother could love”? I’m pretty sure they are talking about this picture:

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With a face like a workman’s bench and the personality of a short bus passenger, who wouldn’t want to hire her as their Home Healthcare Provider?

But anyways, there must be a shortage of bail money in the Guzman fam because Bobby’s still in the slammer. And apparently he’s in good company:

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Now you’ll have plenty of time with your boys… in lockup. Congratulations, Bobby!



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19 Comment(s)
  • Madcow not Rachel
    April 6, 2017 at 9:07 am

    Living proof that Indians fuck buffalo’s.

    April 4, 2017 at 6:43 pm

    F*#$ The author. Leave your petty bullshit off the internet, no one cares. Who cares what these people are doing? and you being a detective feels more accusatory and judgmental then anything.

  • Shawn
    April 4, 2017 at 7:17 am

    Oh so this is where all the racists people go to hang out!? Your a hateful idiot verbally bashing children from behind ur privileged desk. hahaha so funny to me that ur less mature than them. They probably struggle to live daily, whereas your just dumb and bored. Please feel free to converse I’m very intelligent and love making hateful people feel stupid.

    • Talisman
      April 4, 2017 at 10:44 am

      Yes, you are so intelligent. That comment should win you a Pulitzer. I’ll bet you have a really successful six figure career in trolling. You even have an amazing ability that enlightens you to the struggle to live, emphasis on probable, that these shitbags endure on a daily basis affording them the virtue to steal from others. Not only that, you’re so morally superior that you can deem those that comment on their lack of character as “privileged, dumb and bored”. I’ll bet you belong to the Only God Can Judge Club. Except of course for those that you’re judging here, because they don’t think like you…and they’re mean.

      You should Skype in during the live show and really show off your intellect by debating them in real time. The irony that you, a self-appointed, pseudo-intellectual moron, that has contempt for those that disagree with them and comes here to talk shit about “hateful people”, is well beyond your narcissistic comprehension and would be a sight to behold. So, can we all enjoy hearing you recite your SJW vocabulary in the near future? Or, will you be too busy picking your mommy’s ass hair out of your teeth?

    • NotALawyer
      April 5, 2017 at 3:09 am

      Found the sister.

  • whatevuh
    April 4, 2017 at 6:01 am

    Just another shit-stain on society. Has anyone checked their immigration status? Over the wall you go !

  • sickofitall
    April 3, 2017 at 2:49 pm

    Fucking punjab the jungle boy looking mofo better step up his game hahaha

  • Wabbitt
    April 3, 2017 at 2:12 pm

    Springfield will have its own bracket in ratchet madness next year.

  • Harvard Anthropology Dept.
    April 3, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    Finally the “Missing Link” is discovered.

  • ZephyrCat
    April 3, 2017 at 12:46 pm

    Because getting on facebook and acting all righteous, shouting to the heavens, “Free my boi” just accomplishes so much. It requires no effort, makes no difference to anything. It has as much impact as going outside and farting on a windy day, and then saying you’ve impacted the earth’s climate. You really can’t get much more stupid.

    • ZephyrCat
      April 3, 2017 at 4:45 pm

      Sometimes I like to whip my little johnson out and piss into the wind and give myself a golden shower.

      • Turd Burglestein
        April 3, 2017 at 5:05 pm

        I tried doing that one time because I love getting pissed on. But my goddamned prostate is swollen like a grapefruit so all I managed was a burning dribble down my left leg onto my shoe which my 17 year old dachshund then came over and lapped up. Wasn’t worth getting out of my chair to try.

        • Turd Burglestein
          April 3, 2017 at 5:27 pm

          Hmmm…source code shows the exact same person making all 4 of the last comments. Either zep has gone full retard or bobnmic is up to his stupid tricks again. Either way, why don’t you knock this shit off? It’s not even remotely entertaining. The nature of these comments show you to be the sad sack of a man you’re trying to project on others. Get a life loser.

          • Z-Cat
            April 3, 2017 at 5:33 pm

            Heehee, thought it was you Bob! How bored are you to copy my….source code? THAT was a good movie! Oh Bob, you should be working with me not against me! Oh, and Turd ( Ick! ), have a new address or home movie, you goon?

  • Talisman
    April 3, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    Was this specimen thawed out of a block of ice and enrolled at Hampshire majoring Advertising Arts?

    • Talisman
      April 3, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      Majoring in…

    • ZephyrCat
      April 3, 2017 at 3:01 pm

      Wasn’t that the theme of Encino Man?

  • dom
    April 3, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    This guy looks like the beginning stages of man. Half Ape Half Wooly Mamoth. What an ugly fugger!

  • Dalai Lama
    April 3, 2017 at 12:17 pm

    Free Tibet!

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