All-Star Criminals

Springfield EBT-Rex Steals iPhone From Guy’s Truck, Takes Selfies And Pictures Of Drug Dealing Equipment, Doesn’t Realize How iCloud Works

Springfield EBT-Rex Steals iPhone From Guy’s Truck, Takes Selfies And Pictures Of Drug Dealing Equipment, Doesn’t Realize How iCloud Works

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Here’s your local 413 scumbags of the day…..

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Mistake #1 – “This past Saturday night I was out with family in Springfield MA.” No explanation needed.

Mistake #2 – Leaving iPhone in truck in Springfield.

Mistake #3 – No password protection on phone. I know it’s a pain in the ass to type it in every time you wanna use your phone, but it will save you from so many embarrassing but dials and/or Turtleboy Jr going through your phone and deleting all your apps before handing it to you and saying “Dada – broke.”

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Normally mistakes like this will cost you. A smart thief would’ve pawned that thing for heroin by now. But this rare species of the Springfield EBT-Rex decided to take selfies first, to celebrate the reincarnation of their Obamaphone. What they were planning on doing with those pictures remains a mystery. Smart people would realize that it was only a matter of time until the phone got shut off and they’d never have access to those priceless memories from their section 8 apartment again. But the Springfield EBT-Rex is not a species of wildlife that is known for being particularly smart. Nevertheless, despite their lack of decision making skills, this particular group of animals is not in danger of going extinct due to their exceptional ability to reproduce at will.

Oh, and the of the digital scale was a nice touch. Ya know, just to rub it in that they don’t have jobs or pay taxes, they collect from the government, and they sell drugs for a living. I know what you’re thinking – aren’t they a little old to be selling drugs? Don’t be fooled by their pictures. They might look wicked old, but that’s only because they’ve lived in Springfield for so long. In real life they’re probably about 39 years old, which is the equivalent of 67 in Springfield years.

Oh, and this was hilarious:

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So I guess these people are the Sarai Rivera’s of Springfield.



So this poor guy Jim McSweeney must’ve never heard of Turtleboy before because he made a big mistake afterwards:

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Of course they didn’t pick up your story. If it doesn’t involve a cop using foul language to drug dealers then it won’t fit their narrative. Two scumbag drug dealers leeching off the system and stealing people’s property? That’s a part of society the mainstream media will always go out of its way to pretend doesn’t exist.

Luckily he has some friends that guided him in the right direction:

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And here we are now.

Might be a long shot here, but does anyone recognize these winners? You might’ve seen last seen them holding signs for Richie Neal. If so, please let us know. Something tells me they don’t have Facebook so it won’t be as fun, but at least we could get a name. I know the Springfield Police read this blog, so maybe there’s something they can do. Ya know, since they know exactly where the phone is and exactly who stole it. I’m sure a stolen iPhone isn’t high on their list of priorities, since Princeza Aponte is out on bond for the 400th time and running amok in the city. But this one seems like it would take 15 minutes to get to the bottom of. Oh yea, and it looks like from the photo evidence that when they raid this gypsy den they’re probably gonna find that these EBT-Rex’s are selling coke too.

Just sayin.



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23 Comment(s)
  • JF
    March 19, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    You should post their pictures to their churches website –
    Someone must recognize them

  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    March 16, 2017 at 1:39 am

    The fact that there is a lighter and what looks to be a crack pipe next to the scale leads me to believe that they are buyers and not sellers. Livin’ it up in the paradise that is… West Mass!

  • GuidoSalducci
    March 14, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    Every time I see a photo of Sarai Rivera in the priest outfit, I think it is a photo from a costume party…the photo with WANDA next to her makes it even more so.

  • Dumbcriminals
    March 14, 2017 at 5:37 pm

    Dying for a Part 2.

    Find these fuckers.

  • ZephyrCat
    March 14, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    My wife lost her phone a few years ago when she still had a flip phone. Fell out of her pocket at the movie theater. She realized pretty quickly and we went back to look. No luck. She went to check her service and there already was a 45 minute phone call to mexico. Oh yeah, cultural enrichment! All nice, honest, hardworking folks. Fuck dem gringos man..all dem white folks is rich man. She was most pissed she lost some pictures she was fond of.

  • AARP
    March 14, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Couldn’t pay your annual dues ?

  • Steve
    March 14, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    Do a white pages search for everyone that lives in that area, and then cross reference the names to social media pages.

    I bet you can match a name to the picture.

  • whatevuh
    March 14, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Those are two of the ugliest slimeballs I’ve ever seen, they deserve each other

    March 14, 2017 at 11:50 am


    Sounds awful…

  • Bar
    March 14, 2017 at 11:42 am

    Hire Vulva, he’ll find them in a hour max.

  • Talisman
    March 14, 2017 at 11:41 am

    I predict it was their son or grandson that is the thief. “Look at what he bought me, a new phone”. “He’s such a good boy, and his jalapeno farm must be doing so well!”

  • Sloppy
    March 14, 2017 at 11:10 am

    If it was a cocky blond kid wearing a polo shirt it would be breaking news on channel 22 right now.
    By the way, I wonder if the selfie subjects heeded the governor’s request and are working from home today instead of going into the office?

    • White Pride White Power
      March 14, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      No one hates whites more than the MSM.

  • JoeMomma
    March 14, 2017 at 11:05 am

    Ten whole dollars….looks like they are as successful as drug dealers as they are at life.

  • Rich
    March 14, 2017 at 10:49 am

    Can’t remember the last time I only wore a t shirt in my house during the winter. But then again, I have to pay for my own heat.

    • March 14, 2017 at 11:11 am

      I pay for my own heat and barely wear clothing at home in the winter. I’m a 70 degree thermostat whore who rather go broke than wear layers though.

  • TurtleResearchDept.
    March 14, 2017 at 10:42 am

    Lol quick search on neighborhood…

    35 residents in one duplex

    22 in single dwelling.

  • Pissed off American
    March 14, 2017 at 10:41 am

    Ii would be wiling to bet the cops already know who they are and are just not interested. Do you think this will be their first run in with the Springfield PD, I doubt it. I know in Worcester when they are looking to identify someone they send out a huge group email to all the Worcester PD and surrounding towns to help with ID.

  • Coach
    March 14, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Another home run by the great TB! Coach says go to see Springfield personal injury Attorneys like Dean Goldblatt or Alekman and Ditusa. Those bottom feeders make their fortunes representing gutter-slugs like these two cretins. I bet if you waived these pictures around those injury-mills you would be able to identify them in no time at all.

  • John Galt
    March 14, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Just send in ICE. Sweep up the whole neighborhood.

    (“I was murded “. Ha!)

  • LLC
    March 14, 2017 at 10:21 am

    Fuck these people…not working, stealing & selling drugs.

    This shit infuriates me.

    Lemme guess, not legal either.

    • Hanginpossum
      March 14, 2017 at 2:21 pm

      I’ll bet they are not only legal but also make it a point to vote in every election.

    • Turd Burglestein
      March 14, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      Hey motherfucker, that’s my sister and brother-in-law. Don’t talk shit about mi amigos. She’s also my love interest, so back off. They also know where all the bodies are buried.

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