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We took the bone ride to the south shore today for the latest chapter of the tour de turtle. Almost all of these places look exactly the same except for two of them. They’re not bad, but they’re not really nice either. They’re all flat, boring, not too run down, towns where people don’t like to mow their lawns. We hit up the following 10 towns in order: Braintree, Quincy, Weymouth, Rockland, Abington, Whitman, Brockton, Avon, Holbrook, Randolph. Here’s how we ranked em.

 

 

1. Braintree

Remember these idiots?

Baby Gangsta and his hoodrat friends. According to his buddy who emailed us an incoherent threatening message afterwards, Braintree is the hood life:

 

2. Avon

Braintree is easily the nicest town we went to today. From 2-8 on this list we could probably rank em in any order. But I guess Avon would have to be considered the second nicest town we visited. It’s wicked small so there’s not much too it. It’s basically just this boulevard:

Big Jim’s Liquor Store

A couple boarded up homes

 

And some modest homes in quiet neighborhoods

 

3. Randolph

All these south shore towns look exactly the same. Randolph is the perfect example. You’ve got broken down minivans in the driveways

Double lined roads with garages and warehouses

Snow plows on front lawns

Quaint looking neighborhoods

Depressing looking gas stations

And lawns that have never been mowed

That’s the south shore in a nutshell.

 

4. Abington

Abington might be the most forgettable and dull town in Massachusetts, lost in a sea of south shore mediocrity. Everything looks old, but not like, falling apart old. Just, blah.

And in Abington apparently people just open up car dealerships on their overgrown lawns.

 

5. Whitman

Same shit, different town. Double lined roads with car dealerships

Densely packed, average looking neighborhoods

And the occasional couch and bags of trash sitting amongst an overgrown lawn

 

6. Weymouth

The most famous person from Weymouth is George Jung, the guy Johnny Depp played in Blow. He described it as a quiet American town where not much is going on, which is why he started dealing cocaine. But their second most famous citizen is a lot more abrasive. His name is John from Weymouth, and last year he declared war on the entire south shore, and later sent us threatening emails as well:

So yea, we were expecting a coke-filled dump filled with Internet bad asses like John here. Granted Weymouth is a little bit bigger than some of these other towns, so there were a couple dumpier parts. But mostly it’s just quiet, forgettable neighborhoods, like the way George Jung described it. Nothing like Brockton or Lawrence, which seems to prove that the south shore is just filled with white boys who think they’re hardos from the hood.

 

7. Rockland

There are some nicer parts of Rockland for sure

But for the most part it’s just a cesspool of ugly looking industrial plants

Long roads with random buildings where something is being manufactured or warehoused but you have no idea what it is

white rape vans

“yard sales,” which are really just overflowing trash that Rockland people can’t fit in their homes

Old, run down, but not TOO run down looking buildings

Broken down minivans and RV’s

Cars parked on lawns

Abandoned gas stations

And overall ugliness without a theme

 

8. Holbrook

Holbrook is kind of like the armpit of the south shore. It’s filled with garages

RV’s

Homes covered in “Beware of Dog” signs that you had no intention of robbing anyway

Shady red rape vans

A vibrant downtown

Lawns filled with random shit

Mixed in with your standard, average, south shore neighborhoods that look exactly the same in every town

 

9. Quincy

For a city of it’s size (close to 100,000 people), Quincy isn’t that bad. It’s a lot nicer than Worcester, that’s for sure. There’s nothing that even remotely resemble Main South or Belmont Street. Granted, it’s not nice at all. It’s just not too shabby considering the amount of people they jam pack into there.

Granted there is the occasional couch or two on the lawn

Quincy does have an extensive border with the ocean. But unfortunately this is what the beach looks like:

And this is what constitutes a view from ocean front property

And the traffic will make your head spin

But there’s a lot of nice looking places, as long as you don’t mind being packed in like a sardine

 

10. Brockton

Obviously. No brainer. It’s not the worst place to live in Massachusetts, but it’s pretty close. It will more than likely be a 1 seed when we have our tournament of dump champions after we visit all 351 towns and cities. Let’s look at some of the sites you will see while driving through the self-proclaimed “City of Champions” because one boxer went undefeated 65 years ago…..

First you’ll see Brockton’s never ending supply of abandoned mattresses

And the calling card of a great neighborhood is when you see a pair of sneakers hanging from the power lines

There’s a never ending supply of places to cash your chekcs

Abandoned lots filled with hopes and dreams

Thriving businesses

Boarded up buildings and discarded furniture

State of the art triple deckers

Some random guy that is always doing his aerobics program outside in fluorescent outfits

The shadiest rape vans you’ve ever seen, complete with “Pick up a pig tonight” bumper stickers

But what Brockton is most famous for is its chillin’. There are more people chillin’ at any given in time in Brockton than any other town in America. It’s like Jamaica except there’s no beach and nobody is smiling

Find me a place in America where your daily plans consist of sitting down on a broken down washing machine in a fenced in lot, staring at cars as they pass you by. That’s the American dream right there. City of Champions indeed!!

We lost track of how many towns we’ve been to now. We’ll have to start compiling a master list and ranking them all. I feel like it’s gotta be close to 100 now. As usual, let us know if we missed anything on this list and if we got it right. And as always, let us know where you think we should take our next bone ride to.

 

 

 

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