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So on Friday Masslive published this article about some mushhead pulling a snatch and run at the Auburn Mall:
Police are searching for a man they say asked an employee at Kay Jewelers to see a $3,400 necklace so he could buy it for his girlfriend, but then snatched it from the employee’s hands and ran off. The theft inside the Auburn Mall store occurred around 6:30 p.m. Friday, according to Auburn Police. The man, who is white and in his 20s, asked to see the 22-inch gold chain. When the clerk held it up, the man took it, police said.
Yes!!! The Auburn Mall again!! It feels like just yesterday we were watching these cheesehogs go at it as a shocked and saddened Santa looked on at the layers of exposed blubber that will scar the small children who saw it forever:
What a brilliant plan!! It’s not like they’re gonna have cameras in the Auburn Mall. Nothing ever goes viral their. Ever.
We were gonna blog about it but then the weekend came and we kind of forgot. But we did notice that someone left this comment on Masslive’s story:
“Looks a little like the missing guy from CT., Todd Allen , I think is his name.”
Oh for fuck’s sake. Everything and everyone is TJ Allen these days. Give it a rest people.
Then we woke up today and found that the perp had turned himself into the APD:
Webster. Shocking. Sometimes these blogs just write themselves. Although according to his Facebook page, he’s actually living in Worcester via Douglas:
Or maybe he just school-choiced there. Either way, Jeremy Brule has clearly spent a significant amount of his leisure time close to the railroad tracks in Webster.
His Facebook page is exactly what you imagined it would be too. First sign that you’re dealing with a slug rake – they use the dog filter in one of the first pictures you come across:
And he’s a real bad ass too, let me tell ya.
Whos’ gonna fuck with the King of Wallum Lake?
Hey Jeremy, ya know all those rappers you’re trying to emulate by flashing that ice? Yea, they’re doing that because they paid for that ice. Ya know, because they’re rich. That’s what makes them ghettofabulous – the fact that they’re blowing all their money on ice instead of investing it into their 401K. But you’re only allowed to flash the ice if you paid for it. Pulling a snatch and run at Sears isn’t nearly as glamorous as you apparently think it is.
It’s cool though. He had the money, he just didn’t want to part with it because he wanted to “keep the money close.”
He also wants everyone to know how well things are going for him because he can afford to smoke blunts to the dome while wearing a bootleg watch he stole from Savers.
And for a white boy who
graduated from occasionally attended Douglas High School, he sure does like to use the “n” word:
This is probably the most appropriate meme ever posted. Jeremy Brule is broke. He needs to start saving money and he knows it. But then dark side Jeremy Brule chimes in and is like, nah son – acquire ice. So he does.
When one of his Webstacular rivals called him out on it, on Christmas morning nonetheless, it turned into a wannabe junior hoodrat battle of the brains:
“N word, Get your money up youngin? Bro, you just stole a necklace from Sears at the Auburn Mall because you had no money to get up. But yea, you’re definitely in a position to call other wangstas poor.
It got better…..
“On dogs.” Is Jeremy reading the 2005 urban dictionary? What kind of failed G Funk still says “on dogs?” Come on dude, even Turtleboy knows that word is not up to date. But yea, the fact that most white people born after 1997 don’t see anything wrong with casually tossing the “n” word up on social media is a phenomenon like none other.
Sweet baby Jesus. He just called Douglas, “D Town.” That’s amazing.
And this was ironic:
Jeremy Brule, who says the “n” word like it’s going out of business, just accused one of former homies of pretending to be black. You can’t make this stuff up. Also, not sure if Nick Deschene’s keyboard is broken, or if he’s trying to pretend he’s in some sort of gang (I think one of those groups doesn’t like to use the letter “c”, might be the Bloods), but he’s a real gem nonetheless. He also
graduated from attended Douglas High School:
As you can see, he’s the one on graduation day who WASN’T wearing a graduation robe:
And he might seem like a sheltered white boy from Douglas:
But don’t be fooled. He’s a stone faced killer:
And of course, guess what his favorite hat of choice is?
A flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. Because that’s the first thing you have to purchase when you make the decision to be such a hoodrat that you become Turtleboy famous.
Oh, and I’m pretty sure his lady:
Was the ratchet who decided it would be a good idea to film her white trash friends and family getting their ass kicked by the Webster Police.
That’s her, right?
Anyway, sorry if it seems like we’re picking on Webster. We really have nothing against the place. But your town keeps giving us stuff to write about.
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