Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Fall River, Westport, Dartmouth, New Bedford, Acushnet, Fairhaven, Mattapoisett, Marion, Rochester

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We haven’t done a bone ride in forever, so we were due for another zip trip. But where to? We’ve been to nearly half of the 351 towns and cities in this state already. But since Fall River was the hot topic this week we decided it was time for a bone cruise to the South Coast where we hit up the following nine towns in order: Fall River, Westport, Dartmouth, New Bedford, Acushnet, Fairhaven, Mattapoisett, Marion, Rochester. Here’s how we ranked them from nicest to biggest shithole.

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1. Marion

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A truly lovely and quaint little town beach. This is what their downtown looks like:

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Notice how much nicer things look when you put a little pride in your appearance? Granted it’s Marion, but there’s no overgrown weeds, no trash on the ground, and no panhandlers. Also the adding of the American flags on Main Street is a nice touch that really makes your town look like less of a shithole. I guess these are the things you can afford to pay when you have multi-million dollar property everywhere and they’re all paying property taxes.

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2. Rochester

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Turtleboy’s favorite kind of towns are the ones with no traffic. Rochester is one of the greatest towns in the state for driving. As you can see, the roads are in great condition and no one is on them.

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There’s a lot of neighborhoods, but you’re not too close to your neighbors, which is a good thing because a lot of the time neighbors suck. And there is nary any trashbag families that keep broken down Camaro’s on their front lawn, sinking your property value. Almost everyone in town seems to have a well manicured, well maintained, nice looking piece of property.

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3. Mattapoisett

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It’s a great town, and it’s easy to get around because Route 6 runs directly through it, since it’s basically a cut through town for New Bedfordites to invade Cape Cod.

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It’s a beach town, very similar to Marion. Just not quite as nice, but still way better than the Turtleboy family is used to.

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Seriously, how do you get your sidewalks that clean? It’s amazing.

 

4. Dartmouth

Dartmouth is kind of like a tweener town. It’s much bigger (34,000 people) than most towns. I’s not like an urban area, but it does have a couple traffic lights, which I’m not really a fan of if you’re living in a town.

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And when you live in a bigger town like this, you’re gonna have people that park broken down school buses in their driveways who are constantly doing work on their 95 Corollas.

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But that’s OK. All in all Dartmouth is a pretty forgettable town. It’s not bad at all, but it’s not really trying to show off either. It’s just your average Massachusetts suburb with a lot of Trump supporters.

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5. Fairhaven

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To be honest, I was expecting nicer. Fairhaven isn’t exactly dumpy, but it just kind of reminds me of New Jersey, when I was expecting a beach town. Kind of a small town landwise, so it seems like they really just pack em all in there. Very un-Rochester-like. But at the end of the day it’s still a lot nicer than New Bedford or Fall River. It’s just one of those towns you’ll quickly forget about after driving through it.

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6. Acushnet

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Underrated dumpy town. There’s a lot of this going on in Acushnet:

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And there’s a bunch of trailers, but at least they’re clean looking.

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But like I said with Marion, it makes a big difference when you put pride into your appearance. And a lot of Acushnet has decided to just let itself go:

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I’m sorry, but leaving your old furniture out on the front lawn for someone to take is just a classic white trash move. You can’t allow that. Either burn your couch like a civilized human being or give it to goodwill. Leaving it on the sidewalk until someone takes it isn’t giving it away. It’s littering. Luckly there’s plenty of average looking places in Acushnet that make it redeemable though.

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7. Westport

We found like, one or two streets in Westport that had some swankyness to them.

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But honestly, it’s a pretty dumpy looking place. First of all, it’s big and spread out.

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And everywhere you go it looks like Route 20 in Worcester. Just a bunch of random industrial businesses that look like they sell sand to other businesses.

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Oh, and car dealerships. Tons of car dealerships.

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For every pleasant looking street in Westport

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You get a house like this

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It’s like a scene out of the Walking Dead. Except it’s five minutes from the beach, which is why everyone in town has a shipwreck in their yard.

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But it could be worse. Much worse.

 

8. Fall River

You knew it had to be Fall River or New Bedford in last right? It was a toss up, it really was. Ultimately Fall River was somewhat more redeemable than New Bedford. But that’s not really saying much. Fall River does have a beautiful view, especially if you enjoy watching smog come out of industrial smokestacks and coolants.

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The neighborhoods are very elegant and charming.

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There are a plethora of run down abandoned factories where stray cats can get together for fun activities.

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Business is thriving in economic district.

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Especially if you’re in the market for……lottery tickets, soda, motor oil, and Newport Lights, and you wanna pay with your EBT card.

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Don’t worry about buying more than you can carry though. Fall River has an open-shopping cart policy. Find a stray shopping cart on any street corner and leave it wherever the hell you feel like leaving it when you’re done with it.

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Same goes with furniture. Every day is “free yard sale” day in the Riv.

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The reception in Fall River is great too. The satellite dishes have even grown their own satellite dishes.

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And if you like random guys in hoodies standing around doing nothing all day doing nothing, then Fall River is the place for you.

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Oh, and remember that assbag reporter from the Herald News wrote that column shitting on Turtleboy for pointing out that all those out of control Durfee parents wore their pajamas to the riot they attempted to incite? He tried to say that they were wearing pajamas because they were in a rush and were worried their kids were gonna get shot. LOL. Wrong. They were wearing pajamas because that’s just what a good 60% of people in Fall River wear whenever they leave the house.

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So yea, Fall River is an amazing land of splendor and opportunity. You just have to watch out for the Ghetto Clowncillor and you should be in the clear.

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9. New Bedford

When we come up with our final list, New Bedford will easily be in the Top 10 dumpiest places to live, if not top five. It’s got everything you need in a hoodrat’s paradise. Liquor stores on every corner

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Tedeschi’s as far as the eye can see

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Hondas with blue rims, which more than likely double as delivery cars for dime bags of shwagg

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Shopping carts

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Small children who never have to go to school

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If you count “chillin on the stoop” as one of your favorite past times, then you’ll have a great time in New Bedford

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There are also a never ending supply of finely dressed New Bedfordites who cross the street when the fuck they feel like crossing the street, and stare you down just in case you had second thoughts about honking your horn.

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It’s got sidewalk furniture galore

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Finely kept infrastructure and sidewalks

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Robust economic development

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Endless seas of triple deckers that proudly wear their satellite dishes like boy scouts wear merit badges

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Dead end streets that end with an abandoned brick factory

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Don’t worry though. It’s a rule in New Bedford that every run down brick building must have a Family Dollar directly across the street from it.

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So you’ll never need to waste your time going to the mall.

Anyway, did we get them right this time? Anyone from down there agree or disagree with us? Feel free to let us know if we missed anything. And where should we go to next?

 

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Discussion

  1. Ham


    Was once in a cab coming back from bars in downtown New Bedford, saw a woman getting grabbed/pushed/hit by a man. We had the minivan cab stop, we flung the sliding door open and she jumped in as we sped away. Turns out we rescued a hooker from her pimp. Good times.

    1. Reddog


      My son and I did the same thing ten years ago after the summer nationals one night. He hung on to my truck bed until my son cut the wheel on chandler street and he was flung into the middle of the intersection. Great memories from the Woo.

  2. person street


    ” Fall River does have a beautiful view, especially if you enjoy watching smog come out of industrial smokestacks and coolants.”

    That’s just awesome. I went to high school in N. Dartmouth and you did a good job with this.

  3. Sal Monella


    When you make your list of dumpiest cities, list the Mayor and whether they are Democrat or Republican.

    Hmmmm…. people in poverty keep voting to keep themselves in poverty so they can bitch about being poor and get more free shit. It’s and endless spiral downward, started with the War on Poverty.

    I’d say it is a joke but it cost us $Trillions, all borrowed, which our grandchildren will have to pay some foreign country back, so they will never have the standard of living that we do now.

    Wake up.

  4. Idiocracy


    I enjoyed this column as I ate my Captain Crunch.

    It is all entertainment at this point! 🙂

  5. Peter frost


    You missed freetown. Where every other car is some jacked up jeep or pickup truck. Half the town is next to new bedford and the other half is on Fall River. Drag racing, gun shots all times of year, vehicles with no mufflers blasting through stop signs at 2 am. Yard sales everywhere everyday junk yards all over the place, lots of meth production for new bedford and fall River.

    Run down houses and scrap yards in the front yards of many homes

    On the other side of town, multi million dollar homes, house parties by connected town people which are hundreds strong.

    The school system is good. That’s about it.

  6. Low Profile


    Thanks for the tour. I’d never see those towns if it wasn’t for you.

  7. Reddog


    I’ve been watching the Lizzie Bordon chronicles on Netflix and Fall River looked much better in the late 1800’s.

  8. GhostofLB


    Bet you didn’t have the sack to get out your car you little pu$#y…You have a mighty big mouth behind that keyboard atleast the Herald News columnist shows his face….I hope someday the good people of NB and FR get to see you in person…Until then enjoy yourself…

    1. Turd Burglestein


      Does the LB in your name stand for Little Balls?

  9. juror seven esq.


    You keep talking about beaches as you did the tour, but I didn’t see a single beach picture.

  10. GhostofLB


    I bet you had your doors locked and windows rolled up….Stay in the suburbs….l

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