All-Star Criminals

Backpage Hookersaurus Rex And Anti-DCF Crusader Turning Tricks Out Of North Shore No-Tell-Motel Has Her Boink Buddy Troll Employee Parking Lot For Open Vehicles With Valuables Inside, Gets Caught On Camera Ganking Front Desk Employee’s Purse With Kids’ Giftcards Inside

Crack is whack, kids.

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Holla atcha girl:




Last week, an employee of well-known no tell, motel in Danvers had her vehicle broken into by a ‘guest’ and had her purse, which contained quite a few valuable items, stolen:

So this chudstuffer who presumably just got done slamming his salami into a hooker hatch decides to go troll the employee parking lot for open cars, in broad daylight, knowing that there are proooobably cameras around. Smart guy. Desperation is a motivation, though, and he likely needed a few bucks to pay for his hog-ridin’ ho-down.

This all transpired on Wednesday, and by Friday, the fuzz had caught up with him because… well he was stupid enough to rob a car in the parking lot of the motel he was playing hide the bologna baton in. Darwinism at work, folks! We still don’t know who he is, though – if you do, drop NSTB a line.

It helped the boys in blue that the Hookersaurus Rex the chud was banging used her real gubmint name to rent the room.

Meet Jen Swanson:

Exotic dancer at VIP Entertainment and President of Moms and Dads Against The Department of Children and Families. What a fuckin’ resume! I’m sure there’s zero causation between them, too.

As you can see, Jen looks like she was rode hard and put away wet (which is also probably not far from the truth)

She’s a self-admitted backpage hooker, crack smoker, vein popper, and will do whatever your deviant little heart desires for a bag of dope or hard, or maybe both, or $50 cash. Better go shake out the floormats in your car for any errant rocks, you might just get yourself a gummer!

And of course, she doesn’t have custody of any of her crotchfruit – or the ones she buys to “mother” in the form of furry babies. A stupid crackwhore rat cunt by the name of Paula catnapped her kitty, which is probably the best thing that could’ve ever happened to it. “DCF Round 3” as she puts it. Thank God someone is looking out for the welfare of the voiceless, regardless of their species.

And now she’s addicted to heroin, crack, sex, and money! It’s all that rat cunt Paula’s fault, because Jen doesn’t have a cat to support and spend her cash on Meow Mix for, she has to find another way to blow it. And what better way than pumping shit into your veins and getting dicked down continuously?

Just when you think the ratchet meter can’t possibly go higher, it does

She’s trying to fuck poor MaLinda’s baby daddy while Jen herself is married. Jen just can’t help herself, cuz, sex addict, and asks Meaty MaLinda for help, who respectfully declines. Let’s take a quick peek at MaLinda:

Holy Sharpie’d udders. I know Jen’s not much of a looker, but if I were her, I don’t think I’d be chasing down the yogurt slinger that reared its ugly head in this wildebeest.

Oh, and those autographs on Meaty MaLinda’s hefty, hanging Gerber servers?

Only those of the best of the best at Lucky Pro Wrestling, a 3rd rate wrestling company out of Central Mass. That’s Vern Vicallo she’s posing with, by the way. Don’t know who he is? Neither do I!

Oh, and it appears MaLinda doesn’t have custody her her crotchfruit, either. Surprise!

Anyway, back to Hookersaurus Jen here:

Eleanor seems like a sweet, little old lady just trying to help and doesn’t really know how. She mentions Paul… Paul is Jen’s husband.

Apparently, Jen and Paul have had their ups and downs, as every relationship has. Jen is upset because she went snooping through his phone and found out his ass has been going to poundtown with transgender women whom he pays a handsome sum of $350 to $500 for the lady dickin’ down adventure. No wonder she turned to Backpage – she needed to get her a dose of retribution and replace all the money her philandering husband was throwing at the ladymeat.

This hookersaurus also needs bail money, and has no problem begging the powers that be on Facebook to help

I wasn’t aware that if you don’t make bail, you get evicted, and lose the most prized possession known to a ratchet: her section 8 voucher.

She also uses the Facebook machine as a minute clinic, querying the public as to what swelling in her feet could *possibly* be (hint: infected hidden track marks)

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Vic gets it. That car must be doubling as her hovel. We have the typical ratchet fare scattered about – Wendy’s, plain Lays chips, water bottles, and what looks to be another hot purse. I think it’s safe to assume that her foot probably got infected from hauling around town barefoot in the hoochie hoopty.

When she’s not participating in any of the standard hoodratchetry defined above, you can find her trying to fight DCF on the Facebook machine for kidnapping children:

Newsflash: Kids are dying when they remain with unfit parents like YOU, Jen. Aside from the vein popping, the crack smoking, and the nightly trains you enjoy having run on your tunaflap, you can’t even get off your ass and bring yourself to the ER for what is clearly an infection; how can anyone reasonably expect for you to take care of a child? Applause all around for DCF in this instance. I’m glad her kids are actually safe and being taken care of.

I know you’re all in need a shower after this, but before we end this, there is some silver lining. The victim was able to recover most of her items, specifically the gift/bank cards, and her license and Hookersaurus’ boink buddy was pinched by the fuzz. It’s unclear whether or not Jen will face charges as an accessory, but at least the good guy came out on top on this one.

Glad these shitstains didn’t hold back on the Chuck E. Cheese gift card – we have enough riffraff to deal with at the Mouse House, we don’t need anymore, like these ones, and these ones, aaaaand these ones.



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10 Comment(s)
  • Sammyveritas
    August 29, 2019 at 4:54 pm

    Jen, if you haven’t OD’ed yet, GO GET HELP…and stop blaming and making excuses for EVERYTHING and start OWNING your mistakes…no libel here either since TRUTH is the ULTIMATE defense to a defamation claim…BOOYAKA BOOYAKA

    P.S. BTW, this post was fantastic–

  • Jennifer Swanson
    July 12, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    So since almost all of this article was fabricated (to go along with how the rest of the article is just based around comments made by whoever hacked my Facebook account) I’m wondering when the”powers that be” at turtleboy will remove this post of libel, which continues smearing my name, reputation and character, demeaning my efforts, throwing salt in my wounds, and praising the unspeakable injustices I’ve been suffering giving them excuses for what they did to me and published lies about my life? Who do I talk to and how dare you sum up my life in such a twisted way? I’ve been thru enough. It’s bad enough DCF had to fabricate reasons to kidnap my son but the author had to hack my FB account to prove I’m this crack whore to better bash me in this bs article? If I’m that bad why would you need to lie and hack my account to fabricate proof? This is illegal and you better not just take it down but write a retraction and hope it gets to as many people as it got to when you went after me for reporting the thief and returning that ungrateful trash talking cunt who wrote this about me after hacking my FB just cuz she was mad and had no idea who stole her purse but knew my name cuz the thief stole my truck to do it so she attacks me publicly?
    I’m not a crack whore I’m not and never was an unfit parent DCF isn’t good DCF gave my daughter to a sadistic abusive psycho and removed my son based around lies; he’s going to grow up believing he’s a crack baby when DCF received weekly clean drug screens from me during my pregnancy. If you knew the real story that would’ve made a much better article. I may write about it one day after I get over the PTSD a bit better from the horror I experienced from my daughter’s father then the abuse of the legal system by DCF causing me to be further punished for surviving that ordeal of pure horror by punishing my children, all because the whole thing left me poor therefore vulnerable..
    Turtleboy and the author of this article ought to be ashamed and brought to Justice actually I’ve taken all I can take

    -hookersaurus rex

  • Jennifer Swanson
    June 14, 2017 at 12:25 am

    I don’t have track marks on my feet u stereotypical cunt also that fat girl with marker all over her chest isn’t me if you don’t know what you’re talking about you shouldn’t shoot at an unknown target take this shit down I don’t need this shit

    • eric griffin
      March 29, 2020 at 8:40 pm

      how much for a blowjob

  • Fact Checker
    June 5, 2017 at 10:35 pm

    You can tell Jen is a genius by the name of her fake facebook vigilante group. “Mom’s and Dad’s Against the DCF.” She really never considered “Parents Against the DCF”? And you really dont need to slap a T in an acronym for “the”. I guess MADATDCF just had too much of a ring to it.

  • Tentpiglet
    June 5, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    Nothing says “classy” more than tats (even fake ones) on your udders. I wanna take her home to meet mom.

  • Mark D
    June 5, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    I did enjoy her blatant honesty about all the things that she is addicted too. You don’t see that too often. Props to her!

    • Jennifer Swanson
      July 12, 2017 at 10:44 pm

      I’m not addicted to anything I had my account hacked I did not write any of that shit

  • Savage Squaw Bitch
    June 5, 2017 at 12:46 pm

    Wow, what a dirty-ass hooker.

    But seriously, who leaves her purse in her vehicle? I thought common sense rule 1 advised against this…

    • Jennifer Swanson
      June 14, 2017 at 12:19 am

      All thats bullshit this bitch only had my NAME.. Which is so good Lynn PD let me go with the thief after they informed me I was with a thief and the stolen shit..I actually felt bad for this shit talker and yelled at him the whole way..I gave her back her stuff and he got arrested. I got a shitty ex who posted me on Bp and broke into my fb and interfered with my dcf case until I came “home,” to get hit.. He’s currently in Middleton waiting to be indighted. And even after this fat fuck gets her nothing returned she can’t retract this slander? It’s bad enough having to survive domestic violence DCF and homelessness… SOBER BTW… Now cuz 80% of Trump voting retards are so ignorant I’ve been turned into a tabloid favorite as well?
      I’m Jen Swanson and I don’t use I don’t steal DCF placed my daughter with a violent pedophile and my son has no parents cuz dv makes you poor and all cuz one dumb cunt couldn’t reprint CVS pics while waiting on me to RETURN her shit. I’m now hookasaurus rex who deserved having DCF give my children to my abuser? Ignorant fucks…

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