All-Star Criminals

Florida Methwaffle Tells Cop To Google Methwaffle To Confirm His Identity, Also Has New Baby With Another Baby On The Way And No Job

Follow @TurtleboyNews on Twitter by clicking here

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Forever, the newest Turtleboy Sports page and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information.

If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:






Boy, oh boy. When this rolled into our inbox, I nearly jumped for joy!
You might remember Jacob Moses David Young, a.k.a the Florida Methwaffle from his insane campaign for the custody of a kid who wasn’t even his that lead to him being exposed as a registered sex offender. Or that time he tweeted at Trump and called Cyber Crimes on us.



Well, despite all logic and sense, he’s still at it, only worse. Because when you have a million kids and no job, what else are you going to do with your time aside from harassing everyone who knows better than you? What’s that, beat up your mom? He already did that…

Marline, the baby momma gave birth in November and is pregnant again. Can’t say I blame her, what are you supposed to do when you get your kid taken away? Get yourself right and get your kid back? No, obviously, you just have more. With a registered sex offender who seems to want your daughter more than you do. Duh.

Although, it is unclear if the new baby born is in fact Jacob’s. There seems to be some confusion as to whether the baby daddy is a dead guy (who either killed himself or overdosed, again no one is sure) but either way Jacob signed the birth certificate. What’s one more child to claim that isn’t yours when you’re already fighting for ALL the kids? And you’re a registered sex offender. I cannot state that enough, he’s a registered sex offender who is actively trying to gain custody of a little girl who isn’t his. He claims that the reason he should have custody is because Kyle Cutlip and his stepfather are molesting the little girl, yet there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary. Also, these claims were made by a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER and career criminal who’s face you see when you Google methwaffle. Not even kidding, in the first video at the 15 minute mark after being told by a police officer to go back to the car where they left their baby in the Florida heat, the Methwaffle tells the cop to look him up!

By all accounts, marline hasn’t see her daughter since this all began because doesn’t show up for visitation. On the rare occasion that she does, she tries bringing Jacob along, but for SOME REASON he’s not allowed to be there during visitation as per a court order. Sure seems like marline is choosing his womb broom over her fuck trophy. Nice.

She’s not the only world’s worst mother here, either. Jacob’s own mother is a super winner too!

He appears to have a type and that type is God awful slugpumps who are terrible mothers, much like his own. Ain’t she hawt?

What an enormous erection this chud is. And not an erection that makes you say “Gee, that’s a nice, big erection”. But the kind of erection that starts in the morning and follows you through your day at work. An annoying erection. That won’t go away.

And again, since he has no pesky job to get in the way, he has all day everyday to pester members of a group who support baby daddy Kyle Cutlip.



Something tells me that this won’t be the last we heard of The Florida Methwaffle. It never is.

Got anything good? Hit me up!

5 Comment(s)
  • Moneypenny
    August 18, 2020 at 12:39 am

    He is now living with a woman that is still married and has a child. He is extremely insecure, controlling and seems to have some sort of trance over this new victim. “Slugpumps that are bad mothers” seems to be pretty accurate – this current girlfriend left her husband and child to live in another county with this POS. What kind of a woman would find this lunatic attractive – a woman like this is unfit! Hopefully the child’s father requires that any time that poor kid has to spend with h”is slugpump’ mom s supervised! Is it the multiple tattoos (some of other women’s names), the Career Offender status he will hold for the rest of his life, the foul and classless language, the cigarette smoking, the “know-it-all” arrogance not normally seen in men that can’t stay out of the pin coupled with his previous posts begging to go back to prison for the structure, the domestic violence charge he has for beating his own mother (and drug-partner), the fact that finding a job will always be an obstacle because of his colorful background, his racist rants, his co-dependency issues…someone please warn that poor woman asap! And who names themselves Florida Methwaffle – he truly is a prime example of the decline in western civilization.

  • Crystal Burlison
    October 1, 2019 at 4:49 pm

    Ha I am the mother of ONE OF children.. Our child is 17 now… Y’all have no fucking clue .. Jacob is a MONSTER!!!!

  • Christopher Walken Home
    May 16, 2018 at 7:18 am

    What a jizz sponge. “They have this big court house and there’s no emergency custody lady on a Monday. We pay for this with our tax payer money!” Umm, okay big boy, this presumes you are actually paying fucking txes, right? In and out of jail, you’ve been a drain on the tax payer youself, wouldn’t that be correct? We are sure you are not laying shingle on a roofing job, which is probably under the table anyway, but not doing ti from jail, which you seem to be in constantly. Man,you must lick a really good carpet, not wure why Marlaina sticks around. I did her on a one-nighter, she was some prime real estate, got some great shaft throttling skills for sure. I wasn’t too impressed with the chain smoking though, IDK, maybe she doesn’t chain smoke when not smoking the Ice. In anycase, srop the tax payer thing dude, it makes you look foolish. I will give them this, since Kyle Cutlip can’t seem to piss a clean test to save his life, it does seem like it is time for Florida DCF to step in and make the decison that’s in the best interests for these kids. And for heaven’s sake, neuter these two numb nuts, it appears they will just keep spittin out kids until the junk falls off.

  • John Wypyszinski
    Herr Doktor
    May 15, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    This guy has this pervy meat gazer grin on his face like he was on his first trip to P-town… wanna bet he’s saving up to buy a shitbox van he can drive around with Uncle Jakey’s Free Frozen Treats spray painted on the side so he can quit working the men’s room at the truck stops… Jacob, dipshit, kiddie diddling is not a good career choice you freak.

  • Bill Nye
    May 15, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    Lower orders of humans are capable of both mitosis and limb regeneration. If methwaffle severed a finger not only would a new finger grow back in its place but the severed finger would also grow a new methwaffle. This explains many demographic phenomena including the rise of the left and general decline of western civilization.

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?