All-Star Criminals

Nashua Mom Asks For Turtle Help In Identifying A Mullet Ninja Wangsta Who Stole Her Son’s IPhone From Dick’s Sporting Goods

A mother in Nashua is asking the public for help in identifying some chud who stole her kids iPhone.

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You’ve got to love dumb criminals. They forget when they steal a phone the pictures they take of themselves usually end up on a cloud. So, that worked out to one kid’s advantage when he lost the iPhone he had saved up for himself.

Seems some Pikachud, who looks like an extra from Gran Torino, helped himself to it instead of turning it in like a decent citizen. What kind of a loser steals from a kid? Especially when he saved up for it all by himself. Probably one with nails like a cartoon witch and hair bigger than Delta Burke’s. Fuck this wad swallower.

Seems he saved a screenshot with some of his buddies tagged. That helps!

Mom is thinking The iPhone is gone… but I personally think she should file a police report and let him face charges for when we feed him his Turtleboy shame sandwich of identification.

Yeah, you’re really pretty for some kid in a pretend gang. Barf.

Do your thing Turtles!



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16 Comment(s)
  • Kate
    April 3, 2017 at 7:00 pm

    That is a very pretty Shim!!!

  • Cocomom
    April 3, 2017 at 10:53 am

    The middle finger selfie. Always with the middle finger..

  • paul
    April 3, 2017 at 8:23 am

    Why does a 7 year old have an IPhone. I feel bad for him getting it stolen but mom needs a slap

    • April 3, 2017 at 10:52 am

      It was a shitty old one that he used as an iPod. God forbid we have kids listening to music on devices these days. Haha

  • Charlie Chan
    April 3, 2017 at 7:53 am

    Interesting culprit, “Number Two Son” is on the case.

  • Mom's Basement
    April 3, 2017 at 7:45 am

    That’s the chick that does my toenails at the mall.

  • bird
    April 3, 2017 at 5:53 am

    He will make a nice prison bitch in the not too distant future.

  • ImNewHere
    April 2, 2017 at 11:01 pm

    Just curious as to why in one picture you can clearly see both arms sleeved in tattoos but absolutely none in the last photo. How long exactly has this clown been using that phone now or possibly there is more than one jerk who needs shaming.

    • Turd Burglestein
      April 3, 2017 at 7:18 am

      The mother’s post dated March 29th states this happened last May, so the theft occurred nearly a year ago which explains the tattoos or lack thereof on the pikachud’s arms. They’re just finding these pictures now because her kid just synced his new phone back to his cloud account.

  • John Barker
    April 2, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    Should be to easy to identify this upstanding love child of Jaromir Jagr. On a side note..I couldn’t use the landline @ 7 years old…

  • The Background Heckler
    April 2, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    Not much out there with those names and faces, except the ‘Book.

    Here you go:

    This is one of them:

    Can’t find much on Thai GRey (Thai Ghey?) except this dude…replete with flat-brimmed Bulls cap, of course!

    Here is Pee Jay…he’s probably into golden showers with his boyfriends:

    • Turd Burglestein
      April 3, 2017 at 7:23 am

      Sic ’em SSTG!!!

  • Dgaf
    April 2, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    It’s a seven year old with an iPhone. Taking candy from a baby

  • TransWangstah
    April 2, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    Are you sure that the petty theif is is a “he”?

    • Maggie the Cat
      April 3, 2017 at 6:06 am

      I agree. The biceps look like a guy, but the face looks like a girl.

      • Turd Burglestein
        April 3, 2017 at 7:21 am

        Looks like he’s wearing lipstick in some of those pictures too. He’ll be a popular one in jail so he better practice his duckface.

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