‘It Was Described As A War Zone,’ Prosecutor Says
I think what the Prosecutor meant to say was, “It looked like fucking Lynn” – but ‘war zone’ works, too.
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Source: The scene early Sunday morning on William Street in Stoneham was described by prosecutor Jason Lederman as “a war zone.” Stoneham police allege that Ryan T. Carney, 22, of Woburn, was driving drunk at 12:43 a.m. when he crashed his car resulting in four destroyed utility poles, a road closure and power outages.
Who would do such a thing? Such reckless, wanton abandon, complete disregard for the safety bubble that is Suburban life in Stoneham. Meet Ryan Carney:
With a name like Carney and having the balls to rock that oldschool Orlando Magic jersey, you just KNOW he smells like cabbage.
Poor Ryan had a hell of an evening Saturday into Sunday – he (quite literally) found himself between a rock and a hard place:
“Officers also found two males near a residential fence at the intersection of William Street and Alden Avenue. Nearby was a 2009 Acura MDX wedged between a damaged utility pole, a rock, and the fence. A wheel and tire had come off the vehicle and separated. They were located several feet away from the rest of the Acura. At least one other vehicle was damaged in the crash…” “Lederman said officials learned that Carney allegedly began drinking at 2 p.m., more than eight hours before the crash.”
They legit drank ‘til the wheels fell off! Bravo, Ryan, bra-fuckin-vo. This is why day drinking is generally frowned upon and why we can’t have nice things.
It seems like this is not the only instance in which Mr. Carney has been caught up by the fuzz for his affinity for shotgunning fermented beverages:
“The only charge listed on Carney’s record is a charge of under-aged person in possession of alcohol.”
I guess parents in the Northshore’s Woo do a bang up fuckin’ job of teaching their kids how to consume responsibly. And of course, if they’re gonna drink and drive, at least fuck shit up and make it worthwhile. A quick review of Ryan’s FB screams “I am already an alcoholic” with the majority of his posts and photos referencing alcohol, hangovers, and just general drinking douche-bauchery.
And of course, he affiliates himself with flat-brim-Chicago-Bulls-hat-wearing twatwaffles, because why wouldn’t he?
Looks like Mr. Douchecanoe Carney also has a bit o’ the shine, as he posted this little ditty a few days prior to his live-action ping pong game:
Aw, how cute! The FB data-collection quiz says that his ride or die, Jaclyn, will be his cellmate.
Side note: Why the fuck do people wear their hats like that? Is it because their inflated egos and grandiosity need room to emanate from their heads, and if the hat doesn’t allow for space between the head and the cap, they’ll explode? I dunno. Irks me though. Wear your goddamned hats the right way, people!
Lamentably for Romehoe and Juliwet, they don’t house males and females together in the clink; maybe they’ll be allowed some conjugals, tho. Here’s to hoping! Actually… not necessary. Since Ryan is such an upstanding citizen (read: middle-class white boy from Suburbia) he was released on personal recognizance, only being asked to abstain from alcohol, not drive, and submit to random alcohol screens. I’d put my week’s snack money on him peeing dirty.
Anyway, lemme get this straight: you get to terrorize a whole fucking neighborhood while the earthy, crunchy residents are all snug as little suburban bugs in organic cotton rugs, knock down not one, two, or three but FOUR giant utility poles, cutting power to the neighborhood so the frisky middle-aged hubbies and their wives cannot finish the porn they rented to ‘spice things up,’ cream all the soccer mom’s minivans so they can’t get little Apple and Moonpie off to practice in the morning, and you still get to go home to mommy? Holy fuck, did I grow up in the wrong town.
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