All-Star Criminals

Woburn Fuckknuckle Plays Ping Pong With His Acura Tearing Down Multiple Utility Poles in Drunk Driving Douchecapades Through Stoneham

‘It Was Described As A War Zone,’ Prosecutor Says

I think what the Prosecutor meant to say was, “It looked like fucking Lynn” – but ‘war zone’ works, too.

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Source: The scene early Sunday morning on William Street in Stoneham was described by prosecutor Jason Lederman as “a war zone.” Stoneham police allege that Ryan T. Carney, 22, of Woburn, was driving drunk at 12:43 a.m. when he crashed his car resulting in four destroyed utility poles, a road closure and power outages.

Carney1 Carney2

Who would do such a thing? Such reckless, wanton abandon, complete disregard for the safety bubble that is Suburban life in Stoneham. Meet Ryan Carney:


With a name like Carney and having the balls to rock that oldschool Orlando Magic jersey, you just KNOW he smells like cabbage.

Poor Ryan had a hell of an evening Saturday into Sunday – he (quite literally) found himself between a rock and a hard place:

“Officers also found two males near a residential fence at the intersection of William Street and Alden Avenue. Nearby was a 2009 Acura MDX wedged between a damaged utility pole, a rock, and the fence. A wheel and tire had come off the vehicle and separated. They were located several feet away from the rest of the Acura. At least one other vehicle was damaged in the crash…” “Lederman said officials learned that Carney allegedly began drinking at 2 p.m., more than eight hours before the crash.”

They legit drank ‘til the wheels fell off! Bravo, Ryan, bra-fuckin-vo. This is why day drinking is generally frowned upon and why we can’t have nice things.

It seems like this is not the only instance in which Mr. Carney has been caught up by the fuzz for his affinity for shotgunning fermented beverages:

“The only charge listed on Carney’s record is a charge of under-aged person in possession of alcohol.”

I guess parents in the Northshore’s Woo do a bang up fuckin’ job of teaching their kids how to consume responsibly. And of course, if they’re gonna drink and drive, at least fuck shit up and make it worthwhile. A quick review of Ryan’s FB screams “I am already an alcoholic” with the majority of his posts and photos referencing alcohol, hangovers, and just general drinking douche-bauchery.



And of course, he affiliates himself with flat-brim-Chicago-Bulls-hat-wearing twatwaffles, because why wouldn’t he?

Carney 6

Looks like Mr. Douchecanoe Carney also has a bit o’ the shine, as he posted this little ditty a few days prior to his live-action ping pong game:

Carney 7

Aw, how cute! The FB data-collection quiz says that his ride or die, Jaclyn, will be his cellmate.


Side note: Why the fuck do people wear their hats like that? Is it because their inflated egos and grandiosity need room to emanate from their heads, and if the hat doesn’t allow for space between the head and the cap, they’ll explode? I dunno. Irks me though. Wear your goddamned hats the right way, people!

Lamentably for Romehoe and Juliwet, they don’t house males and females together in the clink; maybe they’ll be allowed some conjugals, tho. Here’s to hoping! Actually… not necessary. Since Ryan is such an upstanding citizen (read: middle-class white boy from Suburbia) he was released on personal recognizance, only being asked to abstain from alcohol, not drive, and submit to random alcohol screens. I’d put my week’s snack money on him peeing dirty.

Anyway, lemme get this straight: you get to terrorize a whole fucking neighborhood while the earthy, crunchy residents are all snug as little suburban bugs in organic cotton rugs, knock down not one, two, or three but FOUR giant utility poles, cutting power to the neighborhood so the frisky middle-aged hubbies and their wives cannot finish the porn they rented to ‘spice things up,’  cream all the soccer mom’s minivans so they can’t get little Apple and Moonpie off to practice in the morning, and you still get to go home to mommy? Holy fuck, did I grow up in the wrong town.



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38 Comment(s)
  • Guess Who
    October 21, 2018 at 10:08 am

    Ryan Carney is still a dickless, Ruble drinking cock boi. He’s learned nothing from this. And he thinks I’m his friend. I’m nailing his gf

    • Clam Digger
      October 21, 2018 at 10:44 am

      Hows the pussy?

  • dave
    March 29, 2017 at 4:59 pm

    they have fat nose’s are they related.

  • Taylor Carney
    March 28, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    This is soo corny whoever made this is STUPID & has a little TO much time on their hands. “With a name like Carney” what is that suppose to mean? He does have a family like everyone else. People make mistakes but this is a little over doing it. Creepin up on his facebook, bringing his girl into it, and basically talking about his family.. SICK! Get a fucking life. People live & learn. Where was this post when in woburn a few months ago some girl drove drunk and injured and almost KILLED two people? I didnt see anything like this then.

    • True Reality Speaks
      True Reality Speaks
      March 28, 2017 at 8:18 pm

      From the looks of the damage your puke brother/cousin/son did to those light poles, he would have killed anyone he hit unless they were driving a f’ing tank. But because he didn’t actually kill anyone, that makes it less serious or just, “Oh well, what about the other guy”?

      JFC – what people will do or say to make themselves feel better or avoid shame or guilt, even if it’s by association.

      • The Shucker
        November 16, 2018 at 11:00 pm

        Everyone commenting on this is a pathetic piece of shit. People make mistakes but not many attempt to thrive of others mistakes. This is a group full of uneducated Trump supporting dumb fucks. It’s not our fault all of you grew up in Worcester with a mom who sucked dick for crack.

        • Mike Untstinks
          November 17, 2018 at 4:29 am

          What the fuck does Trump have to do with this you liberal cock sucking faggot!! The movie less than zero was based on you. Sucking cock for coke so you could do lines off guys dicks!! Now go fuck your dead aunt you fucking butt pirate!!

  • Mike Untstinks
    March 28, 2017 at 7:50 am

    Although kinda funny, Me thinks turtle boy is the actual douche bag.

    • Mike Untstinks
      March 28, 2017 at 9:10 am

      A big FUCK YOU to the 2 queers who voted me a thumbs down. Must have been turtle boys mother and dead aunt!

      • True Reality Speaks
        Dr. Phil
        March 28, 2017 at 8:10 pm

        You don’t get much attention at home, do you?

        • Mike Untstinks
          March 28, 2017 at 8:42 pm

          More than you get from your wife and kids who hate you.

  • Wabbitt
    March 27, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    Could the Orlando Magic throwback be the next ratchet uniform, supplanting the flat brim Bulls hat? STAY TUNED!

  • Tony
    March 27, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    This author is a fucking retard. I get busting the dudes balls, but this goes way to hard on the kid. Shitting on someone this hard does not make your writing clever.

    • True Reality Speaks
      True Reality Speaks
      March 28, 2017 at 8:08 pm

      If this is your definition of going hard on someone, you need to turn in your man card, cupcake. This is one of the tamest blogs of this type I think TBS has ever written.

      This rich puke driving around in Mommy’s Acura SUV caused a lot of grief & aggravation. He’s just lucky he didn’t kill or hurt some innocent bystander. Put his pussy ass in county for a month or two, then doing a year of community service with head trauma victims would do him and the rest of us a world of good.

      • Mike Untstinks
        March 28, 2017 at 8:40 pm

        Rich puke?? You are one stupid fucking idiot!1 this kid is far from rich you ball sucking ass clown!

      • Tony
        April 2, 2017 at 9:59 am

        Taking personal photos of him and his girlfriend off of facebook was poor taste. And the kid is not rich, and the old people in the town are not “earthy, and crunchy”.. I know a bunch of people that live on that street and it’s just middle class families, no yuppy bullshit. This article tries too hard, the writing isn’t clever and the author just makes shit up that’s not even true.

  • bigdaddy
    March 27, 2017 at 6:38 pm

    “It looked like fucking Lynn” or Webster or Fitchburg or Fall River or Ware There are so many to choose from

    • Mike Untstinks
      March 28, 2017 at 9:09 am

      You forgot Brockton, Roxbury, Lawrence and Taunton.

  • Turd Burglestein
    March 27, 2017 at 5:45 pm

    Me and Lillian broke out the model T down here in Tampa, Fla. We got our booze ready, I was drinking a Tom Collins, Lillian was drinking a Gin Rickey, and we were ready to do some drunk driving damage in old folks territory. But I had forgotten to put on my nut bra and consequently my nutsack got twisted in the steering column. The moral to the story: Don’t drink and drive!

    • Thug Banker
      March 27, 2017 at 6:07 pm

      That reminds me of something that happened to me not too long ago. I was headed back to my dealer to pick up another 20 piece crack rock and the tranny hooker I was currently with wanted to give me some road head. It was having a hard time finding my tiny penis so I reached down to see if I could help pull the little fella out and I sideswiped a cop car. Ended up spending the next 48 hours in lockup getting my asshole turned inside out, but….

      Damn……I forgot where I was going with this story, but I would say the lesson learned is…..ah who am I kidding? I didn’t learn a damn thing. But it was a fun experience.

      • Turd Burglestein
        March 27, 2017 at 6:18 pm

        Now look Thug Banker, you can stop with all the pretense. We all know who your little story is about. First off I didn’t know she was a tranny. I mean, I was certainly hoping she was packing a treetrunk between her legs but I couldn’t be certain. If she was a girly girl, I just would’ve changed my plans from erotic liaison to dumping a body in the swamp. Ha! Anyway, I gotta get back to cookin’ up some rock. Later!

        • Turd Burglestein
          March 27, 2017 at 6:39 pm

          Tell me more zep. I’m really interested in hearing all the details about what you think you know about me. You’re about the most gullible moron I’ve encountered online yet. You’re still running with that Lillian Izzary/Tampa connection???? BWAHAHAHAHA…you should call her up and ask her about Turd Burglestein. I’m sure she’ll be a wealth of information. Since you like googling addresses and convincing yourself you’ve successfully doxxed someone, here’s another one for you. Maybe this one will pan out a little better for you.

          1503 Carter Oaks Dr
          Valrico, Fl. 33596

          It’s right off Bloomingdale Ave, just outside of Brandon, Fl. It even has a 2 car garage just like my video showed. Much more likely to be my place than that little crackerbox piece of junk on Shady Tree Ct. I’m not joshing you either this time.

          • the real Turd Burglestein
            March 27, 2017 at 6:49 pm

            I’m not sure who the weirdo is posting my name with a picture of a toilet full of shit but I guess that picture tells you all you need to know about him. I am glad you rushed to give your comment a thumb’s up. You should like your own comment. Now you’ll excuse me while I re-adjust my nut bra.

      • BobnMic
        March 27, 2017 at 6:58 pm

        How many times do you reset your browser to keep hitting thumb’s up or down?

        • BobnMic
          March 27, 2017 at 7:03 pm

          No, really, keep going. Take another swig of Jack and keep hitting thumb’s up/down.

          • Zephyrcat's Chat Shack
            March 27, 2017 at 7:07 pm

            You’re turning out to be an even bigger schmuck than bobnmic ever was.

        • Zephyrcat's Chat Shack
          March 27, 2017 at 7:05 pm

          How many fake screen names are you going to use to make it look like different people are replying to you?

          • Kisses
            March 27, 2017 at 7:12 pm


  • Lt Dan
    March 27, 2017 at 5:34 pm

    Best local comparison to Woburn is Auburn. Good highway access, a shitty mall, and a bunch of fucking townies.

    • Mike Untstinks
      March 28, 2017 at 9:06 am

      Hey LT Dan, don’t be angry because we don’t support the LGBT movement!

  • Jealous
    March 27, 2017 at 4:32 pm

    More would-be clients for Vulva.

  • Gunny47
    March 27, 2017 at 3:58 pm

    12:43 AM isn’t day drinking. Just an annoying observation. Sorry.

    • English Teacher
      March 27, 2017 at 4:48 pm

      He started drinking at 2pm, reading is fundamental.

      • ElJefe72
        English Teacher's Teacher
        March 27, 2017 at 6:55 pm

        You need to use a period or a semicolon after 2 p.m., not a comma. Those are two complete and independent sentences.

  • Talisman
    March 27, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    You’re right Turtlebabe. After my local LE nightshift beat my ass for interrupting their 3am break with that Mt Shitload of paperwork, they would have found a way to make sure I was captive for 24-48 hours minimum.

  • TurtleBiach
    March 27, 2017 at 3:06 pm

    I use TBS articles like this as a parenting tool. I print them out & wallpaper my house as a “this will never be you”, “you will never be a douchenozzle”, “spelling is awesome” & “if you spell “loser” as “LOOSER” I will escort you to the door” to my almost adult kids.

    Who says TBS isn’t educational?

  • Joe
    March 27, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    That Tipsy Bartender looks really creepy!

  • Hanginpossum
    March 27, 2017 at 2:32 pm

    This trend of violence against poles has spread from Europe to the US.

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