Smiles And Sunshine

Vote For Who Should Advance In The Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Play-In Games

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Welcome to the start of 2018 Turtleboy Ratchet Madness. Today we start with our four play-in games for the 16 seeds. Each winner will advance to play the #1 seed in their respective region. Here are the brackets:

We will present the case for each ratchet in each matchup and provide you a link to a blog on that particular ratchet so that you can make an informed decision. Underneath each matchup you get to vote for which ratchet you believe should advance.


Palmer Pizza Boy vs. Worcester Juice Biscuits

Palmer Pizza Boy

  • Called a customer who was unhappy about getting her food an hour late and cold “plus sized”
  • Called former employee a junkie faggot on the business Facebook page
  • Claimed to not care about bad review because he’s “rich as fuck”
  • Claimed he didn’t have time to respond to posts he was already responding to because he was out at the club with his rich as fuck friends


Worcester Juice Biscuits

  • Posted videos driving with baby on father’s lap
  • Posted videos smoking blunts in bed with baby
  • Frequent usage of 100 emojis
  • Have a house full of WIC stuff they clearly are intending on selling
  • Maria Tascano has custody of one of her four children and Google trophies, which include prizes for assault and batter with a dangerous weapon, vandalizing property
  • She takes courthouse selfies during her frequent trips there
  • Jeremy Jack has Google trophies for assault and battery on a family member (her), violation of an abuse prevention order (on her), larceny over $250, and a whole bunch more



Milky Mike Gaffney vs. Tiana Trance

Milky Mike Gaffney

  • Is suing Turtleboy in actual, real court for costing him an election he had already dropped out of
  • Is demanding to know the identity of imaginary Attorney Richard N. Vulva in discovery
  • Used and supported Turtleboy as a weapon against his political enemies for years, and then whined about it when we did not endorse him in an election he had dropped out of
  • Claims Turtleboy made him fat, unable to sleep, and made him dizzy
  • Claims Turtleboy’s use of free speech in not endorsing him for an election he  dropped out of caused him a “multitude of emotional distresses, including shock, stress, sadness, anger, anxiety, anguish and depression”
  • Forced wife to videotape him doing squats in the basement, highlighting turtle-induced fatness
  • Forced wife to videotape him doing obnoxious “Cheers” Worcester
  • Claimed democrats were conspiring to make it seem like he was endorsing them in insane tinfoil Facebook rant because they quoted his own words announcing that he didn’t want people to vote for him
  • Moved to Florida but still writes “Worcester Independent Journal,” which is really just his continued rantings and ravings that no one reads anymore because he’s no longer relevant



Tiana Trance

  • Is a stripper from Spencer
  • Jumped in front of a plow hoping for a pay day
  • Started a GoFundMe when the plow scam didn’t work out
  • Claims to “take your man and send him back broke”
  • Claims your man will doink her AND pay her rent
  • Sends ass pics to the haters
  • Started “project AIDS” which is really just her doing makeup for trannies and giving Narcan to junky friends
  • Threatened Internet lawsuit and offered to have us “suck lady dick” of one of the people she takes care of
  • Sent us image of unknown stripper friend eating her lady bits
  • Claims she was beaten by herpes infested ex-boyfriend
  • Likely has the “disease”




Walter Bird vs. Attleboro Scissorsaurus

Walter Bird 

  • Michael Gaffney (who is now suing us) sent us a blog that he himself had written, about Worcester Magazine editor Walter Bird’s disturbing history of sexual harassment in the workplace
  • Referred to as a “predator” by more than one woman
  • Told woman he was doing a story on a project she was working on that she turned him on
  • Insinuated to woman that he was masturbating to her while in Belgium
  • Told woman he was working with that he that he wanted to see her in her underwear
  • Uses phrases like “rock the place” and “get our freak on” when referring to sexual intercourse he wanted to have during lunch break with woman he was writing a story about
  • Uses Worcester Magazine Facebook page to call everyone he doesn’t like “Aidan”

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Attleboro Scissorsaurus

  • Caught red-handed in Mansfield basement by home owner at 1 AM with suboxone and pills
  • Claimed she was looking for her cat
  • Blamed victims for beating her up
  • Messaged Turtleboy blaming home owner for “harassing” her for waring others about her experience
  • Uses dog filter
  • Caught by victim trying to rent an apartment after her arrest in Mansfield, falsely claiming to be married non-smokers
  • Wisely chose to sell storen merchandise on Facebook marketplace
  • Excels in the art of grundle smearing
  • Scissors with women who wear flat brimmed hats
  • Conducts impromptu bikini shoots on top of sinks at Attleboro YMCA
  • Didn’t show up for court, but claimed it was because of time zones and lack of sleep
  • Messaged Desk Girl demanding the blog come down, ended up flirting with her and expressing desire to scissor
  • Filled out “the form”



Salisbury Sea Cow vs. Dorchester Devil Child

Salisbury Sea Cow

  • Was arrested with cocaine, pills, a guy with a “never snitch” tattoo, and her 3 year old in the car
  • Frequent use of dog filter while uttering “free my boi”
  • Flagrant use of n word
  • Frequently lectures other DCF Moms about how to not lose their kids
  • Scissors with chicks who wear flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats
  • Two months after arrest with kid in car she started dating another Chicago Bulls hat winner, this time with a penis, who ended up getting arrested for stabbing a dude











Dorchester Devil Child

  • Boston teenager who literally filmed herself microwaving a turtle
  • After becoming famous she took to Facebook and told people, “IT’S A FUCKING TURTLE, GET OVER IT”
  • Bought Mom a bottle of Hennessy for mother’s day
  • Mom claims she would “kill a mother fucker” for her daughter




You have 24 hours to vote.



8 Comment(s)
  • Weebles wobble
    April 3, 2018 at 9:37 pm

    I voted for whoever has the biggest tits.

  • Pedojew
    April 3, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    Melican is missing from fupasloth category if anyone had one it’s her. She should write a poem about her fupa.

  • Clitty Litter
    April 3, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    This should be televised! Like American Idol.
    Pay Per View

  • The Vorlon
    The Vorlon
    April 3, 2018 at 2:27 pm

    This is like the Iran-Iraq was–could we arrange that both sides loose?

  • Hughbo Mont
    April 3, 2018 at 1:57 pm

    Why can’t we see the current poll results? Not that we don’t trust you, but it would be more “legit” if we could.

  • Jenna B.
    April 3, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    Ah Turtleboy Ratchet Madness,my favorite time of the year.

  • Walter "I never bottom out" Bird
    April 3, 2018 at 11:04 am

    I work at a very prestigious publication. And we don’t put up with sexual harassment. Cause we are liberals. That’s a important cause. Any broads wanna be my intern?

  • Fatty Fucker
    April 3, 2018 at 10:17 am

    We need updates on some of these ratchets. Salisbury Sea Cow, love that name! Indulge us TB!

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