Smiles And Sunshine

Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 2: Fupasloth Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To The Sweet 16

Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 2: Fupasloth Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To The Sweet 16

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Our first round of the first annual Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Tournament is completed. We’re down to the 32 most ratchet characters to ever appear in Turtleboy blogs. One by one they shall be eliminated until we crown a King or Queen Ratchet. We will be going region by region and letting you vote on who you think should advance, starting with the Fupasloth Region:

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As usual we will be providing a brief overview of the ratchet things these dumpsterslugs did to make it this far. We also include a link to a blog on each of them if you’d like to make a more informed decision. With that said, here’s our four matchups for today…..

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16. Kevin Lynch vs. 8. Trigglypuff

Tough one. They’re both such gigantic wastes of space. On the one hand, Lynch is a convicted murderer who refuses to shovel his sidewalk, threatens massive civil lawsuits like it’s going out of style, mass reports Facebook pages for fun, gets arrested for attacking cops, and may or may not have been involved in the disappearance of Jeremiah Oliver. On the other hand, Triggly is a lardo – the likes of which we’ve never seen before – who squats on people’s couches, posts half naked pictures of herself on Tinder, and likes to make a spectacle of herself by shouting at people she doesn’t agree with.

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4. Erika Murray vs. 12. Sammie Holland

Completely different kinds of ratchet here. Erika Murray carried on as a normal mother on Facebook, but in reality she had 3 dead babies in her house that she didn’t tell anyone about, and was forcing her children to live in filth, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Sammie Holland was the opposite. She was ratchet for the world to see, posting videos of her taunting her own son who she apparently only feed McDonald’s, starting imaginary raffles to raise money for her allegedly sick son (who was no longer in the hospital), and spamming her bogus GoFundMe’s all over every Facebook yard sale page and then using the proceeds to buy a new car.

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Erika Murray

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3. Kelly Scamerico vs. 11. Amanda Lacroix

These keep getting harder and harder. Kelly Scamerico has started more bogus GoFundMe’s than we’ve ever seen. She is a fat slob from Weymouth, and possibly one of the most foul mouthed troglodytes you have ever seen. She is a legend on the South Shore, leaving a trail of destruction and scams wherever she goes. Meanwhile, Amanda Lacroix, one of Southbridge’s finest, was arrested because her kids were found wandering the streets covered in feces while she and her fuck buddy got high. She also lost a baby due to neglect, started GoFundMe’s for essential things like getting her loser boyfriend a new car, and then faked her own suicide by making her boyfriend post that she was dead on Facebook.

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10. Natick Dumpsterslug vs. 2. Joe Amoroso

Very different type of ratchets here. The Natick Dumpsterslug is so disgusting and vile that you can’t help but laugh at her. She sells food stamps and her kid’s WIC formula for heroin money on Facebook yard sale pages. She messages random turtle riders with racial slurs if they comment on our posts. She starts GoFundMe’s for her imaginary wedding dress in her imaginary wedding to her boyfriend who was just arrested by the feds in Michigan, and she claims she used to be a stripper before wearing pajama pants 24/7. Joe Amoroso is not as humorous. He’s just 1,000% asshole. A junkie for life who claims (without any proof) that he is the father of deceased Jane Doe, Bella Bond, because he was one of 5,000 dudes to bang Bella’s crackhead mother in a tent at Occupy Wall Street. He never met her, but after she died he milked the fame and pretended to be a loving father, even going so far as to put his last name on her headstone. Of course he also profited off her death with GoFundMe scams, and has been arrested for shoplifting multiple times since then, while still playing the “I’m Bella Bond’s Dad” card in a vain attempt to have the charges dropped.

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It’s only gonna get harder from here folks. You have 24 hours to vote before we announce the winners and begin voting in the Cheesehog region. Who’s gonna win this whole thing?



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3 Comment(s)
  • Lola Bunny
    April 5, 2017 at 9:42 pm

    My dream is to wear pajama pants 24/7. Every once in a blue moon I get a “pajama day” and it’s pure heaven. So I guess I’m working my 2 jobs yet actually aspiring to be a ratchet? If only I had no pride or ambition and was ok with living in filth while begging others for money and scamming people.

  • Turtlehead
    Your name here*
    April 5, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    Not fer nuffin but there’s really no bigger shitbags than Joel. I mean seriously, he is everything you can hate in a person.

  • Biclops
    April 5, 2017 at 12:18 pm

    Turtleboy has been call irresponsible before (and much worse, I might add), but this time I must put my complaint on record. To publish that picture of Trigglypuff on your homepage where all unsuspecting fans are subjected to it without warning is truly reckless. As has been said many times before, some things cannot be “unseen”.

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