Smiles And Sunshine

Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 2: Fupasloth Region

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We’re down to 32 ratchets competing for the crown of King or Queen Ratchet for Turtleboy Ratchet Madness 2018. Time to start voting for who should advance to the Sweet 16. We’ll start with our four matchups in the Fupasloth region…..

These are gonna be tough, so we’re gonna link relevant blogs for each ratchet, and give you some of their ratchtacular highlights so that you can make an informed decision. Oh, and for you rabid SJWs who can’t stop reading Turtleboy and think “ratchet” and “hoodrats” are racist dog whistles, you may notice that of the 8 ratchets in this bracket we’ve got zero black people, 6 wypipo, 1 Latino, and a yogapoon. Kind of kills your narrative huh?

1. Alli Bibaud vs. 9. Bellingham Porridge Receptacle

Alli Bibaud

  • Has the “disease”
  • Got gigs as a toll booth worker where she filmed herself repeatedly, all fucked up taking people’s money
  • Frequently uses phrases like “money, cash, hoes”
  • Records herself driving around all fucked up
  • Got arrested for driving around all jammed with a bunch of heroin on her on I-190
  • Asked arresting trooper if he knew how many guys she had to blow to get that heroin (still undetermined)
  • Offered sexual favors in return for leniency
  • Mentioned her father during arrest, who is a judge in Dudley
  • Set off a chain of events that led to the resignation of four of the highest ranking members of the Massachusetts State Police, as well as an investigation by the Attorney General’s Office





Bellingham Porridge Receptacle

  • Long and documented history of being one of the most vicious and vile trolls on the Internet
  • After 4 year old boy was hit and killed by car in Milford she posted, “Who cares, one less illegal. No sympathy.”
  • Claims immigrants all haul rice and make mud pits for volleyball
  • Says she would sue her kid’s school if her son had to be in class with an autistic child
  • Attacked a deaf woman on Facebook for not being able to hear
  • Called deaf woman a retarded twatwaffle
  • Messages anyone who comments on blogs about her saying, “Fuck you illegal” and “cunt”
  • Has threatened multiple websites who have blogged about her, alleging Internet lawsuits for screenshotting the things she put on Facebook






12. Florida Methwaffle vs. 4. Dartmouth Yogapoon

Florida Methwaffle

  • Made video at Tampa courthouse that went viral, alleging that they were not protecting his girlfriend’s baby daddy from sexual assault at the hands of the child’s father and paternal grandfather
  • Started GoFundMe after video went viral for “justice for Emma”
  • Got millions of idiots to support him
  • Started hitting on strange women who were supporting him
  • Forgot to mention that his girlfriend has no custodial rights, is pregnant again, and recently was filmed causing a huge scene in front of baby daddy’s house during visitation gone wrong
  • Forgot to mention that he has dozens of arrests for violent offenses and has spent time in jail
  • Forgot to mention that he has been arrested for failing to register as a sex offender
  • Claims mugshots and arrest records were photoshopped by the child’s father
  • Claims girlfriend didn’t abuse child, just “soft penetration.”
  • Posted about how much he hates n words
  • Attempted to retain the services of attorney Richard N. Vulva
  • Called FBI, cyber crimes, and tweeted at President Trump to intervene after becoming Turtleboy famous
  • Filmed himself getting kicked out of Sheriff Grady Jarrett’s office after they didn’t investigate his insanity
  • Got arrested after threatening to murder girl’s baby daddy on Facebook


Dartmouth Yogapoon

  • Bootleg south coast Kardashian
  • Runs a bootleg New Bedford yoga studio that resembles a sweatshop and almost definitely violates fire codes
  • Dates a 70 year old multi millionaire who owns half the south shore (including building her yoga studio is in) and has done time in federal prison for tax evasion
  • Threatens to sue anyone who bad mouths her bootleg business
  • Frequently calls clients “bitches” during class
  • Practices buti yoga in her studio, which they have no certification for, after competitor across the street began offering buti yoga
  • Drives around in Porsches, wears mostly Gucci, dresses like a ghettofabulous gypsy
  • Claimed that inability to teach buti yoga was a racial attack on her and her Cape Verdean instructors
  • Criticizes white women who owned other yoga studio for cultural appropriation, because yoga is not for white people to teach
  • Films herself shopping for clothes while drinking wine, and then discarding empty wine glass on floor
  • Films herself in bathing suit while shooting gun that fires out $20 bills, thus making it rain
  • Yelp reviews are a hilarious dumpster fire
  • Caught on video barging into competitor’s business across the street, acting ratchet as usual and causing a scene
  • Handed out hundreds of gift certificates for free classes, and then refused to honor them because business was losing money




3. Norwood Spunktrumpet vs. 11. Kyle “Pure” Kennedy

Norwood Spunktrumpet

  • Gets in Facebook fights with pretty much everyone
  • Called black woman “crispy ass hoe” and threatened to fight her, despite being 7 months pregnant
  • Claimed that black people act so tough because of the “nasty color of there (sic) skin”
  • Isn’t racist because, a) her friend is black, and b) she changed her Facebook filter to “I stand against racism”
  • Wears “the hat”
  • Claims to be rich and has wealthy business owning father who also happens to be a police detective
  • Claims to have been “kind of a big deal” at Norwood High School
  • Came onto Turtleboy Live with epic ratchet performance
  • Later claimed it was not her on live, and that her account had been hacked
  • Told deskie that she hopes Turtleboy’s kids get tortured and wife gets gangbanged in front of him



Kyle “Pure” Kennedy

  • Ghettofabulous Uxbridge hoodrat incarcerated for armed robbery
  • Frequently posts racial and sexual slurs on Facebook
  • Claims cops can’t get him, even though he’s in jail
  • Usually wears flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats when not incarcerated
  • Is friends with legendary Turtleboy ratchet Gabbi Hebert
  • Claims to be “stackin cheese while other n words hungry”
  • Likely was Aaron Hernandez prison boyfriend in Shirley
  • Aaron Hernandez left note for him after suicide that lawyer wants turned over
  • Wants $50,000 watch that Aaron Hernandez promised him before killing himself
  • Once legally sold his soul in juvey to another individual from Woonsocket
  • Frequently poses in ambiguously gay, homoerotic poses with shirtless, heavily tattooed hoodrat friends

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7. Lowell Beaver Bumper vs. 2. Dianne Kelly

Lowell Beaver Bumper

  • Killed a dude in broad daylight in the middle of traffic and went home and bragged about it on Facebook
  • Career criminal who has been arrested several times for drugs and gun violations
  • Despite displaying tons of cash she also displays her EBT balance on IG
  • Was featured by the Lowell Sun in an anti-violence video
  • Father came on her Facebook page threatening to murder the families of turtle riders laughing at her

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Dianne Kelly

  • Has absolutely no business opening up any sort of business but did so anyway with PURR Cat Cafe
  • Conditions that are unlivable for the cats in the basement and she does almost nothing to fix it
  • Claimed she would be getting cats from local rescue but never worked that out with them
  • We have no cats Kathleen
  • Called Kathleen a slut multiple times using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Spoke in third person as her cats using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Rescue organizations refuse to donate cats to her “non profit” because of this
  • Dianne publicly defames the rescue organization
  • Dianne never pays several “employees”
  • Posted pictures of kittens from Arizona on Facebook and pretended she had cats now
  • Passive-aggressively calls out all the haters using PURR’s Facebook page
  • Occasionally a sane person takes over the page and attempts to rebuild all the good will that Dianne has destroyed during her drunken trips to the keyboard
  • Dianne attempts to show that the business is legit by allowing people to live stream an open house, but it goes terribly when conditions are revealed to be deplorable
  • Dianne partners with an openly anti-semitic man who messages anyone badmouthing the cafe privately and says mean things to them
  • The opening date kept getting pushed back further and further and further, and those who had donated to her fundraiser never got their money back
  • Meow. Meow. Purr.
  • Cat Cafe finally opens up and police respond to call, finding her passed out drunk in bathroom next to bottle of wine and cat medication
  • Employee claims cats are missing and likely dead


You have 24 hours to vote.

7 Comment(s)
  • Chip Striker
    April 12, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    I just can’t wait until the Fupa Four is announced!!

  • Livesinlowell
    April 12, 2018 at 11:08 am

    Very tough bracket to vote on.

  • Chip Striker
    April 12, 2018 at 9:41 am

    This comes down to a Bibaud vs Kennedy final, winner of that will certainly go against Didi.

    Tough decisions here, stiff competition.

  • BPA
    April 12, 2018 at 6:21 am

    Oh man I think some of my favorites are not going to make it to the next round. While Bibaud bugs the crap out of me (and probably should win), I was really rooting for BPR to win the entire thing ! She’s a disgusting person inside and out.

    • Dont Fuck WIth Me
      April 19, 2018 at 3:26 pm

      hey go fuck your mother

  • KingAKcrab
    April 12, 2018 at 12:07 am

    Sorry, big time Sorry — I can’t vote. I mean I can’t. I’m sorry.
    There’s a reason sometimes judges have to “recuse” themselves.
    And It’s not exactly like I have conflict-of-interest or anything.
    It’s just that I think it’s unfair to have to choose between
    Allie (who has to be funner than shit with a B on drugs) and the
    Yoga babe (who has to be funner than shit) with wild positions
    I hereby recuse myself, and I have a nice baked trout in the
    fridge (that I stuffed with lemon, butter & parsley)…
    Sorry, I’m out.

    • Jewoven
      April 12, 2018 at 1:26 am

      I can’t vote either the biggest fupa sloth Melican didn’t even make it talk about a fat fuck. Was glad last year the Jew/gypsie oven dwellers won.

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