It’s time for the first round of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness 2019 to begin. We’ll be starting with matchups in the Fupasloth Region. For each matchup we will present to you a bulleted list of each candidates most ratchet accomplishments, along with links to relevant blogs about them. After each ratchet has had the case made for them you can vote in the corresponding poll. You have 24 hours to vote, winners advance to the next round.

 

Greg Bates vs. Toast Malone

1. Greg Bates

• Uses a Facebook page with 35,000 followers as a weapon to extort cash, gift cards, and free food from legitimate restaurants all over the North Shore
• Lied repeatedly about not demanding money from local businesses for promotion on his page
• Trashes any business with fraudulent reviews if they don’t pay him
• Uses gift cards on himself often instead of giving them to followers
• Holds “raffles” in which fake accounts that he owns often win the raffles
• Claimed to have raised over $200,000 for an autism charity, but gave barely over $10,000
• Owes tends of thousands of dollars in child support and once went to jail for not paying
• Told his kids he was going to commit suicide to get back at his wife after she left him
• Pretended to be injured in order to try to collect disability from UPS
• Falsely maligned a Peabody Police Officer and used his name to threaten a former advertiser who stopped advertising with him
• Claimed that TD Bank was extorting him because he wanted to cash a check there and was not a customer
• Stated in his divorce settlement that since his wife will no longer provide him with sex he has no choice but to purchase it, presumably from hookers
• Once came into a restaurant minutes before closing with some buddies, used $300 worth of gift cards given to him that he was supposed to give away, tipped the waitress less than 5%
• Used a gift card he was supposed to give away to purchase a toilet for huge dumps
• Once lied and pretended his mother was dead for financial gain

 

 

16. Toast Malone

• Stole a tag off of a police car in Connecticut, posted it on Facebook with #Fuck12 hashtag, and proceeded to get roasted by a well known comedian cop on Facebook who named him Toast Malone
• Ratchet girlfriend called the cop a “retarded fucking cop” in Facebook post that made him look more ratchet
• Mocked murdered police officer on Facebook post
• Whined about cop who roasted him being unprofessional
• Once killed 7 cats

 

 

 

Dindu Nuffin Dante vs. Stretchmarks Sanchez

8. Dindu Nuffin Dante

• Claimed to have found a fully functioning dead man’s cell phone 12 days after he went missing, despite being covered in snow and left outside
• Just so happens to sell stolen cell phones on Facebook for a living
• Didn’t know Dante, but photographed himself looking for the phone in the dark and bragged about it on Facebook
• Claims that God directed him towards the fun but also says he’s not religious
• Did the greatest 30 minute interview in the history of self-incriminating interviews
• Threatened to sue us for blogging about his suspicious behavior
• Despite claims to be a religious and loving father, says really ratchet things about his baby momma, threatens to kill Trump,

 

9. Stretchmarks Sanchez

• Asked the Brockton Hub to donate clothes to her for her kid days before school started
• Coincidentally sells used clothes all over Facebook marketplace
• Claims she’s independent, yet begs for free stuff
• Turned out it’s not even her kid, or her niece – just a friend’s kid
• Asked that all donations go to her Cash App
• Replied to critics in ratchtastic sentagraphs
• Has a son who is a rapper and she promotes his albums
• Blames son’s teachers for disciplining him despite out of control behavior
• Illegally wiretapped a lawyer giving her a free consult while asking him if she could sue Turtleboy for deformation

 

 

 

Fleestone Light vs. Mark Prince

4. Fleestone Light

• Killed a woman during a hit and run in 2010
• Fled her arraignment after asking to smoke a cigarette and went to jail for a few years
• Came out and popped out multiple crotch fruits while pretending to have found God and gotten clean
• Had warrants out for her arrest this summer after being pulled over without a license and giving cops a fake name
• While out on bail and pregnant she began soliciting for free clothing and donations that she could sell for drug money
• While 8 months pregnant and as a wanted fugitive she was seen on meth mile in Boston doing a zombie junkie jam before finally being apprehended

 

 

 

13. Mark Prince

• Asked a woman out on a date, went to a bar in Webster, hit on the bartender, dipped on the check leaving his date to deal with it
• Sold crack but claims it was a setup by the cops
• Went to jail for being a drug dealer and the Telegram wrote a puff piece on his redemption story afterwards
• Threatened to sue us for deformation
• Claimed it was a misunderstanding and he was going to repay the balance, but failed to do so after several weeks
• Is a pathological liar, the likes of which we’ve never seen
• Multiple women began coming forward alleging similar stories about being used by him for money
• Is estranged from his daughter, who he abandoned and never paid child support for
• Daughter messaged to add to the blog and let us know how ratchet and terrible he is

 

 

 

War-wack Queenhog Leprechaun vs. Asland State Park Porridge Pumper

5. War-wack Queenhog Leprechaun

• Went to Twin River to bet on the Patriots and unleashed a racist tirade against some teenagers who she accused of being Brazilians from Me-he-co
• Pronounces Warwick “War-wack”
• Claimed the verbal attack was OK because the she’s a teacher and doesn’t get paid to deal with crap from kids
• Was fired from job as a teacher after video went viral
• Blamed the mother of the teens she berated for not raising her kids right
• Further video emerged of her berating and attacking some chick in a truck

 

 

12. Asland State Park Porridge Pumper

• Former Holliston teacher who now is a BBC porn star
• Filmed herself getting pounded by “Big Max” in Ashland State Park
• Once made a porn titled, “Parent Teacher Conference”

 

 

 

Hurricane Beefaroni vs. Fall River Fupa Fungal

3. Hurricane Beefaroni

• Became very upset after someone parked a truck in front of her parent’s house in Bristol
• In one of the greatest videos of all time she had to be held back by her mother while trying to assault the owner of the truck
• Knocked her mother down repeatedly and had to have her pajama clad stepfather come out and hogtie her
• Threw a glass bottle at the brand new truck, nearly hitting her mother who was lying down on the ground defeated by life
• Went online and made a video claiming that anyone’s mother who tried fucking with her was “getting bodied”
• Was taken away by the Bristol PD in a spit mask because she kept spitting on them

LMAOOOO pornhub title: Bodied girl has fun with spit mask pic.twitter.com/NcYYdTwFN9

— Snackie Chan~* (@xoheej) August 10, 2018

Yes. The full video is like 8 min long and the most unreal shit. pic.twitter.com/ZcgnLOkoMV

— Snackie Chan~* (@xoheej) August 10, 2018

 

 

 

14. Fall River Fupa Fungal

• Went to a restaurant in Fall River and pulled a chew and screw
• Got called out on it on Facebook, tried to claim her innocence, and was proven with evidence to be guilty by the owner
• Turned out the guy she was with was her ex-boyfriend
• She was cheating on her cross eyed, criminal boyfriend, who had to find out about it on Facebook

 

 

 

 

 

Momma Thundertwat vs. Boston Hit and Run Houdini

6. Momma Thundertwat

• Went viral in video at grocery store repeatedly calling women the n word in front of her kids and spitting on them
• Afterwards she called the wrong police department after pretending to be the victim
• After reaching the correct police department she admitted to calling this woman the n word and spitting on her, still said she was the victim, and repeatedly used racial slurs to justify her behavior
• Demanded the cops from a neighboring town come to her house after she refused to go back to the store
• Demanded a white cop speak with her
• Turned out to work for a neighboring school department and was promptly fired

 

 

 

11. Boston Hit and Run Houdini

• Hit and killed a man in Boston and didn’t stop
• When the news found out where he lived he did an incriminating interview, admitted to killing the man, and claimed that lots of people hit and run all the time
• Said that he’s a gangsta, but a good gangsta
• Previously assaulted his mailman who defended himself against his aggressive dog
• Plans to be a rich and famous rapper
• Makes movies showing himself “chillin”
• Frequently posts about how racist society is oppressing him, along with choice words for the police and FBI
• Ironically calls police cowards

 

 

 

Attleboro Foreskin Cowboy vs. Juicy Jasiel Correia

7. Attleboro Foreskin Cowboy

• Posted on Attlebore Facebook group looking for clothing, and has done this many times in the past
• Also sells clothing on Facebook, but denied doing so
• Demands that people who donate clothing to her come to her, because she has no car, but also claims she’s getting two cars next month
• Has a boyfriend who should be able to help her out, but he’s obviously a deadbeat loser too
• Demands that anyone who question her scam be banned from the Facebook group
• Upon being questioned she launched into a classic CAPS LOCK rant, accusing other people of being CUNTBAGS and other assorted titles
• Can’t seem to keep a job for more than 2-3 months, and can’t find employment because she’s worked pretty much everywhere

 

 

 

10. Juicy Jasiel Correia

• Mayor of Fall River, arrested by feds on multiple felony charges
• Stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from investors for an app that never came to fruition, spending it on lap dances, fancy suits, and other hoodrat stuff
• Taunted people attempting to recall him, then accused them of hacking into his account
• Accidentally posted proof that he has a Tinder account, despite having a smoking hot girlfriend who he spent investor’s money on
• Held an insane conference in which he brought his ratchet Port-a-gee cult members, who accused the police and reporters of being fake news
• Refused to resign, got recalled, but stayed in office anyway because Fall River is a fucked up cesspool of nonsense

 

 

 

 

Franklin Smollett vs. Maia Brown-Jackson

2. Franklin Smollett

• Brought his aggressive and un-neutuered pitbulls to an Attleboro dog park where they humped a woman’s dog repeatedly
• Stayed in car while this was happening, and only came out to berate and film the woman who asked him to get his dogs off of her’s
• Posted video everywhere, claimed she’s a racist without evidence
• Came on our show and embarrassed himself after lecturing us about white privilege
• Has open case for felony domestic assault against him
• Blames the victim of his assault, who he is not allowed to contact but does anyway
• Messaged family members of the assault victim calling the victim a ho and other choice words
• The victim was his girlfriend and a junkie stripper who he supplies with drugs
• Filmed himself bringing another junkie to Providence to confront and beat her in the streets for stealing drugs from him
• Associates openly with violent felons
• Was arrested days after being exposed by us for drug dealing
• Was supposed to go on Inside Edition but it was cancelled after we alerted them of his true character, he blamed this on white privilege

 

 

 

15. Maia Brown-Jackson

• Went on a date with a guy she met online in Somerville, and he proceeded to urinate on a veteran’s memorial
• She said nothing and continued on with the date
• Turns out she’s a radical feminist who holds signs saying “fuck your patriarchal bullshit”

 

 

You have 24 hours to vote.

 

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