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  • Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Chudstuffer Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To Next Round

    Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Chudstuffer Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To Next Round

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    The voting is completed for the first round matchups in the Cheesehog region of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness. Here’s who will be advancing to the round of 32:

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    Very surprised to see Alexis Aslanian go down. Not that going down is something new for her, but going down in the first round? That chick is mad ratchet!!  I thought she was the biggest hardo on Water Street. Guess she doesn’t compare to Brockton ratchets. Besides that I don’t think there were any real upsets, and to me this is the hardest region to figure out who’s gonna win. So many touch choices.

    Up next is the Chudstuffer Region. Here’s the bracket:

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    As usual, we’ll give you a quick preview of each of the accomplishments that got these ratchets in the tournament in the first place. A link to a blog about each one will be included in their name. Vote for who should advance after each one.


    Uxbridge Gypsy Church

    Driveway paving gypsies with F rating from BBB start a church in their home, turns into a cult, only allow teenage girls in, get in standoff with Uxbridge PD, do hilarious exorcisms on video, have their groupies hump truck outside of courthouse.

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    Laughlin Kennel – Puppy mill run by ratchets.




    Tony Deyoung

    Hardcore rapper from New Hampshire. Says he was going to make a Turtleboy diss track. Still waiting. Does what he wants, when he wants.



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    Kalin Rahim

    Worcester ratchet calls on Worcester gangsters to assassinate Donald Trump when he visited Worcester. Gets fired from job. Calls cops on Turtleboy for getting fired from job.






    Baby Gangsta

    Bad ass from Braintree arrested for stabbing a dude at a Celtics game. Turns out his street name is Baby Gangsta, and he has many flat brimmed hat friends who came to court to defend his honor.

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    West Warwick Ginger family

    West Warwick ginger has warrant for assaulting a cop. Dad goes on West Warwick Facebook page and uses racial slurs while threatening to kill West Warwick cops. Also posts hilarious things to baby momma.

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    Sarah Burke webcam mom

    Dedham mother uses personal Facebook page, with pics of children, to solicit strange men who will pay her money to take her clothes off on camera. Loses her mind when Turtleboy blogs about her.

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    Kevin Blackmer – Street sweeper

    Ware wangsta expresses joy over 49 gay people being massacred in Orlando. Says he’ll kill lots of people. Turns out to be a cross dressing snitch, with alias of “street sweeper.”



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    Celia Mcauliffe

    Mother of Northbridge student caught on video jumping another student. Goes on Facebook threatening teenagers from all over. Hires Dick N. Vulva to sue Turtleboy. Hires hitman to break Turtleboy’s knees.

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    Palmer Junkie

    Vietnam Vet lets junkie move into his house. Ends up robbing him several times, trashes the place, pokes holes in screen window so he can come back and rob him again.




    Heather Philip

    Sperm sponge baby momma of cop killer Jorge Zambrano. Arrested several months later for drug dealing with child in house.


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    Mark Leblanc

    Leominster bad ass on most wanted list who taunts the police on their own Facebook page and posts jail selfies online.





    Aleah Talbot

    Woman famous for being arrested so many times on drug charges and once appeared on Jerry Springer show, mocks other people who were arrested for similar crimes.

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    Greenfield Chud Magnet

    Greenfield slugrake sells food stamps online at 31%, despite many drug arrests and plenty of iPhones.

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    Entire shitbag town on Vermont border declares war on Turtleboy after blog about how shitty their town is. Write hilarious things on Facebook reiterating that they are in fact a backward town full of ratchets.

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    Robert Alston

    Gangsta deadbeat dad and son of Mosaic CEO Brenda Jenkins, collecting Mosaic checks from taxpayers for work he never did, announces to the world on Facebook that black people should play off of “white guilt” in order to get more taxpayer money, leading to downfall of Mosaic.



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    More tough choices. You have 24 hours to vote before we move on to the Trap Queen region.



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    1. wabbitt

      Colrain is going to the Fucked Up Four. I’m calling it now.

      1. On the take

        Heather comes out of this round. Anything associated with this family is far more Rachet than anything else. The cop killer, the pitbull, the all around scams, the fishy connections. Numero uno, senior.

    2. Flat Brimmed Turtle

      No real losers in the Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Tournament!!!

      1. Bums Are Us

        Just where IS ole Robert workin’ these days?

    3. FatFingr Lou

      Walking in Colrain

      Nobody walks in Colrain

      1. wabbitt


    4. Ryan

      The dude standing next to Ratchet Jesus in the first pic looks kinda like Julian from Trailer Park Boys.

    5. Third Leg (trypod69)

      Psychopaths BobnMic & Fiesty should be on here as well. They provided more ratchet drama in the comment section than all these ratchets combined! Truly a case of art imitating life!!!

      1. Marie Guilmette's Weasened Whiskerbiscuit

        If they add me to that bracket I’d easily win this contest.

      2. True Reality Speaks

        If you like middle school boys with multiple screen names talking to themselves online – then yeah, ok.

        Toughest matchups so far in the Tournament. Some older stories vs new. We’ll see whether long time readers win out over the band wagoners.

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