Smiles And Sunshine

Ratchet Madness Round 1: Vote For Which 8 Ratchets Should Advance In The Cheesehog Region




The first round of voting for Ratchet Madness 2019 in the Fupasloth region is completed. Here are the 8 ratchet who will be advancing to the round of 32.

The only somewhat surprising result was the elimination of Momma Thundertwat at the hand of hit and run Houdini.

But we’re onto the cheesehog region now. As usual we will be giving you the major ratchet points for each candidate and you can vote for who you think should advance immediately afterwards. You have 24 hours to let your voice be heard.



1. Maude the Fraud  vs. 16. Candy Dennis

1. Maude the Fraud

  • Lied about being raped as a 13 year old in order to win a beauty contest
  • Lied about having cancer in high school because she didn’t want to be one-upped by a sick girl who was getting more attention than her
  • Got caught cheating in multiple ultra-marathons after posting about her victories on Instagram for likes
  • Made national news when she pretended to be offended by a harmless #MeToo Dad joke at a pageant that she had already lost, throwing her sash in the trash in a dramatic look at me moment
  • Pretended to be a student at Brown
  • Made her grandmother’s death all about her
  • Dropped out of high school and ended up going to bootleg online school where she was the commencement speaker for a graduation of 8 kids
  • Pretended to be suicidal for attention multiple times, and even went to the Sagamore Bridge and took pictures pretending like she was contemplating jumping off





16. Candy Dennis

Candy Dennis

  • Ran the most dysfunctional business in the history of mankind out of Beverly, which shut down just weeks after she was exposed on Turtleboy
  • Pretended to have a life threatening illness in order to raise money to go on extravagant trips to Disney World, New York and other places
  • Used her company’s business page to promote the GoFundMe scam
  • Once messaged a child whose parents left her dance studio at 3 in the morning to inform her that she could no longer play with her daughter
  • Practices massage out of her dance studio without property licensing
  • Pretended to be a dancing star who worked on Dancing with the Stars to attract clients
  • Pretended to have a scholarship program for students, but it was really just a slight discount on classes at her dance studio
  • Claimed to give out dozens of scholarships but couldn’t name anyone who got one
  • Threatened to sue Turtleboy Sports for deformation but never did
  • Believed her business would thrive because her medium told her it would





8. Crack Fien Barbie vs. 9. Hyannis Hog Gobbler

8. Crack Fien Barbie

  • Got knocked up by someone who’s probably named Shane
  • Abandoned her child to date gangsta drug dealer who likely calls her “Bitch, get in the car”
  • Was caught selling drugs with her new boyfriend and defended his honor vociferously on the Manchester police’s Facebook page, alleging racism
  • Bragged about how smart she was because she has 3 scholarships
  • Seems to hang out exclusively with crackheads while claiming to be clean



9. Hyannis Hog Gobbler

  • Publicly crapped on the Yarmouth Police after Officer Sean Gannon was murdered
  • Passed out behind the wheel of her car while going through a Dunkin drive through with crotch fruits in the backseat
  • Crotch fruit told police that “Mommy tells us all the time to look out the window and close our eyes” when she’s using, and that Daddy has to drive a lot because Mommy’s always sick
  • Openly buys half priced food stamps on Facebook
  • Openly posts about how she likes one of her crotch fruits more than the other
  • Bragged about completing court mandated DCF class about how to be a normal Mom
  • Taught her kids how to be as bad as possible so that when they went to foster homes they’d be rejected and sent back to her
  • Says her daughters “will call anyone Mom”
  • Posted about blacking about after eating a Zanny bar and waking up covered in oatmeal and gum before going to the clinic for a routine checkup
  • Kept her last name in court after getting divorced so her son could find her when he turned 18
  • In love with a new sexy man who writes her love letters from prison in sentagraph form




4. Fitchburg Fupa Fungus vs. 13. Thelma and Sleaze

4. Fitchburg Fupa Fungus

  • Decapitated a turtle for absolutely no reason and posted the video on social media
  • Wears flat brimmed Bulls hats frequently
  • Frequently threatens women with other women who will beat them up
  • Messaged Deskie and said he was suing for deformation while also saying that there’s nothing wrong with him murdering a turtle on video
  • Friend who filmed it attempted to justify killing the turtle by claiming they were selling it to a Chinese restaurant for soup



13. Thelma and Sleaze

  • One junkie left her pills behind at store in Peabody
  • Peabody Police run her information, see she has warrants, call Quincy Police (where she lives) and inform her that they have her pills
  • She shows up jammed out of her mind with friend who drove her there while drunk, not realizing it was a setup
  • Peabody Police go to arrest her for outstanding warrants, she resists and drive flees the scene
  • Driver then smashes into dispatcher’s car before running and hiding in the liquor store parking lot where she is arrested




5. Freetown Fap Weasel vs. 12. Girthy Gastropod

5. Freetown Fap Weasel

  • Oldest looking 32 year old ever
  • Claimed that New Bedford police were harassing her in Walgreen’s, likely because she was there to purchase drugs
  • Posted on Facebook that the cops were “PIG NI***AS” and suggested via emoji that she would be shooting them
  • Used the phrase “candy camera” to refer to herself filming them
  • Does Facebook updates from the women’s shelter every time she breaks up with a new boyfriend
  • Often has newest boyfriend photograph her getting ready to take it from behind
  • Posted picture with thirsty boyfriend at the clinic
  • Complained about the cops finding stolen bikes on her property which were confiscated
  • Threatened to sue Uncle Turtleboy and alleged that his family is ugly



12. Girthy Gastropod

  • Posted Ninentdo Wii for sale, not realizing she had used heroin needles in the background, along with tons of other trash, claimed it was Dad’s insulin needle
  • Ironically posts a lot about other ratchets being more ratchet than she is
  • Has a boyfriend that looks exactly like Edvard Munch’s “Scream”
  • Got tattoo for boyfriend who ended up not sticking around, so she converted it into a bootleg flower
  • Lost custody of son who she only gets to see two times a year
  • Complained that the judge in family court is a bitch on social media
  • Claims that “n words” who think she’s a “thot” because she won’t smash are “corns”
  • Started a GoFundMe to get her crotch fruit back from DCF




3. Juicin Jeremy vs. 14. Woburn Jizz Wizard

3. Juicin Jeremy

  • Has a long and documented history of conning attractive women into dating him, despite being perpetually unemployed and broke
  • Has been accused by multiple ex-girlfriends of domestic violence, including throwing a woman’s face into a suitcase because she said the wrong thing to him
  • Got newest girlfriend Tanya Hall killed after starting beef with a biker gang at a bar in Manchester, including one armed individual who shot up his Jeep
  • Got his Jeep from other girlfriend who Tanya didn’t know about who he was also conning
  • Started GoFundMe for Tanya without family’s permission and gave them nothing in proceeds
  • Wasn’t invited to Tanya’s wake or funeral
  • Went on TV whining about how much he loved her with fakest crocodile tears ever
  • Lied to other women about his relationship with Tanya, who was paying for everything and seemed to be into him
  • Tried to get custody of Tanya’s son, who he is not related to, because he falsely claimed that the child thinks he’s Dad
  • Has long history of bizarre sexual messages he send to random women
  • Cried like a bitch after being arrested by the police for drug possession and driving without a license
  • Attempted to defend his honor on our Facebook page before being arrested
  • Put car for sale on Facebook marketplace after being arrested




14. Woburn Jizz Wizard

  • Sells expensive clothing online for a slightly discounted price, often with small defects like holes in the pockets where the security tag would be
  • Has been to jail multiple times and once went back after failing to show up for a court appearance about assaulting a corrections officer during her last stint in jail
  • Said she “awnestly” feels bad for us because she’s suing in massive deformation case
  • Came onto Uncle Turtleboy’s page and accused him of having ugly children





6. MBTA Ass Eater vs. 11. Malden Muff Buffer

6. MBTA Ass Eater

  • Literally got her ass eaten out for 10 seconds on Boston World Star video in the middle of downtown MBTA Station so she could get crack money (no pun intended)
  • Tried to get multiple guys to eat her funhole, before settling on a guy who briefly put his cigarette down to get the job done


11. Malden Muff Buffer

  • Interstate drug mule who went on TV and claimed to be the victim of homophobic hate crime
  • Cops found out that she started the whole thing with a guy over nothing, threw a shot glass at him, and frequently assaults men because she kind of thinks she is one
  • Turns out the woman she’s with was heterosexual and was punched in the fact as collateral damage trying to clean up the muff buffer’s mess
  • Wouldn’t speak with police despite being victim of assault because that would require her to take breathalyzer and she’s on probation
  • Once appeared on MTV’s Shot At Love




7. Pube Face Killah vs. 10. Fien Laqueefa

7. Pube Face Killah

  • Openly threatened to kill Donald Trump on Facebook, leading to him getting investigated by the US Marshalls
  • Sells heroin and laments about how Trump is hurting his business
  • Previously arrested several times, and once was so uncooperative after running from cops that he was unable to pose for mugshot
  • Believes he is on the road to being a famous rapper while living in Rochester, NH, and makes videos of him and his homies pointing guns in Section 8 apartments
  • Came on the Turtleboy Live show and cried after threatening to kill Uncle Turtleboy
  • Messaged us from his Facebook page, claiming to be the police, demanding that we take down the blog about him
  • Said we would be charged with “false indicator”
  • Ironically posts all the time about “fuck the police” while running to them the second he was in a blog



10. Fien Laqueefa

  • Claims to run Roxbury’s most crime ridden housing project
  • Films and harasses the police while doing their job
  • Someone has a job working in the President’s Office at Roxbury Community College
  • Doesn’t shave her pits and may be a dude
  • Writes long, nonsensical hoodrat soliloquies on Facebook ending with the #Fuck12 hashtag
  • Claims to be tight with Jesus
  • Gave up custody of crotch fruit to grandma because she didn’t feel like raising him, and made a failed attempt to gain him back when he was a teenager but he wanted no part of her



2. Medford Meth Maggots vs. 15. Henry Pills

2. Medford Meth Maggots

  • Neglected daughter to the point where she was covered in urine and was malnourished before the daughter ended up being raised by grandma
  • Had another baby who lives with the at the shelter on Meth Mile
  • Well adjusted older crotch fruit is now living normal life, naturally they want her to live at the shelter with them so they can ruin all the progress she’s made
  • Went on Dr. Phil thinking that they were stars, and were surprised to find out that they were the bad guys for wanting the kid back from her sister
  • Documented and livestreamed ghetto performances before the Dr. Phil show, ordering room service smoothies, clearly showing that they thought they were stars for appearing on Dr. Phil
  • Posted incessantly afterwards about Dr. Phil being a fraud for setting them up
  • His long term plan is becoming a famous rapper, has hit videos of himself and his homie freestyling at mini-mart where hoodboogers buy blunts
  • Bragged about toxicology reports showing that they only had methadone in their system, and believing this makes them clean
  • Made hilarious rebuttal video to being on Turtleboy Sports



15. Henry Pills

  • East Boston restaurant owner who many politicians showed up for on opening night
  • Frequently posts openly racist things on Facebook, including his desire to bring back the KKK in order to teach out of control black people a lesson
  • Wrote long-winded sentagraph to Clarence explaining how he’s not racist because he has Muslims who eat at his restaurant
  • Restaurant is extremely bootleg and employees allege unhealthy conditions, including cockroaches
  • Said that he would single handedly stop out of control black people if black people are too afraid to “stand up to your own kind”
  • Pretends to be some sort of mafiaso, but was really just the errand boy they employed so he would go to prison after getting caught riding dirty
  • Told Uncle Turtleboy he was going to “make a man out of him” after meeting up in person, and guaranteed improved sexual performance with the Mrs.
  • Said he was going to turn a turtle rider into a hand puppet and shove fish up their rectum





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15 Comment(s)
  • I Need the Big Visual
    April 10, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    You should post the spread sheet so we can see the whole thing as Ratchet Madness moves along. Updated it as we go.

  • Jeff J
    Please Please Please......
    April 10, 2019 at 12:00 am

    This was one hell of a division. Loved looking through all the old stuff.
    ***Everyone must familiarize themselves with the definition of Ratchet…’s very important. Yes there are racists and some one time shitbags but overall, they’re looking for “THE MOST RATCHET. Look it up and vote accordingly, lest we have a few undeserving winners like there were in the last region.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 9, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Candy Dennis is bad but Maude is just unbeatable

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    April 9, 2019 at 8:53 pm

    The posters here make a very strong case for Maude. I voted for Candy over Maude because Maude is clearly unwell. It’s time to let her go. If we do there is a possibility that she will find the help she needs. TBS attention is ironically providing attention to her which perpetuates her illness. If she weren’t hawt people would have lost interest a long time ago. Maude is a mixed up person but is potentially redeemable. Candy is just a grifter. Had to vote Candy.

    Social Media is Cancer

    • Sir Wilfred Death
      April 9, 2019 at 8:59 pm

      Remember the tournament criteria. It’s who is most ratchet. Not most notorious or most hawt.

      Prediction: Bobbin’ For Boners (Dear Deirdre Hall) vs. Gregg Bates in a photo finish.

      • Turtz McGurtz
        April 9, 2019 at 9:07 pm

        I voted Candy for the same reason.

  • CE
    April 9, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Crack fien barbie should win mud shark of the year category.

  • General Tso’s Buffet
    April 9, 2019 at 7:56 pm

    Maude hands down for the W. She’s like a Chinese buffet of different psychological disorders.

  • John Blutarsky
    April 9, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    I am voting for that cunt Maude. Biggest fucking douchebag to come around for a while now.

  • Natasha
    April 9, 2019 at 1:20 pm

    Maude for the win. No one is worse than Maude.

    • McElroy
      April 9, 2019 at 3:10 pm

      Couldn’t agree more! Give her the crown now. TBS readership probably went through the roof once her stories came out.

  • The Name Game
    April 9, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    Regarding Fupa division: Any hit and run jackoff goes to the top of the list, that’s why I voted for him. bigmouth worst mom of the year can only get dishonorable mention compared to him. Let the shaming continue!

  • Quincy Ya Dude
    April 9, 2019 at 11:48 am

    Maude is easily the worst out of a group of hopeless people. At least Didi doesn’t lie about her historical ignorance, cognitive dissonance or racial bigotry. Maude is worse then all of them and has yet to receive any comeuppance.

    • Big Wick
      April 9, 2019 at 1:00 pm

      Sorry, disagree, Candy’s crimes coopted kids. Maude did cheat, and stole podium appearances, but we ultramarathoners are adults, we run for fun and our own personal excellence, and generally sigh and let it go. But I must say, this division was tough. I bet the final scores come down to the wire, many “worthy competitors.” As many of these ratchets are wont to type on FB, “LOL.”

      • Quincy Ya Dude
        April 9, 2019 at 3:08 pm

        Fair enough. But, what group did Maude NOT directly and indirectly co-opt as well? She is a liar on an unparreled scale and has yet to suffer from her morally reprehensible decisions and demonstrative phony outrage and virtue signaling. Also, please clarify as to why you needed to add “we ultramarathoners” as some sort of qualifier? I really am at a loss on that part.

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