Smiles And Sunshine

Ratchet Madness Round 1: Vote For Which 8 Ratchets Should Advance In The Chudstuffer Region


Voting in the first round for the Cheesehog region has come to an end. Here are the 8 ratchets who will be advancing to the round of 32.

The Medford Meth Maggots almost got 90%. Those are Didi Delgado numbers and bode well for their long term prospects in this tournament. Could be a very contentious matchup with Juicin Jeremy in the Sweet 16. Onto the Chudstuffer region. As usual we’ll be providing links to each ratchet’s blogs as well as a bulleted list of their ratchet resume so you can make an informed decision and cast your vote at the end of each matchup.


1. Michael Cadena vs. 16. Taunton Tonsil Ticklers

1. Michael Cadena

  • Illegally kidnapped his child from Illinois and ran to Weymouth where he played the victim when law enforcement did what a judge ordered them to do
  • Hired a PR team to repeatedly use his child as a prop in a heated child custody battle, likely scarring the child for life
  • Completely made up allegations of child abuse in order to smear his child’s mother, not caring about the long term effects this would have on the child when he sees it all
  • Chose to go to jail in Massachusetts for 6 months rather than travel to Illinois to fight for his son in court
  • Built a cult of gullible, stupid women from across the country, who we scammed into donating over $50,000 so he could hire lawyers (who he never hired) to fight a legal battle he had no intention of actually fighting
  • Repeatedly disregarded judge’s orders to refrain from talking about the case publicly
  • Conned a bunch of dumb people in Weymouth into dragging their kids out for a protest where they walked into traffic and solicited money that all went to him
  • Had his PR team make his son cry on demand so they could tape it and pretend like the son was crying because he didn’t want to see his allegedly abusive mother
  • Failed to mention his long and documented history of drug dealing, drug abuse, and violence, to the women he conned into thinking was a respectable father
  • Once plead guilty to attempted murder



16. Taunton Tonsil Ticklers

  • Got a goat in Taunton high on marijuana after kidnapping it from local farm
  • Posted police press release about the warrant out of their arrest on Facebook stating “free our back”
  • Claimed that “if you were their you wouldn’t have said anything’s, facts.”
  • Claims it was fucked up for people to share the video, despite posting it on social media themselves
  • Claims the goat wasn’t scared and was “calm as fuck” while they were blowing smoke in its face
  • Famously said, “All I see on Facebook is niggas smoking with animals, now that I smoke with a fucking goat everyone care” in one of the great Turtleboy quotes of all time





8. I-93 Pooper vs. 9. Pimple Dick Hockey Dads

8. I-93 Pooper

  • Literally pooped on the right hand shoulder of I-93 in Dorchester
  • Chose not to use the door as a shield and instead elected to allow everyone passing by to see her defecate
  • Upon finding out her identity her husband then threatened to sue Turtleboy in a series of tweets he has since deleted


9. Pimple Dick Hockey Dads

  • Berated and threatened to assault a hockey referee because they didn’t like the way they were making calls in a children’s sporting event
  • Ruined the game for everyone by forcing the referees to call it early
  • Assaulted a woman recording it on her phone
  • Went back home to Connecticut where they masquerade as successful, respected businessmen and fathers




4. Vanilla Lice vs. 13. Plymouth Pickle Puffer

4. Vanilla Lice

  • Used his sick girlfriend as a prop to raise money by seeking out the media, and then never gave her any of the money after she dumped him
  • Blamed it on his ex-girlfriend’s brother for pointing out what a loser he is
  • Is a grown man with a chinstrap, and then threatened to fight him
  • Poses with bottles of Hennessy whenever possible
  • Doesn’t have a job and seemingly deals in cash only, making it obvious what he does for a living
  • Has a plethora of Google trophies, including some for assaulting a cop and attempted murder
  • Threatened to fight several turtle riders before Bristol called him out and agreed to meet up with him at an agreed upon location to fight, but did not show up, proving he is scared of a girl
  • Came on Turtleboy, admitted he’s on Mass Health and admitted he collects food stamps, admitted to collecting money for his ex-gf that he never distributed to her
  • Had his brother contact us who then left us a threatening message, during the podcast we replayed that clip several times and he mistakingly thought it was his brother live on the show with us and urged his brother to stop talking
  • Had his mother show up on our Facebook page and badmouthed his sick ex-girlfriend



13. Plymouth Pickle Puffer

  • Random dude who liked to barbecue so he started a business with no background whatsoever in business
  • Hired seasonal teenage labor because it’s cheaper, then accused a 15 year old of “fucking us” because he was going on vacation, and said, “fuck you, stay away”
  • After the 15 year old child said “OK” he then demeaned another child named Griffin by stating, “I thought Griffin was the worst. Fuck you. You are the worst.”
  • He then stated that he “had” a 14 year old girl who “kicks your ass” to the 15 year old boy, and called him a pussy
  • He sobered up the next day but his business no longer existed within 2 months





5. Beluga Beefcake vs. 12. Gina Clark

5. Beluga Beefcake

  • Bragged about getting free tickets to the expensive Mystic Aquarium because she’s on food stamps
  • Is in her mid 20’s, isn’t disabled, has no kids, and is still somehow eligible for government assistance
  • Has plenty of money for non-essential things, such as piercings everywhere, king size temperpedic bed, and admits that she smokes “too much weed”
  • Skilled in the use of dog filter
  • Came onto our Facebook page and left dozens of messages such as “I’m fat, oh well,” “why you mad,” Just because someone gets EBT doesn’t mean they don’t work your retarded wtf your really retarded asf and should die” and “you ain’t gonna do shit fuck off”
  • Frequently posts about getting drilled, ruining lunch for people everywhere
  • Famously said, “I wish I could beat that ass through the Internet”
  • Sent a mob of hoodrats after our Facebook page, each one more ratchet than the last




12. Gina Clark

  • Started a charity meant to help grieving families for the sole purpose of ripping them off at their most vulnerable time
  • Waited for kids to die in tragic scenarios, befriended the families, promised to raise money for them, raised lots of money, and then kept almost all of it claiming that they didn’t make much
  • Spent the money for grieving families on herself so she could live a ghettofabulous lifestyle on Cape Cod
  • Dragged the families through years of legal battles before finally getting sentenced to a couple years in jail
  • Once she got out of prison she was forced to do community service and pay back the families, neither of which she ever did, claiming that she’s too injured to work
  • Still walks around Cape Cod in fancy clothing, pimping jewelry with zero self-awareness about what a piece of shit she is





3. Foxy Lady Strippers vs. 14. Granite State Gravy Dumpster

3. Foxy Lady Strippers

  • Single handedly got Providence’s most notorious strip club shut down by the State for offering $300 blowies to undercover Providence cops
  • One of the ratchets once left her baby daughter in a car when it was 20 degrees outside so she could go into a sex store and buy lube and implements of penetration with the guy who was currently defiling her
  • One of the ratchets was blacklisted from every strip club so she went full on Instaslampig hooker
  • Got a Boston cop to agree to bang her and her ratchet friend for $2,500 before tricking him into stealing his gun, which they gave to one of their other ratchet friends
  • Even after these incidents this ratchet stripper agreed to give Uncle Turtleboy standard missionary sex for $500 in an IG DM



14. Granite State Gravy Dumpster

  • Professional con-artist banned from most yard sale groups in New Hampshire for pretending to have sick children so that people will donate clothes to her, which she then sells on other yard sale pages
  • Frequently lies about the ages of her now adult children because the younger they are the more likely people are to donate
  • While playing the poverty and hunger cards she frequently posts pictures of large and hardy breakfasts that she feeds her morbidly obese crotch fruits
  • Started a $1,600 brain aneurism GoFundMe after allegedly having brain surgery
  • When finally called out on her behavior she claimed that everyone was wrong and that her Facebook was hacked



6. Felatio Fernandez vs. 11. Failure Swift

6. Felatio Fernandez

  • Recently got out of prison and is extremely horny
  • Likes to get black out drunk during the middle of the day and offer to give blowjobs to National Grid employees while on the clock
  • When the employees asked if they could go back to work she replied, “Nigga I know how to make a man cum. And they like it up the bum”
  • Told NGrid employee that “I am going to ride you like a mechanical bull. And then I’m gonna strap you on and stick it right up your fucking ass and ride you like the day…”
  • Demanded that one employee bang her behind a dumpster, and if it wasn’t hard enough she would electrocute him in an electric chair she has in the Hotel Vernon
  • Told the NGrid employees, “I’m gonna put this pussy on you like fucking…..I am going to break your virginity”


11. Failure Swift

  • Frequently pretends to be sick in order to have extended stays in the hospital and receive medication she doesn’t need
  • Got kicked out of Kent Hospital, refused to leave, made a scene, forced her slave husband named Metro to film her crying so she could go viral and get sympathy
  • Previously failed miserably in hilarious attempt to become a pop star, leaving her cringe worthy tryout videos on YouTube for us to enjoy
  • Claims to be a small business owner but really is just as the bottom of an elaborate pyramid scheme
  • Pretended to have cancer and started a GoFundMe so that she could get holistic medical care to treat it
  • Often writes pity party Facebook posts that go on for days and no one reads except her



7. Pastor Pole Polisher/Deacon Diddler vs. 10. Shannon Dibartolomeo

7. Pastor Pole Polisher/Deacon Diddler

  • Junkies who pretended to find God so that they could start a GoFundMe to raise money for drugs under the auspices of spreading God’s word
  • Got called out by her own mother on the GoFundMe for being a drug addict, then blocked her mother because it was bad for business
  • Pretended that his mother died in a fire for another GoFundMe that she shared all over the Agawam/Enfield area
  • Tons of Google trophies for burglary because they are drug addicts
  • Claim that they don’t need or do drugs because God is their drug
  • Private and later revealed DMs show her threatening to assault people and have sex with others for drug money





10. Shannon “Pink Pangolin” Dibartolomeo

  • Got in a vicious fight on meth mile in 2017 over drugs and/or scissoring rights
  • Sent her mother after our Facebook page, threatening us and turtle riders in long winded sentagraphs
  • Mom threatened to sue us before filling out the form for Desk Girl Abigail Horowitz
  • Has dozens of arrests for shoplifting and larceny
  • Raided her ex-boyfriend’s house with her mother, kicked down his door, threw urine on him, and assaulted both him and his mother
  • Was arrested by Marshfield Police for shoplifting, but posted on Facebook that they took her Christmas gifts and demanded a blood sample
  • Got blood on the police officer, prompting him to freak out because it’s quite likely she has AIDS
  • Attempted to prove her innocence and demanded the police return all the stuff she had just stolen by producing a crumpled up receipt from Marshall’s that someone else had thrown in the trash
  • Has multiple crotch fruits, all of which were kidnapped by DCF
  • Her Mom openly threatened the caring paternal grandparents raising her crotch fruit, prompting Shannon to tell her to “chill Mom, not on Facebook”
  • Ended up getting stabbed by butch girlfriend in the leg after openly accusing her of infidelity on Facebook
  • Frequently posts about Jesus and finding God in order to give the illusion that she’s a reformed junkie instead of a current junkie









2. Rian Waters vs. 15. Milford Muff Marauder

2. Rian Waters

  • Has never paid a dime in child support to his special needs daughter who he abandoned
  • Moved to California with his baby momma and daughter initially, promising them great things, but they ended up becoming homeless so she moved back to Palmer area
  • Visited home when his daughter was 2 years old, assaulted his baby momma in front of her by punching her in the face, and then kicked the dog so hard in front of the child that the dog had to be put down
  • Scared his baby momma not to testify by threatening to make up allegations of drug abuse on her part when he called the DEA and DCF
  • Filed an actual lawsuit against DCF
  • Filed an actual lawsuit against Turtleboy Sports for blogging about his public domestic abuse allegation
  • Sued the woman who he assaulted and scared into testifying against him, and who he owes unGodly amounts of child support to
  • Believes he has been found not guilty in a court of law because he intimidated a witness into not testifying, thus leading to the charges being dropped
  • Pretends to be a wealthy and overly arrogant poker player on Facebook, despite being wildly unsuccessful and rocking a hideous pubestache
  • Started a GoFundMe for his lawsuit against Turtleboy on the basis that Turtleboy calls children crotch fruits
  • Teamed up with Milky Mike Gaffney who wrote him an afidavit and wrote his complaint for him after losing to Uncle Turtleboy in court
  • Dropped his lawsuit against his baby momma after several turtle riders showed up to show their support for her at court
  • Once was caught attempting to smuggle drugs across an international border and made a break for it before being caught in the woods
  • Attempted to extort Uncle Turtleboy in order to not file a losing lawsuit against him


15. Milford Muff Marauder

  • Got 3 DUI’s in one calendar year
  • Crashed into a cop car going at a high rate of speed and blowing through a stop sign
  • Crashed into an elderly man before leaving the scene in someone else’s car, and then played dumb the next day
  • Only person in the world who chose to drive on her 21st birthday, presumably because she enjoys the challenge of driving while 5-6 times over the legal limit





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8 Comment(s)
  • poopship14
    Boognish was rising up from the mist
    April 11, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    Can i make a suggestion. Instead of putting practically the entire article with a bazillion pics in for each contestant how about a single pic, a quick synopsis of their ratchetness and a link to the original blog post?

    This thing is fucking impossible to go thru and find the vote buttons.

  • Big Wick
    April 11, 2019 at 10:59 am

    Some were slam-dunks, some I had angst, they were so close. I agree with Sir Wil, Rian is going far in the tourney!

    • The angry taint
      The angry taint
      April 12, 2019 at 1:34 pm

      Spot on wick that cunt rhianne could take it all

  • mopey63
    you crack me up, we love you
    April 11, 2019 at 9:09 am

    I know which ones you want us to vote for, they have a longer story line then the others. You’re so smart 😉

  • Natasha
    April 11, 2019 at 7:06 am

    Really had a hard time deciding between Fellatio Fernandez (greatest video of all time) and Failure Swift.

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    April 11, 2019 at 6:18 am

    Hard luck for The Milford Muff Marauder being up against Rian Waters. He’s going at least to the final four. I can’t recall a more despicable human being featured on this site.

    PS: I attended a workshop on animal cruelty recently and guess whose name came up?. TBS was credited with its work on exposing him.

    Social Media is Cancer

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    April 11, 2019 at 2:58 am

    Rooting for Failure Swift to go all the way this year!!!!

    • Captain Trips
      Jeffrey Dahmer
      April 11, 2019 at 9:22 am

      Check out her video where she talks about Western Mass Turtle Girl. I think she’s a genuine female serial killer

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