Smiles And Sunshine

Ratchet Madness Round 1: Vote For Which 8 Ratchets Should Advance In The Trap Queen Region

 

2019 Ratchet Madness T-Shirts now on sale in the Turtleboy Store

Voting in the first round of the Chudstuffer Region of Ratchet Madness is completed, and here are the 8 ratchets who have advanced to the Round of 32.

A lot of blowouts in the first round, including the biggest margin of victory thus far by Rian Waters. Next round won’t be as close me thinks.

Time to move onto the final bracket – the Trap Queen Region.

As usual, we’ll be giving you links to each ratchet as well as a list of their accomplishments so that you can cast an informed vote at the end of each matchup. You have 24 hours to vote….

 

1. Milky Mike vs. 16. Meg Bitton

1. Milky Mike Gaffney

  • Wasted a year of his life flying back and forth from Texas to Worcester, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars, and literally drove himself insane suing Uncle Turtleboy only to lose without ever going to trial
  • Admitted that Turtleboy makes him fat and cry
  • Demanded to know the identity of Attorney Richard N. Vulva, Gupta Patel, and Desk Girl
  • Forced his mistress to pursue a harassment order against Uncle Turtleboy, only to end with her losing money on court fees
  • Showed up to a court date with his wife and mistress and made them sit together
  • Still believes that Uncle Turtleboy is under investigation by the Worcester Police for witness intimidation
  • Partnered with ratchets such as the Dartmouth Yoga Poon and Rian Waters because he can’t stop thinking about Turtleboy
  • Mailed out pornographic fliers to the entire town of Holden in a failed attempt to smear Uncle Turtleboy and his wife
  • Forced his wife to take pictures of him in the basement doing squats with his massive gut hanging ver his belt
  • Spent hours writing a blog about our page views after he misinterpreted what a number meant on a computer screen
  • Had a deposition in which he was called a loser and a dick on record
  • Claims he will “never ever stop” coming after Turtleboy

 

 

 

16. Meg Bitton

  • Profits off of the sexualization of small children
  • Forces kids as young as 9 to pose for pictures in their underwear, dressed as prostitutes, smoking cigarettes, and pretending to blow lines of cocaine
  • Posted bizarre explanation for kiddie porn by saying that she wanted to say “fuck you” to anyone who thought this was abnormal

 

 

 

8. Slumdog Chillionaire Mom vs. 9. Frigon Family

8. Slumdog Chillionaire Mom

  • Allows 9 year old son to smoke blunts like a chimney, throw gang signs, yell profanities and broadcast it on various social media platforms
  • Mom is too busy partying with her girls in cheap Lowell motel rooms drinking copious amounts of Henny to watch her crotch fruit
  • Mom appears to be in her mid 30’s and is a grandmother, making her the oldest grandmother in Lowell

 

9. Frigon Family

  • Youngest daughter is named after a season and routinely parks in handicapped spots, yelling profanities at those who object while towing her crotch fruit around with her
  • Brother Mikey started GoFundMe for sister to get out of the shelter and get her GED
  • Mikey came onto our Facebook page, swore at everyone, and told them that it’s not a big deal that his sister parks in handicapped spots
  • Other brother and his junkie friends pretended to be friends with an elderly guy so they could get into his house and rob him of all his pills
  • Grandpa was a convicted kiddie diddler rapist

 

4. Bobbin for Boners vs. 13. Fupacho Grande

4. Bobbin for Boners

  • Sabotaged her own candidacy for State Rep by blowing everyone in Rockland who had any sort of political influence
  • Cheated on her husband to begin romantic relationship with morbidly obese Eddie Porkchops
  • When Eddie Porkchops wife found out she got revenge on him and her by getting drunk with the town manager, bringing him back to town hall under the auspices of going to tinkle, and then blowing the him in town hall and telling him she “just wanted some cock”
  • When town administrator suggested he wanted to leave she begged him to stay and blocked him from leaving until her need for cream of mushroom tip soup was satisfied
  • Her cuckholded husband announced that he was running for her vacant seat after she resigned in disgrace
  • Initially pretended to be the victim of sexual assault and claims she was too drunk to remember anything, until the tapes were released showing she was the aggressor
  • Winked at the town administrator during a televised meeting, thinking no one would see, 2 weeks after blowing him

 

 

13. Fupacho Grande

  • Saw a guy eating dinner at a restaurant and felt the need to assault him because she didn’t like the words “Make America Great Again” written on her hat
  • Turns out she’s an illegal immigrant who has been living the ghettofabulous life of luxury on Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard for the last 20 years
  • Claims that she was the victim because seeing a hat is worse than assaulting someone

 

 

 

5. Malden Meth Puppets vs. 12. Fuzzy Grape Felatio Bandits

5. Malden Meth Puppets

  • Stole the Red Sox AL East Champion banner, then made up elaborate lie about finding it on the highway
  • Instead of giving the banner back they sought out the media and announced they would not be returning it unless they were given playoff tickets, not realizing that the banner probably cost $50 and the Red Sox could just make a new one
  • Couldn’t have possibly been more ratchet in multiple media interviews, looking and sounding exactly like every junkie ever
  • Claimed that they were virtuous because they “knew a guy” who could sell it for them, and they “could’ve put it on eBay” but were offering to sell it to the Red Sox instead
  • Claimed that the Red Sox could not put up another banner because everyone would realize it’s a duplicate
  • Have multiple arrests for heroin
  • Own flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats, believe Aaron Hernandez was not guilty, and dress like a 7th grader on the first day of school
  • Later participated in protest of Malden Police Department and threatened to hurt cops because junkie friend died in custody

 

 

12. Fuzzy Grape Felatio Bandits

  • Got called out on social media for pulling a chew and screw at a Dudley restaurant
  • Were immediately identified by dozens of people because she’s a well known claptrap stripper from Webster
  • He got called out by the daughter he abandoned for stealing her Mom’s food stamp card
  • He was arrested weeks later for beating the shit out of her in Connecticut, to go along with a cabinet full of Google trophies
  • She insisted that she gave me a lap dance at strip club
  • Despite being arrested for beating the shit out of her she still threatened other people that he would assault them when he got out of jail

 

 

3. Jackoff Sauce vs. 14. Ginger Gumby

3. Jackoff Sauce

  • Aspiring rapper who fed his underaged girl alcohol, put her on a leash, and forced her to walk around the neighborhood like a dog so he could post it on social media
  • Forced her to have “property of Mack Sauce” written on her ass cheeks
  • Has copious amounts of Google trophies
  • When the police came to investigate him he decided to fight them and end up in jail
  • Ended up going to prison for kiddie porn because he uploaded video of himself banging her onto the Internet
  • Got an additional charge for witness intimidation when he called the victim (his “gf”) from prison

 

 

14. Ginger Gumby

  • During road rage incident during rush hour traffic in Lowell she climbed out of her window, rather than open the door
  • Smeared her ass on dude’s car window who she had beef with, then gave him hilarious middle finger while standing in the middle of traffic
  • Showed up on our Facebook page while being publicly shamed to let people know that she has to climb out of the window every day because her door locks are broken

 

 

 

6. Gelatinous Grundlequeef and Welfare Nacho Libre vs. 11. Can’t Touch This Killer

6. Gelatinous Grundlequeef and Welfare Nacho Libre

  • Filmed themselves driving around, drinking, smoking blunts, and using the n word a lot with a sleeping toddler in the backseat with them
  • Claimed it wasn’t a big deal because the kid wasn’t their’s
  • Threatened to assault anyone who had a problem with this video
  • When the West Warwick PD posted about the incident he commented on the post and inferred that they should lick his ballsack
  • Announced that they’re not a couple, they’re just exchanging love juices with no strings attached
  • Posted videos on social media of him eating her out
  • Posted video of herself berating a high school teacher who she still has beef with years later
  • She says that she doesn’t want anyone hitting up her DM’s unless they’re “tryna fuck” or “suck on my titties”

 

 

 

11. Can’t Touch This Killer

  • Killed a father and husband by driving too fast and striking the tow truck driver on the highway
  • Was initially arrested for being drunk behind the wheel, but the charges were later dropped leading to her taunting the family on Facebook by posting “can’t touch this”

 

 

 

 

7. West Springfield Recovery Mom vs. 10. Eddie Porkchops

7. West Springfield Recovery Mom

  • Has 4 crotch fruits that she uses as bait to guilt people into donating to her
  • Made up story about one of her deadbeat baby daddies who took out a $9,000 loan, cashed it, put it in a backpack, and then the latest guy she was banging/in love with stole the backpack and she never saw him again
  • Also started a separate Facebook fundraising page and urged people to donate to both
  • Share the GoFundMe 5,000 times on Facebook, whining about the lack of donations
  • Also happens to be a recovering junkie who likely was planning on buying more drugs with all donated money
  • Claims she was planning on buying a brand new SUV with $9,000 cash, which is why she needed the GoFundMe
  • Ended up having more presents underneath her tree on Christmas than 99% of the idiots who feel for her story and donated

 

 

10. Eddie Porkchops

  • Was having a passionate love affair with the town whore, Bobbin for Boners, who also served on the Board of Selectmen with him
  • Got cuckholded by Bobbin for Boners after his wife found out about their love affair and she ended up blowing the town administrator
  • Only seems to wear 5XL shirts that double as table clothes, and certainly doesn’t own a tie or sport jacket
  • Repeatedly referenced his “after David,” over and over and over again at a town meeting
  • Lost his mind at a Board of Selectman meeting, attempting to cover for her in her fraudulent claim that she was sexually assaulted, because he couldn’t stomach the fact that she cheated on her husband with someone else besides him
  • Refused to resign his seat, even after it was revealed that he was having an affair with Bobbin for Boners before finally giving up the dream

 

2. New Bedford Bukkake Poundcake vs. 15. Wilmington Sea Skag

2. New Bedford Bukkake Poundcake

  • Took her crotch fruits to the park when she was high out of her mind and passed out in front of the trash can she just tipped over in broad daylight
  • Kids try multiple times to wake her up, but are not successful until the cops arrive
  • Claimed her behavior was normal because 

    “People pass out all the time from the heat”

  • Says she’s a good Mom but often posts at 3 AM on Facebook, looking for someone to party with, but later claimed she was going out to get coffee
  • Went insane by using super long sentagraphs threatening turtle riders who were mocking her public display of debauchery
  • Said she got a lawyer for deformation lawsuit
  • Posted what she believed to be my address, but was really the address of the Turtleboy statue in downtown Worcester
  • Teamed up with former Turtleboy ratchet the Bellingham Porridge Receptacle to take us down after she was blogged about
  • Got pumped and dumped by ex-boyfriend so she celebrated by going to the ocean and throwing all the worthless crap he got for her over the years into the sea, not realizing the amount of trash this created

 

15. Wilmington Sea Skag

  • Witnessed someone fall off of a Boston booze cruise, claimed she wanted to jump in to save him, didn’t, and then watched him drown
  • Made herself the center of attention afterwards by going to the vigil and bragging on social media about watching someone drown
  • Messaged the deceased man’s friends, pretending to be a member of the coast guard, and claiming that she tried to help but was not allowed to
  • Claimed to have video of it all, but it was really just five second of him fighting in the water while she did nothing
  • Lied about having a friend who ran the entertainment on the boat and wanted to donate that night’s proceeds to the victim’s family
  • Pretended to work at NESN and told his friends and family that they could come on the field during a game and meet the players, but she stopped returning their phone calls in the days before the game
  • No stranger to Google trophies

 

 

 

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7 Comment(s)
  • Cunt Evaluator
    April 12, 2019 at 7:35 pm

    Ginger gumby and fupacho grande won’t advance, but goddamn that would be my ultimate ratchet 3some fantasy. 4 way would include the Wilmington chick but I’m afraid shed kill us all

  • Sir Wilfred Death
    April 12, 2019 at 4:18 pm

    Bobbin’ For Boners for the win. Even if she were not a disgusting cum guzzling skeeve, the name alone is enough for the win. I break out the rubbing alcohol after reading about her.

  • The angry taint
    April 12, 2019 at 1:27 pm

    Some of these were fucking tough I have angina right now. I’m laughing at the bar like a lunatic right now…fuck it, switching to Jameson.

  • Kevin Lynch
    April 12, 2019 at 11:20 am

    Milky Mike Gaffney for the win!

  • Wtf
    April 12, 2019 at 8:43 am

    Where is the latina porn star, cum swapping Statie Angela Guerrera? She has my vote….

    • Dick Scratcher
      April 12, 2019 at 9:41 am

      That psycho will be in next year.

  • Low Standards Stan
    April 12, 2019 at 1:24 am

    I think ginger Gumby is kinda hot I’d def think she was a great catch after 6-7 Heinekens then in the morning I’d be like “ uh she’s kinda ok” and hit it again.

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