Smiles And Sunshine

Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Cheesehog Region

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Here’s the 8 ratchets who won the turtle riding vote and will be advancing on to round 2 of Turtleboy Ratchet Madness 2018:

Hardly any upsets so far. The lowest seeded ratchet to advance in the first two regions was the 12th seeded Florida Methwaffle. We have some interesting matcups in the Cheesehog region in round 2:

It’s a tough bracket. They all are. I have my eyes on two wild cards in this one though.

Time to vote for who should advance in the Cheesehog region. As usual we have provided links to relevant blogs on each ratchet so that you may make an informed decision……


1. Burlington Mall Fupaslug vs. 16. Dorchester Devil Child

Burlington Mall Fupaslug

  • Most infamous panhandler in Massachusetts
  • Falls asleep while panhandling
  • Falls asleep with Dunkins iced coffee lodged in titties
  • Pretends to have kids to get more money, has no kids
  • Somehow is hungry while morbidly obese
  • Boyfriend/partner drives them to panhandle
  • Boyfriend whines that people who don’t give are mean
  • Claims it’s illegal for Turtleboy to post pictures of her at a major intersection right off the highway



Dorchester Devil Child

  • Boston teenager who literally filmed herself microwaving a turtle
  • After becoming famous she took to Facebook and told people, “IT’S A FUCKING TURTLE, GET OVER IT”
  • Bought Mom a bottle of Hennessy for mother’s day
  • Mom claims she would “kill a mother fucker” for her daughter






8. Athol Heroin Champion vs. 9. Chicopee DCF Grundle Queen

Athol Heroin Champion

  • Caught with hundreds of bags of heroin
  • Not a dealer because she was going to do them all that weekend
  • Outspoken about shaming junkboxes while selling heroin to junkboxes
  • Arrested multiple times with chudstuffing boyfriend



Chicopee DCF Grundle Queen

  • On rare visitation with kids she got into a fender bender and pulled a knife on the other guy
  • Went back home, dropped kids off, came back to scene of crime to knife the guy and got arrested
  • Went on Facebook and bragged about pulling knife on dude
  • Sent herself letters she claimed were from Turtleboy, went on Facebook and posted video of herself opening threatening letters she sent herself and claimed were from Turtleboy
  • Sent Turtleboy graphic images of women giving felatio




5. Fall River Trap Queen Gladiators vs. 12. Kevin Perry and Fingers McGee

Fall River Trap Queen Gladiators

  • Fought not once, not twice, but three separate times over incarcerated, dirty dick, mutual baby Daddy
  • Filmed themselves driving around Fall River on Facebook Live, calling each other out while on the hunt
  • Both bragged about visiting him more recently in prison
  • Both had recently given birth and had kids take by DCF
  • Wrote series of most ghettotastic Facebook posts back and forth calling each other out for being more ratchet
  • Bigger one claimed that thick girls have better pussy
  • Skinny one claimed that she tells baby daddy that this is his pussy during doggystyle
  • Went back and forth with each other on mother’s day, in which neither saw their childre




Kevin Perry and Fingers McGee

  • Finance Worcester’s restaurant “renaissance” with millions of dollars in heroin money
  • After getting arrested Joe’s magical fingers started doing wonders to Kevin’s wife
  • Joe’s primary mistress #1 walked out of threesome at Kevin’s business due to lack of penetration
  • Joe spent all of Kevin’s drug money taking his haram of Hooter’s girls to Atlantic City, thus killing any leverage Kevin had with the DA
  • When Kevin found out he called him out on Facebook, leading to Joe’s arrest




4. Springfield Lickalotapus and Beefalope vs. 13. Natick Dumpsterslug

Springfield Lickalotapus and Beefalope

  • Most hoodific female drug dealer in history
  • Yelled “we run this town” after being arraigned on charges of drug dealing
  • Owns several flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats
  • Claims her tongue goes further than your schmenzer
  • Primary love interest with paw tittooes defends her relentlessly, threatening to scissor anyone’s wife who thinks drug dealing is bad




Natick Dumpsterslug

  • Repeat from last year’s ratchet madness
  • Back for same thing – begging for free shit on Facebook yard sales, and then selling them on other yard sale pages for drug money
  • Got pregnant again, started looking for designer diaper bags despite not having custody of current child
  • Called out rival ratchet begging for free TV, told her she’s too lazy to get a job

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3. Water Whiz Wonder Weenie vs. 14. Woonsocket Juicehead Ex-Cop

Water Whiz Wonder Weenie

  • Girlfriend posts on Facebook that boyfriend saved little girl from kidnapping in Water Whiz parking lot
  • Water Whiz and Wareham PD post that no such thing happened
  • Turns out wonder weenie was likely getting high and needed to explain to girlfriend where he went for 30 minutes
  • Threatens anyone who calls him out on bullshit
  • Gets Mom to defend him on Facebook
  • Records himself driving to Wareham PD, confronting cops, hoping to prove they are liars
  • Gets arrested for wiretapping charges



Woonsocket Juicehead Ex-Cop

  • Former Woonsocket cop, suspended for a series of major fuck ups before being fired
  • Started dealing drugs and become huge juicehead after cop life
  • Pulled over by former colleagues with drugs in car, refused to comply, ended up getting tazed after trying to fight them
  • Went to benefit for man who died from drug addiction, ended up fighting several men and was tossed out
  • Went home, posted racially charged threats over and over and over again, including messages towards the dead man’s family who she fought
  • Adapts her vernacular based on race of guys she’s currently banging





6. Dennis Dinky Ticklers vs. 11. Maurice Butler Diesels

Dennis Dinky Ticklers 

  • Had sex at 1 PM at a busy beach about 50 feet from shore
  • Told to stop thrusting each other by lifeguards but kept plowing anyway
  • Had to be torn apart when lifeguards swam out of them
  • Didn’t seem to care that horrified children learned what sex was by watching them that day



Maurice Butler Diesels

  • Told step-father or biracial child that the baby wasn’t his
  • Called the baby a “nigglet” and monkey
  • Told him “that n word ain’t his”
  • Asked mother if she would fornicate with him on top of sleeping baby daddy
  • Accused mother of “banging monkey at zoo”
  • Led failed campaign to take down Turtleboy’s Facebook page after being outed




7. Leominster Butterfluffer vs. 10. West Warwick Trash Princess

Leominster Butterfluffer

  • Messaged strange woman offering her cash for noodz
  • Woman called him out on Facebook
  • Dozens of women came forward with similar stories of cash for noodz offer
  • Threatened and stalked many women for years, leading to harassment and stay away orders
  • Has dozens of Facebook pages specifically for harassing and soliciting new women for noodz with money he likely does not have



West Warwick Trash Princess

  • Previously got into fight at Cranston carnival where she was collateral damage, went home, smeared blood on face, claimed she was assaulted by male, trashbag father led campaign to hunt down alleged assailant
  • Did a bunch of acid, posted it on snapchat
  • Set up other girl in marijuana deal
  • Threw objects at car driven by people she just ripped off on highway, leading to major car accident and near death of driver
  • Called out Coventry PD for lying about frequent OD’s
  • Frequent user of dog filters

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2. Anna Storelli vs. 15. Kevin Ribeiro

Anna Storelli

  • Freaked out on couple in restaurant waiting for food because they were holding hands in viral video
  • Accused them of having sex in front of her
  • Obsessed with Justin Bieber
  • Writes racially charged things about Selena Gomez due to jealousy over the Beebs
  • Makes bizarre amateur porn videos
  • Has dozens of restraining orders
  • Was normal at one point before spending 365 hours in experiment immersed in virtual reality simulator



Kevin Ribeiro

  • Most infamous con-artist ever
  • Has ripped off hundreds of people by showing up to do a job, performing task well initially, getting payment ahead of time, and then never completing job
  • Sister called him out publicly, claiming she has refused to see him for five years

You have 24 hours to vote.


3 Comment(s)
  • Scissormetimbers
    April 9, 2018 at 11:21 am

    Shocking that 2$moke lost. He’s the definition of ratchet.

  • Real_Finn
    April 7, 2018 at 11:51 am

    not Finn on “firsties” but I’m flattered as usual.

  • Finn
    April 7, 2018 at 11:35 am


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